Asperger's Curiosity Decline?

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Hi I'm new here and I have Asperger's syndrome.
Can people comment with similar experiences regarding curiosity and/or
help me find out how to regain my Asperger's induced obsession?

I've kind of lost my early childhood OBSESSION with science (which made me so good at it) and maybe even
with most things in life.
I feel so average/below average now.
I also feel like I've got a bad memory.

As a child, I was curious and good at science but since being depressed (possibly
due to bullying in secondary school)
I've not had that 'adrenaline rush' (for a serious lack of a better word)
of excitement when an Aspie does what he/she is obsessed with,
whether it be trains or I don't know but for me it was always science.

I wanted to be a scientist for most of my conscious childhood life until age 11 when the
depression hit. I'm not even sure what a scientist does now (I'm aware there's many types but still)
or even if it's fun.
Since the depression I've kind of escaped by wasting a portion of my life
listening to music, visualising and drawing
which leads me to my next point about the potential factors that could be the problem.

Potential Factors:
- I'm older now so maybe I just don't see things like I did as a curious child.
However, other Asperger's science enthusiasts/scientists (I think people like Einstein, Feynman, Newton, etc.)
do not seem to have been faulted or even affected like this so I feel like
ruling this out. Or is it that my Asperger's symptoms are 'improving'
since my social skills have dramatically improved? Does this mean it's also
taking a hit on my curiosity thus intelligence/ability?
After the depression started, my social skills
did NOT improve until years after the depression started (but when it finished, my social skills improved a lot progressively year after year)
so it doesn't sound likely as a simple explanation as just
'the brain is rewiring itself, unfortunately in a way you don't like completely'. But I'm not sure.

-Is it anything to do with brain lateralisation?
The right brain hemisphere is apparently associated with creativity (I must use it a lot
as I visualise when I listen to music and I sometimes like drawing, graphics, story thinking, music, etc.)
and the left is associated with logic (I'm very logical but bad at maths)
If I were to get a brain scan (PET, MRI, whatever)
would abnormalities in hemisphere structure/usage be found??
Not sure which hemisphere is dominant for me and in what ways, when, how frequently, etc.
Maybe I used my right hemisphere, (drifitng towards creative areas than logical)
perhaps neglecting my left hemisphere?

-Blame brain chemistry? Ultimately, is it just the combination of levels of
certain hormones and neurotransmitters that is having an effect on how I think?
Age 11....trying to think of a correlation....puberty = hormone level changes yes?
Coincidence? Insignificant factor? I haven't got a clue. But it doesn't affect everyone as I've
mentioned before. Not everyone loses their Aspie obsession after early childhood.

-Depression? Is it really possible that depression has a long lasting effect
on how my mind works even years after the depression seemed to be over?



Well, a couple of years ago I got into biology (though I was not at all interested in this science
as a young kid) but I'm still not that curious, much less OBSESSED!
I interpret this shallow-ish interest as just a way for personal gain (other than intellectual fulfillment)
rather than curiosity as I despise the concept of death
and physical/mental deterioration and hope to one day contribute into
finding out how stop the aging process.

What I tried:

I've tried to get the obsession back but it seems like I'm not interested in anything much any more.
(Like nothing surprises me in a good way, I don't feel particularly happy or satisfied and feel time pressured.)
By the way, drawing isn't an obsession of mine, it's just a nice thing to do when I'm not lazy.
When watching science documentaries now (not sure if they're as good as they used to be or whatever other factors)
compared to my childhood, I feel a little interested with the visual aspect of information presentation
but it feels like I'm lying to myself that 'this is interesting' and it's just my childhood pulling
my hair, demanding that I get back into the obsessive state, forcing me to rekindle my obsession for science.
I'm not even sure if it's myself lying or if I just need to be subjected to it longer.

When I read science or even anything, well, I just don't seem to like reading now.
Only a little with science articles but not much so you can imagine how difficult it is
to study effectively.


I appreciate any kind of help.
Have you ever lost your obsession? How did you get it back? Was it the same as how
you left it as a child? (And are you an Aspie, I can't assume.)
Also, do you have any idea based on my post,
how I can get this childhood obsession back?

You can't force an obsession. Certainly you can't force yourself to go back to an old one after your interest has cooled--it will never be the same. You have to move forward, on to the next obsession.

