Flirting: OK...now I'm REALLY confused....

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I was talking in depth with a much more experienced friend of mine about flirting and attraction and such. I'm a hopeless wreck when it comes to that part of my life and I thought she could give me some pointers. I asked her about how you know a man is flirting and/or attracted to you, how to tell the difference between flirting just for fun and actually being hit on. Her answer blew my mind. Every concern I told her that I had, she said she had the same thing -- nerves in the presence of a hot guy, anxiety about whether she is attractive enough, not trusting her gut when everything is telling her a guy is interested.

If that is indeed the case, and my thought processes are no different than anyone else, then my problem isn't so much the actual situations but my perception of the situation. It seems that I'm recognizing the right social clues after all, but my low self-esteem or maybe my Aspieness is keeping me from accepting what my brain is telling me. It's like my conscious self thinks my inside self is lying to me. I'm sure something in the ASD literature touches on such things, but I'm not sure how it relates.

Well, at least you're not missing the cues. I have no idea what to do around women, but I have a friend who doesn't have assburgers, and he is just as clueless as I am. I try to come at love and sex from a logical standpoint, and that's probably not going to work.

Also, sometimes one can sort out what is likely happening by intuition or by logically analyzing the pieces, which takes time but the more experience you have the easier it gets to analyze logically. And at that point you'll likely feel the same feelings as anyone else.

But having reached this point, there's still the issue of sorting out your response, which is complicated to do when it doesn't come automatically. You have to recognize what's happening, decide how you feel so you accurately communicate interest or disinterest, and that's likely to be a lot of work too. Talk to your friend about responding as well. Takes lots of practice, IMO.

I usually just wait for the man to stick his hand down my pants....that tends to clear the issue up and saves me from wondering what is going on.

Alternatively I wait for them to say outright that they want sex with me.

Whether they get it is a different matter...am I attracted to them? But I do like it when they are direct about things. It saves me from having to figure things out.

Unfortunately I seem to have lost my sex appeal and everyone I meet keeps wanting to just be friends with me or just seems to have a thing for giving me emotional support in ways I don't really need it. This just results in my becoming frustrated...I cant get my sexual needs met by anyone and I feel sick to my gut over it as i never thought I was that unattractive that I would have trouble finding a man who wanted sex with me. It's only been like this since living in Nofolk and in the last few years...it never used to be this way. I used to have lots of men who wanted sex with me.

Norfolk people talk too much, I am too tired for sex after all the endless chit chat. Going out with Norfolk men is like going out with a female...yack yack irrelevant subject, yack yack, emotional support emotional support, yack yack, irrelevant subject, latests fashion, gossip, yack yack, emotional support emotional support....

I'd prefer a mate from a different part of the country...I feel like I signed my romantic death warrent moving up here. I have never ever gone so long between relationships in my life. I am astounded to say the least.

If they didn't keep insisting on meeting up to chat and wanted to go the cinema or something so there is less emphasis on making conversation I'd be more likely to want to spend time with them.

The only way I can keep up with chit chat is to over load my brain on processed sugar and High Fructose Corn Syrup which over excites my neurons. Unfortunately that leaves me with a hangover and headache the next day. It also makes me horribly thirsty.

I am looking into relocating to a different region where people don't keep endlessly nattering. I don'd mind some conversation but this is becoming ridiculous. All talk, no action.

I'd certainly wouldn't mind going to the cinema with you

There are times when I don't get the "cues" of flirtation. However, I like to flirt myself--so (perhaps) Problem Solved.

I flirt gently, though--doing the Milady Thing. Some women like that, others don't. I also link to wink, whisper sweet nothings, etc.

I always liked Thumbalina as a kid.

Let out a little chortle on that one.

The whole flirting thing has always been completely foreign to me - I just don't get it, don't understand it, and am unable to do it.

When I was young I was told by more than one girl that I was "dense as a post - don't you get I'm flirting with you"...

"Uh - you were?" I'd reply.

The inhabitants of this planet drive me bananas some times.

Is it flirting when a woman sends you an email thanking you and complementing you as interesting and includes her age?

I'd like to know so I don't embarrass (keep embarrassing) people (and myself).

I have spent a long time thinking about my difficulties getting a girlfriend despite being a top dog on paper and generally enjoying the company of women over men. I have concluded the # 1 reason is because I am absolutely, positively oblivious to flirting and even if a girl were to strip down to a bra and throw herself at me I would help her up and comment and how lucky she was I happened to be standing there to catch her.

I can also relate to a small extent to the OP. I find my brain goes into overdrive to convince me I didn't see what I saw because I had such low self-esteem. After all, girls told me all the time as a teenager how ugly I was. I never clued in that there was probably just as many who thought the opposite but were too shy to say it out loud. I think my problem is that a lot of happily married women really like me so I tend to assume all flirting behavior is just a girl being polite and friendly and nothing more. I used to be very direct and compliment women on their appearance but that totally backfired. I honestly haven't a clue how to escalate a platonic situation into a romantic one. I can look back to being 20 and I girl so obviously wanted to sleep with me (maybe 2) but it never even registered with me at all. Story of my life I figure it out when it is too late!

