I've been feeling upset about not being able to experience a satisfying level of intensity, novelty, and strangeness again. I'm not hating my AS. If anything I'm hating the fact that I don't experience certain symptoms of different disorders such as hallucinations and hypersensitivity. Even for my own disability I'm more on the hyposensitive end for most things.
I can't (more like shouldn't) go in the other psychological conditions forum right now because it triggers my obsessions and envy. I can't even feel sympathy for people like Beneficii because I'm distracted by feelings of envy and frustration. When I read those kind of experiences all I can think of is "I really wish I was hallucinating right now".
I just read something that made me sad. I'm starting to get obsessed with sleep deprivation again because it's the closest thing I can get to a psychotic state without drugs and it isn't even the same thing. I just read that the hallucinations and illusions experienced in sleep deprivation are mostly tactile and visual while psychotic hallucinations are predominately auditory in most cases. That's not a huge difference but it upset me.
With a diagnosis of moderate (or mild-moderate I can't remember) AS I know I'm lucky that I don't have issues with sensory overload. I know some people that do have it. The problem is my sympathy and empathy is replaced with envy because I'm too preo-occupied by how underwhelmed I am and how much I crave stimulation of any kind even if it's distressing. I'm so sick of being underwhelmed and bored all the time that I immaturely get upset about being lucky. I feel like the knight in Ocarina of time who wishes for more problems in the world because peace is too boring. What kind of psychopathic monster could think that way? Me.
I would honestly force myself into a bad acid trip right now or let someone torture me just to experience strong enough feelings. I don't have access to any drugs other than weed and crack though.
I know I can't get away with depriving myself of sleep without people knowing and being angry because I'm doing it intentionally. I know that will provide some relief by amplifying my sense of touch and maybe do other things that I haven't been able to reach yet (because my parents think it's harmful). The temptation isn't as strong as it was before but I'm getting pretty sick of being in this same waking state I've been in for two-thirds of my life (the rest of the time I'm sleeping). I'm also sick of being the same person and thinking and feeling in the same way. I wish I could just be brainwashed and suddenly forget who I am. I wish I could be made to think and act differently and undergo a total personality change. I wish someone could just totally rewire my brain in a way that isn't helpful so much as it's change.
I need change and no matter how much more world changes I will stay the same and that sucks. I hate who I am. I hate the way I'm built not because it's distressing. If anything it's pretty comfortable but I hate it to death. I'm an ungrateful, insensitive, masochistic as*hole (not that saying such things will make my selfish insensitive feelings any weaker). I hate the way my brain works but not in the way that will resonate with the majority of people here. It's not Autism that I'm sick of. It's me and my comfort. Me and my beautiful boredom. Me and the fact that I've experienced everything I will experience in life after 20 years.
If I get a job and move out it wouldn't be a new experience because I'd still be feeling it the same way and I always will so nothing new can come no matter how much my material/outer life moves. Most of all, I hate that I've essentially seen all that can be seen. All that I haven't seen is what can't be seen by me. All I can do is put myself under forms of acute stress like hunger and tiredness, mix in a few drugs, and get a temporary change where everything is slightly different. Even then I'm still missing things.
I hate that I'm just one individual with one set of experiences. That's probably the root of the problem. No matter who I turned out to be if I still had that root problem I would always be dissatisfied because I could've only been one person either way and a lot of experiences are mutually exclusive from each other.
I'm still frustrated by my own make-up and the lack of fluidity. I'm still frustrated by being locked out of certain experiences including ones that are pleasurable and those that bring nothing but pain. That's because it has nothing to do with pleasure or pain. That's not where the craving comes from. I wish I could feel things from touch as well. That's a pleasurable experience I'm locked out of. It's not just bad ones I feel envious about.
I am sick of my brain.
02 Jul 2014, 9:56 pm
