Emotional Processing delays

Post Reply New Topic

So I sent my aspie friend an email saying that I did not like the way he treated me at work and that he was a wimp. I sent the email two days ago and he did not answer but was trying to avoid me the following day. We didn't talk at all.
I have notice in the past that it takes him a while to process things I've said to him. Is this true for you guys too?

Yes, long time to process.
I see it more as added thoroughness than as a delay.

?

What is the question?

An emotionally driven person produces quick or knee-jerk reactions.
A reason driven person appears to have delayed reactions.

Olympiadis, can the delay be a few days/weeks?

Wimpy whining an name calling, he should have gotten over it yet. It creates an nearly eternal loop of thoughts and feeling inside the aspie person until the "problem" is resolved, at least in my case. It ranges from days to years. You just have to take the trash out and give the person a response.

If you attacked me on such a personal level by calling me a wimp I would not email or want any further contact with you either.

If there is a next time with this person or any other person on the spectrum and you do not like how they treat you tell them you they this(whatever the bad thing was) it hurt me because (what ever reason it hurt you was). Please don't do that again. Be specific and detailed. And if possible do it in person not via email.

I called him out on his behavior which has been going on for over a year. I basically wrote that he was a wimp who couldn't stand up to an insignificant woman in our workplace who is disliked by other colleagues for being a moron. He basically does what she says most of the time, to the detriment of his colleagues who can't stand her.

So why do you think insulting him will solve the problem? And what if he does like her? Have you concidered that? Maybe she's not a moron. Maybe she just has some difficulties fitting in? It seems like you're trying to punish him for not being a d**k to that woman.

If I were you, I'd apologize, but probably wouldn't expect him to respect or talk to you again.

By the way, you never explained how he was treating you badly. Or do you concider not shunning that woman treating you badly? I think you need to explain that a bit.

Ummm, you speak with authority as if you know his history and mine. The truth is, you don't know any of it and it is a waste to give a man like you the whole story.

Some men are wimps and destroy their relationships with their colleagues and friends because their girlfriends feel insecure about the looks and success of others. It has been my experience that sooner or later, these men break up with such women with very low self-esteem. Yes, maybe he likes her (it is complicated) but all my colleagues are on my side in this case.

Anyway, the question was not about the woman. It was more about how aspies process insults.

Of course I don't, and in the same way you don't know enough about me to know what kind of man I am (or if I am a man at all). That's why it would be better if you could elaborate on that a bit.



So you and your colleagues don't like her, but he does. You don't like her because she's insecure. He doesn't want to be a part of ganging up on her, because he happens to like her. That actually seems like a brave thing to do. But you think he's a wimp for not hating her, just because everyone else does?

Aspies often do not think in terms of "socially accepted", but more in terms of morality, justice and compassion.



Oh, but it is about the woman, because that is the reason you insulted him. For most aspies, it's not about "getting over it". It's about understanding, what happened, why it happened, if it was fair or not, and based on those (and other) parameters, deciding what would be the appropriate response (for the aspie/individual/person, not for the social group).

Has it occurred to you that I may not want to tell the whole story on a public forum?





This is irrelevant. The problem is how he treats me (and some other colleagues) due to her insecurity. HE is the perpetrator, not her. Example: If you have an ugly girlfriend and a beautiful woman talks to you, the ugly woman feels insecure and threatens him at home that if she sees him talking to this and a few other women again, she will air his dirty laundry and leave him. If the guy returns to work the following day and treats the beautiful woman with distance and anxiety/does not want to work closely with her, then that is a workplace problem (which has its origins in a personal problem). Does this make sense to you?




Ummm, no, I did not insult the woman.....I insulted his wimpyness in not being able to stand up to her and treating me and others badly because of her insecurity. Get it?

This does clear things out. Yes I can see the problem.





If you read it again you'll se that I never said you insulted her, but that you insulted him because of her.

Anyways, I guess him being anxious/avoidant around you is what you're referring to as "treating you badly" and being a "perpetrator".

The thing is, work is not the most important thing in the world, not to everyone. Having someone that understands you (to some degree) and wants to be close to you, however, is something that most people want more than anything. If he decides to sacrifice work for love/affection, that's pretty normal, right? (Not saying it's always right!)

You're right about it being a problem if she's making him avoid you (and other colleagues) because of her insecurities, and of course that has to stop, although insulting him is not the solution. I would suggest explaining to him why it is a problem, and maybe even help him figure out how he's supposed to talk to her about it. Maybe you could talk to her even. (Again, no insults! Always be as delicate as you can in these matters.) If none of that helps (or if you don't want to talk to him/her), talk to your manager. Maybe he/she can talk to both of them about it, and make them understand that this kind of behaviour won't stand in a professional work environment.

And as for your question: You probably hurt his feelings pretty bad, since aspies tend to be quite sensitive about such things. It might take him a while to process this, not because of some "emotional processiong delay", but because he's probably genuinely hurt by your comment. Also it's obvious he does not have control over this situation, and therefore I wouldn't blame him for his behaviour. Instead of insulting him, try to help him out of his predicament.

It's not easy to deal with the situation, snufkin. He is the boss of the company and she is in a similar field but does not work with us. She knows about his roving eye and is extremely insecure so she hangs out around his work a lot. The truth is he is a wimp because in making sure that she does not feel insecure/crazy, he is harming his work relations. He is not even married to this woman and they have broken up four times already, so I still don't get why he is willing to sacrifice his working relationships in order to placate her. Perhaps he is that much of an idiot that he doesn't realize what he is doing?

It might be, as you say, that he doesn't realize what he's doing (although that doesn't necessarily make him an idiot). I think the best thing would be to apologize for calling him a wimp (which of course is not okay, no matter if he is one or not), and then try to explain the reason for your frustration. Getting emotional won't take you anywhere with him, but logic and facts might. Explain to him that his behaviour is creating an unsustainable work environment, and also why that is. I know it's hard, but you'll have to keep calm and suppress your emotions while doing this, or he won't listen to you. If he doesn't listen anyway I don't know what to do. If it's possible, try to find someone he will listen to, like a friend or a business partner, someone he trusts, and make them talk to him.

Autistic people generally don't play office politics and don't always adhere to social norms because that is not what drives them.
He is obviously not influenced by what the others think about that women and may see something in her that they don't. Good for him for not following the senseless pack mentality.

If someone insults me I never have a spontaneous reaction. I may spend a lot of time trying to sort out why they said it, looking at it from all angles, wondering if it was my fault, wondering if it even was an insult, etc.
eventually I just let it go.
I would never discuss it with the person.

From what you say it sounds like the women was being ganged up on and bullied.