Are you always awear of when you are "acting"?

Post Reply New Topic

In a situation where you find yourself with a group of people be it at work, with family, or close friends, are you always awear of when you are acting/faking being "normal" or are you monitoring your behavior and words moment by moment?

I know that some things can become habit after intentional practice, even if the action or behavior is never natural. Over the years, before I even knew about ASD I "trained" my self to watch people's eyes (because people reacted better when I did that), now I don't think about it until I realize that I'm staring too long. I still have trouble reading body language and faces, but a few years ago I watched several documentaries on the topic of non verbal communication and have sense been able to make more accurate guesses with out thinking as much.

Have you "trained" your aspie qualities down and do you realize it when you are pretending to be "normal"? Is pretending to be normal a default reaction when around other people?

Hmmmm, well, I'm not sure, because even when I may think that I've trained myself to do something of this topic, something happens to describe otherwise.
Out of the things that I have tried to unnaturally train myself to do, such as going through extensive rituals to greet someone, I'd say that even if it may seem automatic in a way, every time I do it, I think of the fact that it was a rule / something I was told to do, so really, the only thing automatic is thinking about the rule that I have to do it, even if it's just very briefly. Actually doing the thing I don't think is really automatic for me in the way it is for other people around me. I still forget to do this all the time anyway, and I don't know why I should do it in the first place, so that's probably why it's even harder to remember to do at all.

Over time though, thinking about the rule probably becomes more and more automatic-like. There are a lot of random things and rules that I decide not to try to learn anyway, because it's not easy to learn them, and a lot of them don't make sense for me to waste energy on learning them.

Last edited by serenaserenaserena on 02 Jul 2014, 7:09 pm, edited 3 times in total.

For me it's a default reaction, yeah, but it's still something I have to think about and concentrate on. It takes a lot of effort. It has never been something where I can just go on autopilot and do it without thinking.

It's hard for me to explain. I think eye contact is the best example that I do. I will look at the eyes, still getting little to no information, and tell my self "keep looking... o, don't look away" which is effort and makes it harder to respond to the conversation. But the reaction is always to look at eyes first now because I have done it so often in order to not be seen as rude.

I look at people's noses when I do look at the person, and to them, it looks like you are looking at their eyes. Looking at people's eyes freaks me out.

Last edited by serenaserenaserena on 03 Jul 2014, 1:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I can "act" with great difficulty, and only around a few people. I can count on one hand the number of times I've looked someone in the eye. I can't read expressions, especially not in profile.

Complete strangers point it out and I've had judges at debate meets dock points from me over it.

I used to not be aware of it until I learned that I was doing it. Now I can be more aware of it. When I was a little kid I was not aware. Once I got to be around high school or even junior high I think I could tell if it was not so subtle. Now I think I can tell more.

By being 'normal' you do mean attempting to hide your symptoms/traits? If so, yes

I am never acting/faking being normal....sometimes though since I have depression, anxiety and ptsd as well I will try to act less depressed, anxious, irritable ect....than I feel, and sometimes can for a time so then people think I am 'ok' when that is not exactly the case and then don't worry or wonder what I possibly have to not be ok about, and I am always aware if I am doing that.

Faking acting "normal" has become a default thing for me in social interactions, yes, but only after years of suffering from the responses to my "real" self when I was a child, teenager and in my early twenties. It was somewhere in my twenties that I realized I was going to have to make a conscious effort to "be normal" -- which for me was being different from my natural self -- in order to simply fit in, survive and blend into the world of work and socializing as I was expected to. I'm 52 and there wasn't even a diagnosis in my youth, so I was never expected to be anything but normal even though it was clear to everyone that I wasn't.

When I was as young as 11 or 12, I was by then so agonized by my very clear deficits in social skills that I got every self-help book from the library that I could, even old fashioned stuff like Norman Vincent Peale. Because I wanted to understand myself, and I wanted to improve what I felt was broken in me. I felt like a defective item and I wanted to find out how to fix myself. I also became obsessed with psychology, psychiatry, and body language. Because again, I was desperately striving to understand myself as well as "normal" people, and to try to "fix" myself.

