I've noticed recently that me and my ex are very similar in many ways and when I recognized that she simply could not handle too much emotional intensity, I recently realized that I cannot do that either.
Whenever things get too intense emotionally, I get completely thrown off course. I ruin things for myself but mostly, I just simply cannot do anything but think of the issue at hand. This also really, really affects my sense of self and everything about me. I get confused over myself, who I am and what I want to do in life. I don't think my identity confusion is as bad as it used to be. The biggest issue now is how emotions really affect me and how I simply cannot handle too much of it anymore.
My Uncle, for instance, really aggravated me by calling me lazy, wanting to feel sorry for myself and immature. I ended up being too angry for words and not being able to concentrate on my essay for a very long time. I started having very fired up imaginary conversations with him telling him exactly what I thought in order to make him shut up. These imaginary conversations held so much anger and I couldn't stop putting my emotional energy into that for at least a few weeks. I decided to cut him off and block him after he deleted me from Facebook because he thought that the things I put on Facebook were weird. Now that I have decided that I don't want him in my life like that anymore, I am fine.
I have a history of doing this simply because I cannot cope. I cut people off and out of my life who are like this. It doesn't matter whether they are a family member or not. I don't speak to either of my parents because of the chaotic relationships we had and a bad environment. I just cannot deal with it. And when this happens, I have absolutely NO emotional connection with any of these people. I can cut off very easily and very rapidly.
The conundrum about this is relationships. I really want to be with someone I can be intimate with but at the same time I feel too intense and emotional over relationships. Frankly, they scare me. When I'm with someone I am TOO emotional. I get confused over what to do when I am intimately involved with someone and I find it very, very hard to separate myself and my life from them. I become intensely co-dependent because I am so scared of what might go wrong. I become too anxious, too insecure and I have been known to completely give up anything I was building for myself and physically vacate where I was living in order to avoid the emotions that I had to face because it was too much to deal with.
I am scared of relationships because I hate what they do to me. I hate that I get hypervigilant over when they will call back. I am terribly insecure and this affects my day to day life immensely. I want to do well in my second year of University but at the same time I really crave a relationship and intimacy because I feel so lonely sometimes. I haven't been able to build up my life and be myself because emotionally things get too overheated. At the same time I want both; I want involvement with someone and at the same time, complete detachment in order to get on with what I need to do for myself.
Anyone else felt like that?
30 Jun 2014, 4:11 am
