A letter to my dad

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I finally got myself to email my dad telling him about my diagnosis. I think it turned out well. I'm kind of apprehensive about suggesting that he may have some ASD traits because I have no idea how he will react to me being diagnosed as autistic, let alone me saying I think he has some autistic traits too.



"Hey Dad

So for the past couple years I've been looking into some things about myself.

About 2 and a half years ago, someone asked me if I have Aspergers Syndrome (a form of high functioning autism). At the time, I didn't really know what it was so I asked my friend about it. (she works with kids on the autism spectrum) She said that she had thought for years that I may be on the spectrum. I know it may sound weird to think that I may be autistic, but most people only know of the stereotypes and the media usually only shows kids who are more on the severe end of the spectrum.

After talking to some other people I know (a few of them have professional backgrounds with working with people on the spectrum), I found out that the people who were familiar with autism had already suspected I may be on the spectrum.

I've pretty much been obsessing over this for the past couple years, reading what people have written about living with autism. There were so many times I read something and it felt like someone was writing about me. It explains why I find face to face conversations difficult, but can easily talk to people through text. I now know why I find direct eye contact really uncomfortable... why I'm not good at small talk and don't care for conversations that aren't about something I'm interested in... why I can get obsessed with random subjects... why I absolutely can't stand loud, crowded environments like bars and clubs... why I'm not that good at relating to people... why I say What? when someone asks me something because what they said sounds like gibberish even if I technically heard the words they said (auditory processing disorder, which is common in autistics)... and why I had so many problems in school (I'm not trying to make excuses for it, I'm just saying there may be an explanation for it)

There are also many positive traits of autism. Good visual-spacial coordination... good at understanding how things work... detailed visual thinking (can have a very clear mental image of an object)... ect.

Trying to figure all of this out has required a lot of introspection and I understand myself a lot more now.

I decided to find a specialist to find out for sure. I recently had my assessment, and after a ton of questions, I finally know for sure. Last week I got an Autism Spectrum Disorder diagnosis. I don't think of this as an inherently bad thing. I'm glad I figured out that there's a name for why I don't fit in with other people. I don't want to be treated any differently, I'm the same person I was before my Dx, I just understand myself better.

I honestly don't know what your reaction to this may be because, honestly, I feel like I don't really know you. People have said that I seem like a clone of you, and it's made me think. There is a genetic link to autism, and if someone has it, it's quite likely that at least one of their parents have some autistic traits. I can't help but wonder if it's why we can both be together for a weekend and we can say only a couple words to each other.

I just want to stress that I don't think my Dx is a bad thing. Nor would I think it's bad if you had some of these traits. One of the main issue with autism are communication barriers. For me, I communicate much better, and can have much more in depth conversations over a computer. I would really like if you would be up for talking over instant messenger on facebook or something to keep in touch more often and to maybe get to know each other better.

Love you
Adam"

That's a beautiful letter. I hope you do get to know each other better.

It's a very well-written letter; concise and to the point, without omitting important details. I don't know what sort of person your dad is, but I hope very much he accepts it. Keep us posted on how things progress.

Wow, that is an excellent letter. If I was your dad I would receive that very well. It is very touching and says just enough to say what needs to be said and not more. It is very respectful and very loving as well. Well done Adam. I hope your dad responds positively to it. I can't imagine that he would not.

What a beautifully compassionate letter.

I found out about my autism when my son was diagnosed, but if I hadn't I would have been really moved to receive such a message from him.

If I was your dad, I would be thinking: you done good, kid - and also: if he turned out like this, we must have done something right.

I hope it goes well.

Yep...it was a nice letter.

How has your dad reacted so far?

My father's the same way: we don't really talk much. I call him once a week: "How's the family, everybody's fine, etc." He likes it when I call. He's not the confiding type, though. He's glad, though, that I've been able to be independent, and to not rely on him throughout my life.

I really like your letter. It spoke to things I have experienced but haven't expressed as well. I would lay off diagnosing your Dad or wanting to use your possible shared autism traits as bonding foundation though. He has to come to that himself. Sharing your own experience gives him the opportunity to become familiar with autism if he chooses. Regarding your relationship with him, I hope he is open to getting closer to you. I tried to get close to my father but was unsuccessful (he died.) Hopefully you will have better luck.

Reading these responses has made me think about my relationship with my dad.

How little we said to each other. How I wish I had talked about so many things with him before he died.

I wished that I had had more time with him, but I know that even if he had lived another decade or two, we would never have had those discussions. Because we didn't.

And yet I have rarely felt as close to anyone as I did to him, in those many hours when we were together and not talking, usually each absorbed in his own thing.

I miss him so much.

Just got an email back! Honestly, I think this is the first time we ever really exchanged anything about feelings or anything like this.

Here's his response:

"Well Son, I'm gad you let me know what is going on in your life. It sound's you have done the research, whatever it takes it takes to better understand what is going on, is good.

I can understand exactly how you feel, and I hope you tell me what is going on, in any way that is comfortable for you. I can't say that I have any answers but just unloading is good.

Love ya son"


I'm so glad I didn't get a negative reaction from him. I look forward to us getting to know each other better and have a closer relationship.

Good. Really Good

Jetbuilder, That is fantastic!! ! I am so proud of you for writing that letter and it looks like it has really opened up a door and started a beautiful bond between you and dad. That is really awesome.

I'm very glad things went well It definitely sounds as if he's open to understanding it, which is a lot more than many people get from their parents out of conversations like this. As far as telling your dad you think he has autistic traits, the way I did it with my dad was just to describe my symptoms, which then allowed him to acknowledge that he too experienced them or not, as he felt fit. It's a lot easier accepting things like that if one comes to the conclusion oneself.

I'm glad your dad is so understanding; I hope he continues that understanding over the coming years.

It was brave of you to write that letter. I think your dad knew that.

That letter is very well done. I think you dad will like it and I hope he does.