I bought books on human behavior, and body language. I mean, I actually studied body language from books on the psychology of it all, like a little autodidact! It was only because of that stuff -- and watching people on TV -- that I had a learning curve with an "OHHHHHH, so that's what I'm supposed to do/be like."

It's pretty sad. I still fail miserably because no matter how well I thinking I'm faking it, people can still tell there's something "off" about me. I do better if I'm well rested and if the people are ones I feel comfortable around. I do worse if they're not and I'm tired or already over-saturated with the strain of social interaction.

And that's another thing -- all of this faking is a strain. It wears me out. Although doing it has become automatic, the actual mechanics of it is a constantly conscious effort. But I can't just not do it because I believe that my life would go even less smoothly. Particularly since I don't have a formal diagnosis to fall back on if I'm just letting myself "all hang out" and someone has an issue with it or is confused, and I have to explain anything about my "real" behavior.

I think that for some people who have been long-diagnosed or were diagnosed as a child, it may be easier -- for some people -- to drop all pretense and let the cards fall where they may. Not least because at least they KNOW what's "wrong" with them and have the back-up, if you will, of a real reason, a formally diagnosed condition that is the real reason behind the way they are, the responses they have, the sensory issues, the social strain or awkwardness. I have nothing formal except a "highly likely" from both a clinical social worker and the Cambridge screening tests, but that isn't enough to go 'splaining with...

So I fake. Because I have to hold down earning a living and getting by in life and it's scary to do that without at least trying to kind-sorta fit in.

.

Yes, BirdinFlight, I can definately relate to your story.
At 12-13, I began to flirt with child psychology to figure out about myself, and I too got obsessive with psychology and methods for personal improvement, - even up until my mid twenties. Then I shifted to reading psychiatry to find out what was wrong, and at last to find out how to break myself down. I was desperate.

I have definitely felt that self monitoring and even commented my own behavior in third person. For years, I even felt like anybodys time-server and underdog, despised myself for it and went in psychotherapy for it. I was critisized for being too "categorical" about things and was asked to loosen up a bit.
Now I know, that it was because reading social situations and knowing how to act simply didn´t come instinctively. I was tense all the time.

It has been a relief to get a dx (at 60), and you may benefit from it too.

Not knowing what is faking and what is a learned skill is a problem for me. I believe I might have derealization/personalization disorders because of it, but I do not have the money to get an assessment. At least I am aware of it.

the line has blurred for me too, i am aware that i'm not my usual self but i have, over time, constructed a default personality that is almost as real as the real me is, so it's not exactly acting anymore.
compare it with a policeman, who can be very friendly, helpful and forgiving in his off-time, but is harsh and by-the-books on the job; both are the real him, he just switches between the two

the line has blurred for me too, i am aware that i'm not my usual self but i have, over time, constructed a default personality that is almost as real as the real me is, so it's not exactly acting anymore.
compare it with a policeman, who can be very friendly, helpful and forgiving in his off-time, but is harsh and by-the-books on the job; both are the real him, he just switches between the two.

now, maintaining my 'alternate' persona does take energy, and when i'm out i will either leave the situation or actively fake my way trough, but those times get rarer and rarer, becouse my 'alternate energy' grows each time i use it.

I believe, that all, AS or NT, has a "persona" in the public sphere, but AS people may feel the need of a more extensive awareness about it, since social reading doesn´t come so intuitively.

I have a follow up question: i have read that, generally, female aspie's are better at adapting their behavior and getting along in the world... Something about the female brain makes it more socialy driven then the male brain.

For those who know what I mean by "faking it" are you male or female? Out of curiosity....


O, I should mention that I am female (if you didn't guess) and I have an interest in psychology too, hence why I was studying body language in the first place.

Last edited by shylah on 03 Jul 2014, 8:47 am, edited 1 time in total.