FAAAS

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Ok - this may be misplaced criticism since I really have not encountered this organziation much, but working on my dissertation I got on amazon.com and basically ordered every single book I could find that had something about adult autistics in it - so I ran across this one called 'Asperger's Syndrome and Adults - Is Anyone Listening?' that is edited by Karen E. Rodman who is one of the higher ups at FAAAS . . .

Now, I've done a lot of work with the gay and lesbian community, so when I hear about an organization that is for partners, parents, and family members of people with AS I'm thinking of PFLAG, which is the same thing for family members of gay/lesbian/bi/transgendered people and is generally a very nice friendly organization that is really supportive . . . clearly this is not the case for FAAAS - this book is just a group of stories by people talking about how horrible it is to be around people with AS . . . and I understand it must be frustrating but one person compares her life with her AS husband to being chained in a dungeon . . . ummm, divorce, maybe? My father has AS and my mother (who is bipolar, so that presents another set of issues) has stayed with him for 40 something years - they both hate each other and have been miserable for 40 something years . . .
I'd like to hear from the autistics in these households with people who are so clearly miserable - they can't be happy either . . .

I think this one is going in the trash . . .

I have seen that horrid book on Amazon. No attempt is made to understand the syndrome at all. It's all boo hoo hoo and there's no hope. I showed it to my NT husband and he said, "Don't look at that garbage. Those are just people who want to have a problem and now they have the newest one." So, there's his take on it. He's put up with alot in our marriage, but he walked into it with his eyes open. He didn't expect me to suddenly change because I loved him so much. He's a little more intellectual than that. And, that was before we knew anything about AS. We just knew that I was different. He is also different. He's extremely OCD. It would drive anyone else crazy, but I like it. So, there you go. It takes all kinds. If those women are so trapped, they should go see a lawyer and quit acting like victims.

As to that author, it's obvious she wanted something to sensationalize. That's what sells in the current society unfortunately. There are still too many who are fascinated by talk shows and such. It will pass someday. Until then, those women should get educated about how messaging works in the brain.

You can't just buy books. Most are written by IDIOTS that have no idea what they are talking about. I never did find a book on VB! They ALL missed vital things. HECK, even the cramsession VB cert book contradicted itself. I was lucky I learned a lot BEFORE I read it. Most books on SQL don't really teach SQL, etc.... Books on memory almost make it sound like I am GOD or something, because a lot claim that even things I can do are impossible, yet several here are clearly better than I am there. People write ASP books claiming it is an internet standard, etc.... They also claim Linux is JUNK!

If you want to buy books, read them in the library or bookstore, or at least check out the reviews at amazon! Otherwise? Get ready to be CHEATED!

Steve

But libraries get upset when you write in their books and tear pages out to stick them to the wall because you realize they are imporant but not quite WHY yet . . . I have to buy them . . .

My point is merely to read them enough to validate the authors knowledge a bit, or trust reviews, so you can mitigate the loss. Otherwise, it takes forever and costs a fortune to learn NOTHING.

Steve

Well, I can sympathize with getting snookered. I'm very vigilant with book reviews and reviewers and all that. But I bought a book about parenting (from the Love and Logic series) from Amazon. It turned out to be a Christian-based doctrine, with biblical quotes and ridiculous advice. There were no references to religion in any review and my son's former school used the series in their teaching methods (public school).

So, it happens. BTW, I went to the FAAAS, INC, site and you can't get any meaningful summary of what they're about. You have to subscribe (with money) and give researchable contact information to even join their site and read their content (materials and bulletin board).
No thanks. And they state that Aspies aren't welcome there.

Apparently other people really like that book by FAAAS - I just posted a terrible review on amazon for the sake of people like Steve who read them
There was one other lady who was apparently a parent of someone with AS (sounded like a child, but I could be wrong) who said the same thing I did . . .

I remember going on FAAAS website, and feeling like my heart was ripped out my body by reading some of the accounts of the "undiagnosed and untreated" adult with AS. I asked myself, how could these poor women put up with these men, AS or NT. There was one AS man who cracked jokes at his fathers funeral, another who destroyed his family's house with his abysmal handyman skills. Simply reading those accounts was very heart-wrenching for me.

