I have problems socialising

Post Reply New Topic

Hello WP, I have asperger's syndrome, so have problems socialising. I do not know how to have a normal conversation with people and i also lack self-control (when to say the right things at the right time).
Could you please help me?
thank you

Hi - and welcome to the forum.

There are many many people on here who would love to be able help you (me included). But, unfortunately, most of us are still engaged in the search which you have just begun.

There is no sign that answers will be available any time soon, but just joining in the discussion is helpful to most of us. I'm sure that most members of the forum will welcome any contribution which you might like to make.

'Normal' conversations are relatively unusual on here, and people frequently say the wrong things at the wrong time (me especially). You have nothing to fear...

Hello and welcome to WP!

Short recipe:

People with AS tend to view details instead of wholes. This causes social issues because we tend to view people as seperate individuals instead of individuals part of a group.

This means you have to fake socialization. It is not natural for people with AS.

So the best "script" to put into your head is thinking:

"What's best for the group".

The reason NTs think this way naturally is because they actually need to be a part of a group to feel well. A person with AS does not. Therefore this mentality does not come natural (at all).

What truly means something to someone with AS is being able to decide their own actions.

NTs subconsciously "rank" people according to their importance. This concept is unnatural for people with AS because AS people naturally think they should be in full charge, not have leaders. If you want to learn social skills you have to adopt this mentality of ranking people so that you know when to be dominant and when to be submissive (concepts that are not natural for people with AS either).

It might help to have a list of questions to ask the other person / people when you're getting to know them. Things like:

So what do you do for a living / what do you study?
What do you enjoy doing on your weekends?
do you have any pets?

and then trying to add something to their reply.
Its not great but it seems to be what other people do and it does tend to stop people just walking away from you while you're trying to meet them.

Join The Club!

Welcome to WP. I'd love to be able to offer you some words of wisdom on the subject but alas, I'm just as clueless on it as you seem to be. As I am old, I have found out what I'm comfortable with, what I'm not comfortable with and situations that make me want to run for the hills. I find, my work environment is rather easy because most of the time, it's just me and my computer - the way I like it and if I do need to speak to anyone, it's work related. I tend to steer away from getting into situations where people do small talk. I hate one on ones and I hate small group gatherings. I also hate large rooms of people and parties.... That pretty much covers everything, doesn't it?!?! I guess you could simply sum it all up in a word. Solitude! What a lovely word. Solitude!

After mixing with the buggers, I need plenty of alone time to recharge!! !

Hello sm97. I consider myself to be pretty good at socializing, but it also may have to do with the fact that I live in a big city and have been exposed to a lot of different types of people.

As a rule, always be as polite as you possibly can to strangers you must interact with. This of course means eye contact, please and thank you, and sometimes smiling. You might not get it perfect, but all you can do is try. The more people you are exposed to, the easier it can become. If you have an understanding boss and are relatively high-functioning in regards to the NT world, working a service job can actually help your social skills in the long run. Coffee shop jobs and bartending are the best, if it is possible for you.

As far as people whom you might want to be friends with, you literally have to find some that appreciate absolute honesty and don't see it as being rude or awkward. Otherwise, you might find that hanging out with them is mentally taxing for you. For some people that are a little more awkward socially or mute, this can take a while. However as long as you have a relatively positive attitude you should be able to collect a small group of people who understand and accept your quirks (even if most people do not).

If you have any other questions, feel free to ask me. Good luck with everything!

I can't stand social situations, but if I have to be involved in them, I take a different strategy than most on here. It is probably not recommended.

I am a very strange person, as many of us are, and I like to use that to overwhelm people. If I'm going to be out there, I like to put myself as far out there as possible, and do it with confidence and bravado. I find that it works much better if I single myself out rather than them doing it. I also find that while being strange can typically be a negative, if you do it with enough boldness and swagger, it's respected. It's sort of blowing past the point of being "weird", and into being respected for "being yourself". Plus, I find that being the center of attention often allows me to then dictate the social situation, and mold it to my liking. If I set the tone right off the bat to be very odd, most people will fall in line and begin to follow the pattern. Essentially, I force them out of their comfort zones from the get go, which allows me to shift things in my favor.

The only problem is that I cannot sustain it. It's very, very draining to be the center of attention when you really don't want any attention at all. In a new group of situation, I often become established as a leader of sorts, but I quickly hand off to someone else because I just don't want to do things for the most part. I also have to be prepared. I need to know the social situation is happening ahead of time, so I can build up for it. It also takes a ton of confidence, so if I'm not feeling good then I can't hack it. Also it means I'm essentially immediately claiming dominant position in the hierarchy, so it doesn't work well if there is a dominant personality type in the mix, because then there is a clash.

As I said before, it's not recommended. I've never been able to play their game, but it is possible to force the game to be on your terms. As a final note, it is a terrifying and risky strategy as well. If you don't push hard enough, then you're in the weird get laughed at/talked about area. It's basically going all in on a social situation, either respect and fitting in well, or humiliation and abject failure.

Two things:

1. Find people that have the same interests as you and get involved with them any way you can.

2. Learn how to dance. It's made a BIG difference in my life. You can search youtube to learn about dances that appeal to you.

I like advice #1.
Number 2 is useless for a lot of us with motor coordination issues.

I tried ballroom dancing. I really wanted to learn ballroom dancing. I couldn't do it.
I don't know how they do it so easily, just like their conversations seem so easy and spontaneous.

Welcome

Many of us have problems being social. As someone said above, find people that share the same interests. I have a friend - who also has Aspergers but we've known each other since we were younger. We don't always get along, but he's about the only person I can really maintain a normal social life with if I'm with him. But at times I don't want to be around him.

He has managed to tackle the social problem. Don't ask me how. He can go out and meet friends. He enjoys going clubbing and what not. I can't stand it. He invited me on holiday with 29 other people. I refused. I envy his ability to mix with a large group of people like that. But, he's extrovert, so much so that he'll often get into troublesome situations because he's too forward. I am the opposite. If I'm around others I'm silent, so I avoid the troublesome situations.

Find people you are comfortable around, that will help you a lot.

I go to a pub with my mom sometimes, and I'm still sat there silent half the time.