Thanks for the reply.
But it's literally been years and no new 'true' obsessions have surfaced.
Something is definitely wrong.
Any way of not 'forcing it' but rather 'encourage naturally'?
Man I need a psychiatrist....

Also, I'm kind of nocturnal;
I concentrate better at night but obviously still nowhere near to the extent
I could as a child.

Meh I'd be mindful of the fact that most aspies are not depressed near as often as it appears. The thing is most aspies tend ignore their moods and emoions when focused on something. So it appears there always depressed when in reality they never focus on their mood when happy.


Interests are tricky, and they are often unpredictable.

As I've gotten older it's less one specific thing I'm interested in. However it's important to realize that I'm always obsessing, it's just not one paticular topic.

I generally cycle through, industry, technology, economies at one end of my interest, and music, culture, language, and sports. Of course there's a massive degree of overlap.

If you don't find yourself interested in science anymore, then I suggest that you stop obsesssing over not being interested enough in science, and let your brain find something else to be interested in, and once you find something else to be interested in, you might not care about not being interested in science anymore, or maybe you will become interested in science later, without actively trying to be interested in science. Like maybe you have some problem with being interested in anythign right now and for the past however much time since the depression, and the first step is to become interested in anything again, regardless of what topic, then once you get back your ability to be interested, then maybe science will naturally start being more interesting.

Hmm, I noticed you mentioned how Einstein was interested in science his whole life. While that may be true, it is not the case for every scientist, or person with Asperger's. I have Asperger's, and while I have never been without an obsession, I typically only have the same obsession for about year or two, then I end up with a different one. One thing I noticed, though, is that, as I have gotten older, my changes in obsession become more frequent. Sometimes, I even have two or three obsessions at a time! Like, right now they are Doctor Who (a tv show), superheroes, and psychology.

Speaking of getting older, did you say you are eleven? I got depressed around that age too. It's probably a puberty thing. I remember that was around when I lost my obsession for becoming an entomologist (a scientist who studies bugs) and instead became obsessed with fantasy stories like Harry Potter. While I have not become re-interested in bugs, I did become interested in other scientific/animal issues, like animal cruelty and climate change.

My best advice is actually to explore new interests. Your obsession with science may come back, not come back, or come back in a slightly different form. For example, my obsession with outer space somewhat came back in the form of my Doctor Who obsession, since the show is about a time-traveler who can also travel through space. However, you can't force the obsession to come back. Just do things you like and try new things and hopefully you will find an obsession.

Also, I would like to add that the whole being depressed and retreating into books thing lasted three years for me, but that was mostly because other things were going wrong as well, like my only friend at the time moved away, and my dad got remarried and I hated/ still somewhat hate my stepmom. Hopefully your depression won't be as long/bad. For me, the happiest part of my life so far was in high school, where I rejoined the world, made new friends, including two who I still keep in touch with even though we go to different colleges, and had a good time in Marching Band. I wish you the best of luck in your future as well

My obsessions come out of nowhere, and I too have the extreme high feeling of excitement when I am in a new obsession. Then when I get bored there's a lag time between the end of an obsession and the beginning of a new one which to me feels like depression.

From my previous experience they come on due to some fear or even dislike about a certain topic, which spawns a curiosity, which becomes a full blown obsession. Then the fun begins where I stay up and can't think about anything else, and begin to bore anyone I know with details about it. I gain a lot of information in the process though. I can't force an obsession, it just happens, and this is one of my most prominent aspie traits other than OCD and social awkwardness.

Apologies for the long post but thanks for the responses so far. I appreciate it.

That's interesting. It's possible that not having an obsession fueled the depression more but it was certainly
not the main fuel source (bullying probably was) but maybe it was the fuel that kept the depression burning the longest
so to speak. Yeah I cycle through interests but they never spawn into obsessions or even moderate curiosities.
I cycle through drawing, making up story arcs, gaming, comics, graphics design, video editing, 3D modelling/animation (this one never lasts long, takes too long to learn properly!)
and Doctor Who (TV show) and stuff. These mostly seem to be right hemisphere dominant stuff. I feel like I've
very much neglected my left hemisphere or whatever part of the brain made me so good at science as a kid.
I'm still not bad at it now (but not as extraordinary as I was as a 5-10 year old)
but when even reading becomes difficult to bare, (it seems so boring and I can't read that quickly or effectively without re-reading, etc.)
then getting new knowledge becomes a chore.