They allow you to wait? Gosh, they must be polite in Norfolk!

I had a situation a couple of years ago that hits on your point. I knew a guy casually (he worked as an actor in the haunt attraction my family owns) whom I found BREATHTAKINGLY attractive. I do the makeup for the haunt, and I would always spend WAY more time making him up than any of the other actors. The other makeup artists knew I was crushing on this guy, so would always direct him to my station. Well, he started doing things like hovering around me, coming around to visit for no reason when the haunt wasn't active, sitting near me, etc. If this had been happening to anyone else, and I was observing it from a distance, I would have no doubt that this guy was sweet on me too. But I flat refused to believe such a thing was possible, because he was so beautiful (still is, but he doesn't work or live in the area anymore) and because he was 17 years younger than me. Everyone I knew who witnessed this told me this guy liked me, but even with all the evidence, I still doubted it. As a result, I didn't pursue him or show that I was interested, and he moved on.



This is a good point as well. Something my friend said was that many married men (I guess women too) will flirt just to make themselves feel good that they "still got it". I asked my friend how do you know that this is what's going on, and the guy isn't really wanting to hook up. She said you don't. Well, that sucks because what if you take this person's innocent flirting seriously and then get burned badly because of it? Also, because I'm an older woman, I worry that men who compliment and flirt -- especially much younger (20+ years) men -- are just doing it to humor me. There's that nasty self-esteem again -- I tell myself "Yes. He's being flirty. But it's because he's just trying to make a middle-aged woman feel better, not because he finds me attractive."

I forgot to mention in my original post that the friend I talking to about all is VERY experienced. She is really attractive -- a green-eyed blonde -- and has been with a LOT of men. She isn't Aspie, but not quite NT either. She does have some AS traits, but even more than that she claims to have Multiple Personality Disorder -- 27 personalities at last count. So it's interesting that she experiences all the same doubts and emotions as I do, and yet she is able to push past it and get the men she wants, whereas I have been alone for a lot of my adult life.

Wow...this thread is really making me sound pathetic....

I don't know what I'd call them but polite isn't it.

I really want to move back to the Midlands where I originated from. Or maybe Stratford Upon Avon. Unfortunately it seems to be expensive to live there and as I don't work I have very little monies to work with.

Looks like I'm stuck up here for the time being.

I'd call them ignorant backwater yokels but that would be kind of rude of me.

They remind me of the American Trailer Trash culture but much much dumber and probably more inbred. Plus rather than carrying shot guns they don old laterns and pitch forks instead. We don't have street lights where I live but they have discovered roads (yay, go them). They seem to like to keep it in the county up here and that is probably a good thing as I don't want to risk mixing my perfectly good (somewhat smart) genes with theirs anyway.

There is a reason the drs at the N and N hospital in Norfolk coined the phrase NfN (Normal for Norfolk) when referring to their more intellectually challanged patients. They obviously didn't think that Norfolk people were very bright. I'd like to get out of here before I lose my IQ too. It used to be in the 140s....

If it's something in the water (as the old saying goes) I don't drink it (I prefer mineral) but what if the problem is something in the air...

I did read that Norfolk suffers from a lot of air pollution and something is sure as hell making the people odd around here...

I seriously need to find another place to live where the people are more friendly. I used to think Worcester people could be ignorant gutter snipes at times but hell they are wonderful compared to the people up here. The guy in the local pub who walked up to me and said "no on here wants to talk to you because you are too weird" would have ended up with a black eye and broken teeth had he said that to someone in Worcester...good job (aside from when I am throwing my phone at the nearest wall in frustration) I am a shy, congenial timid one when around people (I don't like violence towards living critters) because I just came home and cried.

And people wonder why I have a bad attitude towards the human race sometimes...

It enjoys hurting people who have never done anything to hurt them too much. It's kind of sick and it both scares and upsets me.

I find humans emotionally and psychologically traumatising to be around. It is partly why I'd rather just be around my arts and crafts instead. My hobbies are therapeutic for me. A little bit of beauty in what appears to be an increasingly ugly society (no planet...the planet is breathtakingly amazingly beautiful...it's the humans walking around on it that's the problem. Well many of the humans, not all of them, but a lot of them anyway. They don't even care about the environment they live in, all they care about is licking each others arses and playing social games and social politics whilst incessantly gas bagging all day).

I want to move to a different Universe...nevermind a different city or even planet.

I really don't want to have to keep observing all this social arse licking most humans do. It's making me feel queasy.

I have never flirted, and I don't plan on ever doing it. It's too complicated and pointless.

Just wait till you get a little older.

Anyway....it's the ladies who usually flirt. It's the guy's job to pick up on the flirting