Feel hurt and resentful... What does AS mean to you?

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I was diagnosed with AS at a pretty young age, I think it must have been right before Junior high, maybe even in elementary school, I can't remember. I've suffered my whole life from feelings of depression, anxiety, pessimism, worthlessness, low self esteem... I rejected my disability, I hated it, it was the source of many painful experiences for me. As an adult it felt empowering to simply "forget" about it and never speak of it again, my family certainly knew better than to ever bring it up again, although there were times when my parents expressed regret over how I was raised or treated.

As an adult I've kind of felt suspicious of the diagnosis, I've met other people who have AS, and I couldn't really relate to them, they felt different. I saw them having relationships, dating, having lots of friends similar to their personalities... They were happy, they were able to socially interact and function and have fun... It seemed that a lot of the things that I thought were AS really weren't at all, because I didn't see myself in these other people.

This last month I found a website geared towards "grown wounded children". It listed a set of traits and characteristics common to people who experienced psychological wounds or abuse as children, I was completely shocked to see myself represented accurately and completely on paper. All of the things I had experienced most of my life were right there; physical symptoms, apathy, inability to bond with other people, excessive self doubt and low self esteem, anxiety, difficulty feeling emotions, fear of intimacy or rigidness during physical affection... I was indirectly hurt by my parents old wounds as I grew up, and now as I'm reading about all of this, I feel very angry at them. I feel like the blame was dumped on me, like I was the difficult, disabled kid, I feel like they should have taken responsibility, if not then, then now, rather than leave me fighting against them as they tried to make me accept my OCD, ADHD and AS...

I'm kind of in awe, unsure what to think, I kind of want to get tested, but I've read that people can "learn" to appear normal, and not test for AS as adults, so it feels kind of pointless. To me, AS has always been isolation, anxiety, fear, depression, low self esteem and difficulty feeling emotions towards other people. Sometimes I feel like a soulless monster. My suspicion now, is that these things aren't really AS, and that I've spent a good part of my life blaming my childhood wounds on a disability that I might not even have.

I'd like to hear what AS means to you. Do you feel the way that I described above? Are you generally happy? Able to form friendships and relationships? Hearing things from other peoples perspectives might really help me to sort things out.

AS puts a label on something in my life that needed definition.

I'm happier in knowing what is "wrong" (sic) with me.

I'm not happier in that I now realize I won't wake up one day and "fit in" as I had always hoped I would.

I've always known I was different to others. Even in kindergarten and infants, I had no desire to mix. There was one boy who used to hang around me. He used to carry a plastic bag full of ants around and eat one occasionally.

I was quite content to entertain myself. I have always preferred my own company.

Although I do feel really uncomfortable and awkward now when I'm forced into social situations and need alone time to recharge afterwards, this isn't such a big problem since I prefer to be alone. I really dislike mixing with people. I've never understood them and don't feel like I belong.

I've always marched to the beat of my own drum. I've always liked myself. I'm an individual. It can be hard sometimes but I don't care enough about what other clueless little humans think of me. I prefer my opinion of myself to theirs. After all, who knows me better than me?!?!

Thanks for the replies guys.

It seems like you're okay with being who you are, which is something I've seen in the few other people I've known in real life who have AS. They seemed comfortable with it and confident enough to talk about it sometimes.

It's strange... I never really had a problem with OCD, it was kind of a relief to know that my disturbing, intrusive thoughts were not me, but for the AS, I never accepted it, I never liked it, I never related to it in any way. Why was I so opposed to that one, over the others? How many of them are even true?

Did any of you guys grow up in abusive, or dysfunctional families? Both of my parents were abused, and they had not fully recovered by the time I was starting to grow up, so I feel that a lot of that had a negative impact on me, and might have caused some misdiagnosis's, most obviously the ADHD, maybe OCD and AS as well, I can only speculate.

Both reactive attachment disorder and PTSD can have some similar symptoms to autism, especially isolation and need for control.