Yeah that's ironic that I'm slightly obsessing about my loss of obsession of science.
It may be nostalgia based. (Who doesn't love nostalgia!? )
You make a good point about trying to be interested in other things to get the ball rolling
and hopefully find the obsession again but I'm not sure how possible it is.
It's difficult for me to analyse myself, how interested I am at one point in time but it's been years and that's worrying
me which leads me to worry about my academic life as I showed so much potential I was practically
guaranteed to have a bright future; now I feel like I've been robbed of a gift and a one way ticket to a secure, well paying and enjoyable career.


That is a very interested post. My only true obsession was with science, the rest (like drawing, graphics, movie making, etc.)
were just moderate to strong interests but not obsessive like I want a career in them. (I know those industries are not as secure as science related careers.)

I like Doctor Who, psychology and superheroes (comics/movies/cartoons!) too!
It's fascinating seeing these similarities. But with the case of doctor who I think I was borderline obsessed with it
as a TV show (but obviously not as a subject you could get a career with)
but this died down low once Matt Smith and Steven Moffat took over; this may be due to me not initially
liking Matt Smith or not liking the stories/execution/cinematography/pacing or possibly due to not having much
time and motivation to watch many of the episodes. In fact I was kind of disappointed of the newer series after David Tennant and Russel T Davies left
Strange because I liked Moffat's Weeping Angels episode during the 10th doctor's run but I also feel bad for Matt Smith leaving and kind of appreciate his acting and
uniqueness quite a bit more now. The human mind is so complicated, let alone an Aspie mind.
That 'spark of excitement' very slightly came back when the 50th anniversary was going to air because I thought it would be just like
the older days with Christopher Eccleston (9th doctor) and David Tennant (10th doctor). I liked the episode by the way.
My love for space has kind of died down too. It's just painful knowing this.
Life cycle of a star? Child me would say "YES PLEASE! WHOA!"
but now I'm like "if I NEED to know it, I'll try........AHH why so many steps man?? Do I have to memorise EVERYTHING??"
Memory may be a significant factor.
It also doesn't help that I'm not sure what field I want to specialise in and don't know what a scientist actually does on a daily basis.

And finally, yeah I was 11 when the depression hit. Lasted for years. Then the depression stopped 3 or 4 years after I think.
Your obsession with bugs changed to animal cruelty, etc.? Interesting as my obsession for science
has kind of gone/significantly decreased but I'm just moderately interested in biology (a science I did not like as a young child)
but only really because I don't want to age/die. (Well I suspect this is the only reason. Maybe it isn't.)


For me, the lag difference seems to be like 5-8 years which is horrendous unless I'm not counting
moderate interests. So I feel like taking action before it's too late. For all I know, my aspie way of doing science could have
contributed to science somehow; even if it was just to teach someone else something that would lead them to do great things,
at least I would help humankind and enjoy it and have a well paying career in the process.

Wait, in your experience, an obsession manifested from a disliked topic??
How is that possible? I've never liked maths/never was that good at it (despite being good in science)
and I could not imagine tolerating the subject much less being obsessed in it!
(Even algebra looks confusing like I'm looking at a foreign language and all those rules are boring and difficult to remember,
so many steps, exceptions, etc.)
Do you mind expanding on that? I can't imagine how it could be possible to become obsessed with
a topic/subject I originally disliked or feared. How did it happen?

I'm 69 now, but I can still make my OCD and ADD do what I want them to do. For example, I was a professional highways and transportation engineer until I retired at age 65, and I decided that I wanted to revive a burning interest in comparative religions, philosophies and meanings of life that captured me in my early teens but which I had made myself 'shelve' until I had enough leisure time and private income to do justice to such a vast subject area and had therefore decided to return to it upon retirement; and I did that for about 3 years until I was satiated, then switched by choice to coaching and counselling auties and aspies over the internet, and have written four ebooks and a print on demand paperback book, all of which have shot to the top of Amazon hit parade in my genre and niche. Elated with that success, I am now a blogger on the New York based Huffington Post (annual regular readership c. 95,000,000 regular monthly readership c. 43,000,000) at the behest of its Editor in Chief despite my being a UK citizen and resident. I write about autism and Asperger's Syndrome. I intend engineering and marketing an encyclopaedia planned, designed, written and illustrated by auties and aspies in 101 fortnightly instalments and after that a series of books of bible stories in 66 fortnightly instalments, so I have to curtail all my other retirement options and write a business plan to explain my intentions to my prospective backers, the Prince of Wales and the Government of Wales. And I also have a trilogy and compendium of speculative biographies about 3 famous characters to publish by the summer. So I daren't allow my OCD and ADD to take over from me.