Its very important that both people on all sides of every spectrum, Diagnosed Aspies, Autsim Rights Advocates, Clinicians, Therapists, Women (NT, and Aspie) understand the devastating effects untreated AS can have on family and social life, and just as importantly, that most Aspies are not, and do not have to turn out like the individuals who are described in the FAAAS book.

The problem with FAAAS is that they act like ALL aspies are like their husband, doofy, cold and spastic, and that is not true!

Nice. Then, the question remains, why are they families of them? If my family joined that site, I would disown them, no questions asked. That's the J in my INTJ talking right there. Judgement can go both ways. That doesn't mean to all NTs either, but that particular organization which I think fosters miscommunication and bad feelings.

This says it all "This short book, a collection of essays and poems, looks at the loneliness, frustration and sadness experienced, not by the person with the syndrome, but by their partners, parents and other family members: it is they who have to cope with the absence of communication, affection and empathy expected from a reciprocal loving relationship."

Notice the not by the person with the syndrome as if they have no loneliness, frustration and sadness experienced by the syndrome. Only their partner, parents and other family members do. I love how they define what is "expected." Funny how they don't know that the term reciprocal means each can impact and be impacted by the other. In other words, what I as a manager would expect in a reciprocal relationship is that even if one is an engineer and one a tech writer, they better figure out a common ground to understand each other and communicate to get the job done. If either one came whining to me with that garbage above, I would hand them a kleenex and tell them to go work it out.

It isn't easy to live with someone from Russia or India, but you learn from each other and you work it out. Maybe if they would spend their time learning about brain function instead listening to these shrinks validating their myths, they might actually communicate. Wow. What a concept! Bing. The light goes off.

It all comes down to this, you have to find your common ground and go from there. As long as emotion is ruling, there will continue to be nothing but hurt feelings and tears. But, I guess that is their "expected" behavior and we aren't reciprocating. Hmmmm

I just don't see the site fostering useful information. I read an article on there where they basically stated that no Aspie woman was fit to be a mother without significant help and that the government must step into these situations for the safety of the children. I wonder how the Aspie mothers on here feel about that.

Nice - I'll have to forward that comment about unfit parenthood to Dawn Prince-Hughes - I'm sure she would be thrilled to hear about that . . .

I was thinking the same thing about accpeting differences - and I was wondering, if I created a web site for the families of people with, say, cancer and printed that sort of thing, wouldn't there be some sort of outcry about it? It is just because it is a neurological/mental/whatever disorder (if you even want to use that sort of word) that it is acceptable to even have that kind of organization . . .

I have no doubt that it would be hard to live with someone with undiagnosed AS - I did with my father and it was hard - but if I had known about him (and me) being AS I would have worked with it, not whined about it . . . like the other day I went to my parent's house for my birthday (they are both in bad health, so them coming to my house isn't really an option) and instead of sitting on my Dad's side of the table (boundary issues) I sat on the other side, which made him more comfortable and friendly - little things really work . . .

I'm sorry to go off on this subject so much - I mean, I choose not to be in realtionships, but I know a lot of autistics want relationships and to even see any sort of organization like this just makes me angry

my husband and I were oblivious to the existence of AS until the past year. We will have been married 10 years this April. We never knew our personalities were "traits" until my son was diagnosed autistic. We were just weird to the people around us. I remember before I was even pregnant with my son (we had been married a year and a half), my mom mentioning how happy she was that "we found each other". . . silence. Because what she wasn't saying was that she didn't think I'd find anyone decent.

A lot of the negativity is born out of selfishness but also projected societal norms. I have this "friend" who can't think on her own. When she didn't get along with her then-boyfriend, she'd say, "my friends think he's wierd" "my friends look at him strangely".
She had this hyperexpectation that her friends (I guess I didn't count in that jury) were proper judges of character and coolness. It didn't matter if he was right, just that he was "awkward".
Just an example of people not looking inward to why they don't get along with some, but looking at the "norm".