The two are not mutually exclusive. I obviously have AS. However, the most damaging thing for me, I think, was growing up in a dysfunctional family (abuse, neglect, no support). It has shaped my personality in a very negative way, to where I don't trust anybody and won't let anybody get close to me emotionally and my emotions are haywire. I also have problems with depression and anxiety on top of having AS, so it could be a combination of all three (AS, other mental health problems, and the abuse and neglect). To me, it is not so much important to analyze the cause of the problems. I need to find ways to deal with life. I need to find solutions.

I have a hard time staying grounded, and having a sense of perspective except where I am right this moment. A lot stems from anxiety, but difficulty with executive functioning doesn't help. I am always questioning my perception of things, because I may be wrong/misinterpret ing/missing obvious key points.

I can say for certain I find people as a whole exhausting, and riddled with landmines.

Depression, worthlessness, pessimistic, paranoid., I felt all those things and I was not diagnosed because nobody knew about it then. I had labels and they were much more unkind and not true then Aspergers-Autistic. It is all how you react to the negative reactions.

But I do think you are right to look at being badly parented. But as you said that was about how they were parented, not Autism.

I just looked up a youtube video on the subject, and I can see, - and remember, that my life and self esteem has been very much colored by he emotional inconsistency, I experienced at home and the bullying at school. I don´t know, how much of my problems, reclusiveness, depressions, OCD, unhappy "love" for friends etc. and other stuff came from that and how much came from my "natural" AS trouble with fitting in.
I guess, that my aspie-troubles was triggered by my social-emotional background and If I hadn´t had ASD, I probably would have developed some other symptoms.

AS means to me, that I had a social handicap as a kid, a youngster - and as an adult, but I´m learning all the time.. I have experienced a lot of social fear and anxiety, but it also means, that I have always had a strong focus and a love for collecting specialist knowledge, which sometime has been appreciated by others and at least has been a source of joy to myself in my own little world.
I become a specialist in new areas of interests rather quick because of my obsessiveness and am very tenacious. I like that.
It is at any rate good to know, that I don´t have all kinds of personality disorders. I´m just an ordinary aspie.

When I was in my early teens, that was when my OCD started. We (me and my family) were staying in a house right out in the sticks and I got this disturbing though that I could grab a knife from the kitchen drawer and kill everyone and no one would know for weeks. Although I couldn't shake the thought, it disturbed me so much and I didn't know what was going on with me, I knew THAT wasn't me. I never knew what was going on with me until some time later when I found out it was part of my OCD. I still get EXTREMELY DISTURBING, violent, horrifying thoughts that chill me to the bone that I can't shake - along with the other HORRIBLE symptoms of OCD but I never doubted myself, not once. I knew myself too well and knew I would never harm anyone or any animal or myself. I knew there must have been another explanation. Now I know it was OCD and knowing the destructive, horrifying whirlwind it throws right through the middle of a person's entire being, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Fluoxetine helped a lot!! !

If you've got OCD, then I pity you!! ! If you've really got OCD, it's not something you need to question if you've got it or not. If you've REALLY got it, You'll know!! It will throw your entire existence into hell and you'll wish your life would just end. Believe me! It's a living hell.

It seems to me that if someone has been fighting against an AS diagnosis all their life then they'll find any other condition that fits as a replacement instead. This doesn't mean that the original diagnosis was incorrect. Just that a different one, that seems to fit, seems more acceptable to them. However, I can't tell someone else that they do or don't have AS. I'm not a doctor, and an AS diagnoisis is always an educated guess at best anyway, even for a medical professional. To me, AS is an explination for who I am, so I find it comforting, in a way. It's the answer to "Why am I who I am?" If that doesn't work for someone else then maybe that other person should choose their own "Why am I who I am?" It's better to put your self in a box than to let other people do so. People tend to be happier in the boexs they cfhoose themselves.