my obsessions always arise from curiosity about something i wish to investigate. i think that my curiosity is a keenness to unearth and recreate the elements of that which i wish to understand.

i sometimes imagine things that i wish to bring into reality. it is all well and good to "run a show" in my head, but it is crucial for me to bring it into reality so that i can sit back and watch it as a spectator rather than to always dimly see in my minds eye what i imagine.

i will try to do whatever it takes to bring what i like to imagine into reality, and some of those things i imagine will take more than a lifetime to realize.

Hello,

I just wanted to follow up a little. I'm 48, although I haven't been formally diagnosed with aspergers I am 99.9% sure I have it. I was diagnosed as a child with ADHD (before aspergers was known about) and motor skills problems as well as spacial perception. I had motor and vocal tics, and walked late and talked early, very shy as a child, but I was also tested and my IQ at that time was 160. In my teens the depression and anxiety came in full force. All of the tests I took have Aspergers scores. I just don't know that its that important to go through all the trouble of getting a diagnosis, because I am well aware of what is going on with my brain. That being said I have very intense obsessions to this day.

As a child the obsessions were about dinosaurs, model trains, cars, and I also had some odd pets which I became obsessed with. Those included a gray rat, dino dogs, salamanders, poisonous frogs, lizards and an iguana. Once I became an adult I really don't remember having too many obsessions. I think one was photography and darkroom, then later I got into computers and Linux (maybe learning about some programming languages and networking).

Later in life my more recent obsessions were Secular Humanism, and Atheism (even though I'm a non practicing christian), Conservatism, Survival-ism, target shooting, technology gadgets, video games, ancestry, the old testament, and lastly I started the obsession about WWII and learning about Hitler and his allies. Now earlier I was talking about how an obsession was from something I disliked. I never liked Hitler because of all the evil things he did.

I think what triggered the one about Hitler is I happened to be doing some DNA ancestry tracing and found that I was mostly Italian, but had a German like nose, so I started comparing my nose to others who had German ancestry through pictures, then I realized some of the pictures were nazi generals who strangely had a nose similar to mine, and I really don't know what happened but I started a very in depth obsession about Hitler, Eva Braun and then their failed war tactics. Then that obsession started one about learning German and finally a DNA test only to find I only have 0.3% German, but strangely I have 10% Asian in me!

Usually my obsessions last 1-2 months and the time in between is either none or a month. Sometimes they last a week or two and occasionally a year. The Atheism obsession distanced me from family and the Hitler one caused me to loose friends, because unfortunately most just don't understand what its like to be an Aspie.

I forgot one, music. Mostly to listen to music. Classical piano, some 80's rock, and I do like industrial or trance music once in a while. I use music as a way to "escape" when I get mentally and emotionally stressed. I find I need a lot more private space than most people, and my girlfriend has a hard time understanding this, but I actually start becoming angry (though I don't show it) if I don't get my alone time.

Did you have bad science teachers?

I had a lifelong obsession with science that ended up temporarily disappearing due to depression from bullying but also from how some of my science teachers were absolutely atrocious. Learning the subject matter took such immense effort (since I was basically attempting to teach myself college material despite being a high schooler in the middle of a nervous breakdown) that I decided it just wasn't worth the struggle.

It came back, but not quite as strongly, after years of rest and after starting ADHD medication. I'm pretty sure that once I get back to a real school instead of just reading Wikipedia, it'll be just as strong as ever if not stronger, because now I have the right supports. (I didn't know I had Asperger's or ADHD back then.)

As for your trouble with math, that could very well be your teachers, too. I've tutored people who swore they were terrible at math, but once I explained WHY it's done the way it is instead of just expecting them to memorize it, they understood. Most teachers don't seem to understand the abstract, conceptual things. I, on the other hand, still can't do basic arithmetic without a calculator half the time, so I had no choice but to rely on a conceptual understanding instead of memorization. I'm blessed with a natural ability to figure that out. Most people need it explained, but most teachers are sadly unwilling or unable to explain it, which creates a vicious cycle of students not understanding, then the ones who can get by with memorizing growing up to be teachers who don't understand. Maybe try Khan Academy. He definitely understands and can explain the abstract/conceptual stuff.

It could be dyscalculia (math learning disability) in addition to the bad teachers. Depending on the severity, someone with dyscalculia can still be (or become) very good at math.

As for going into biology because of a fear of dying, maybe that's just too scary! If you're constantly exposing yourself to something you're afraid of, you might be too anxious to learn it. You say you like Doctor Who--- could you see yourself as a physicist studying time and space? You say you like psychology and use creative, "right-brained" activities to escape--- perhaps a career in neuroscience researching the very nature of creativity and the human mind?

I hope that wasn't too disjointed or confusing or braggy. Good luck!

Your post sounds exactly like what I have been through.

I have Asperger's and throughout my childhood/teenage years I was obsessed with anime. That ended when I was about 18. I went without a special interest for a year, and then at age 19 I became obsessed with the films of Tim Burton and Johnny Depp, along with My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Those obsessions only lasted a short while, and by the time I was 21, I had lost my ability to have special interests altogether.

I spent a couple of years being really upset that I no longer had special interests. It was all I talked about every day and every night, with anyone who would listen. My mom said that I was "obsessed with being obsessed". At one point I was so desperate that I even tried to hypnotize myself into having special interests again.

Eventually, I just became tired of over analyzing the issue, and I calmed down and began to accept the probability that I may never again get to experience the same level of intensity with my special interests that I once had.. It still bothers me at times if I think about it too hard, but for the most part, I am OK with not having special interests anymore.

I think that, back when my special interests were, well, especially intense, I was using them as a crutch so that I would not have to deal with my own thoughts and feelings. It most certainly didn't help that I often played out fantasies in my mind where I was the "victim" of an "evil organization" (which included anyone from my former childhood friend who I'd had a falling-out with, to family members I didn't get along with, up to complete strangers who happened to annoy me) and the only ones who could "save" me were the characters from my special interests.

In other words, I depended on my special interests to shield me from the world instead of learning to be strong on my own. Once I stopped the constant fantasizing and started being introspective (starting up an internal monologue, talking to myself both in my head and out loud) I began the process of getting to know myself, accept myself for who I am and learn to be strong if and when a real tragedy should strike (I have been incredibly lucky insofar as that I am part of a loving family and none of the ones I am close to have gotten very ill or have died).

Sorry for kind of rambling there. I really hope that I provided some kind of comfort to you.

I'm glad I signed up to this forum, really nice replies, thank you everyone.
It feels like my Asperger's was an advantage as a child, now it
feels like a bitter-sweet poison stopping me from pursuing science. (I'm still quite analytical and eccentric but concentration. interest and memory slip a lot.)

Your breadth of obsessions is impressive. I'm usually so narrow with my moderate interests.
How would I be able to disallow my condition/s negatively affecting my concentration and interest in a subject?
Obviously 'just be motivated' isn't going to help but maybe you found a break through that allowed you to
stay obsessed?


That sounds like me! But in the context of trying to manifest movie scene imagery from my mind, onto film or animation,
which is difficult and directly impossible. Dream recording machines haven't been invented sadly...
So what you're saying is, visualise myself as a scientist and that might help?
The thing is, it doesn't seem likely to work (as it's kind of a shallow motivational aid) and also
since I'm not sure what a scientist actually specifically does on a daily basis, I just imagine
myself walking around with a lab coat as if I was a kid in a dress up party.


Well a diagnosis is worth it (if it's free for you) if extra support
(usually academic I think) would be useful for you. Since you are 48, I'm not sure how useful it is for you now
but I'm not really sure of all the benefits any way since I've been diagnosed only recently (though knew for a long time I was 'different') and am still
in my academic life.

The Hitler thing you mentioned is interesting but I don't think it can be compared to trying to like maths when I've never liked it.
It's understandable though because even though Hitler was an evil person (forgive me I'm not a historian but I think he actually
killed his family or something so he still killed with his own hands, on top of ordering the cruel deaths and research torture of millions of
people in total) but I can understand how you can be interested if you find WWII subjects somewhat nostalgic or interesting
or if you like to understand criminology or the mind of a psychopath/sociopath, etc.
I didn't really like Richard Feynman that much (didn't know much about him and I assumed he was mostly a mathematical
scientist) but then I realised, I like Einstein and he was math heavy but also found out that they both
likely had Asperger's syndrome and I suddenly became more interested, it sounds shallow but that's what happened.
But I wouldn't dislike a scientist if he/she wasn't an Aspie, that would just be silly!

I think you should have explained to your family the Atheism thing was just for exploration purposes and you're
still a non-practicing Christian, perhaps even just from a scientific point of view because scientists can still
be religious; and your friends should understand you do not *like/admire* Hitler, but have
an interest related to him, perhaps his heritage or something else historically or genetically related in subject.
They really should have understood you but I won't judge because some Aspies have a hard time explaining their behaviour without
some neurotypical people (who may not understand some Aspies) jumping to wrongful conclusions.


I've been recently diagnosed but I don't think it made much of a difference so far.
Did getting diagnosed really help? How? Are there experts on how Aspies learn effectively?

When I was a kid, I read encylopedias and just understood and remembered stuff and sometimes wrote them down simply
because I liked to. Now I can hardly stand reading. Except online science articles, a little. Even then,
I feel like I understand as I read but if I stop and someone asks "what is that article about"
I would have almost no clue a lot of the time. What kind of goldfish memory do I have? It's driving me crazy.

Even I don't know the best way I learn now. I just notice a slight improvement in concentration at night.
Mind maps don't help at all. Spider diagrams kind of help with categorising numerous research studies in psychology but it gets so messy
and I still forget huge chunks.
Memory is a huge problem for me. I might not have that bad of a memory but it feels like
I dispose of information I think I don't need, I can hardly remember what I ate yesterday;
my mind is just so aggressive like "and in this study they looked at 3000 volunteers....I DON'T CARE, GET TO THE POINT!"

I had bad science and bad maths teachers! (Or at least to me. Although lots of neurotypical people also complained they didn't teach effectively)
I hate it when maths teachers skip steps like they think everyone's practiced it! (If that were the case, the lessons would be redundant!)
But my lost obsession in science very very slightly came back when I had a lovely science GCSE teacher
who was genuinely interested in science.

I might have ADD (I've really never been hyper but I struggle to concentrate, especially on mundane information,
which most things in life have transitioned into unfortunately; I don't find much surprising or interesting, I'm constantly bored or
questioning whether I'm *actually* enjoying what I'm doing.)
and I might have discalculia: I fairly frequently input in incorrect buttons when using calculators,
like entering 62 instead of 26 or possibly pressing divide instead of multiply.

Problem with me studying any science except biology and psychology, (thus chemistry, physics, astronomy, etc.)
is that they require a significant amount of maths knowledge I assume.
I mean, even algebra confuses me. (All those rules to memorise...yet little explanation.)


I find analysing myself extremely difficult. (Assuming I understand what introspective means; analytical state of one's thoughts?)
I feel like I've been half asleep all my life
and that my younger self was a completely different entity/different person entirely.

Was being introspective the thing that saved your obsession?
If so, how do I go about doing this if I'm bad at analysing myself?
I so talk a lot to myself (in my mind of course)
but I suspect this is not what you mean.
And yeah your post was comforting, thank you.

I think the reason I got distanced with my family during the atheism obsession is when I have an obsession I sometimes "live" the obsession. I joined an atheist group and went to meetings in person with atheists and felt like this is it, I'm an atheist and I've always been one, then a year later it dawned on me that it was just another obsession that I had no control over. I got some bad criticism from family and I became saddened because I'm bad with accepting criticism from people. I always take it to heart in a very emotional way.

The Hitler one was more basic interest in the war and his group etc, but I think the reason that went bad was because many of the friends on my Facebook wall were Jewish and they abandoned me because they thought I was targeting me. I always had an interest in criminology, so it was appropriate for me to develop an interest in that. I have problems realizing first how something will affect someone when I do things. It was too late, but at least I am past that obsession.