Did you experience violent meltdowns, when you were a child? I mean the kind of meltdowns, where you lose all control and throw things, hurt others physically, etc. What did you usually do?
Do you still have them? If not, how old were you, when you learned to control yourself better during meltdowns?
What kind of things triggered or caused your meltdowns as a child?
If you have done bad things to other people during your meltdowns, have you been able to forgive yourself the things you did?
(Do my meltdowns sound like autistic meltdowns or something else?)
From the age of two or three, I had meltdowns almost daily. I just suddenly felt unbearably bad - I really cannot describe it further - and lost all control over my actions. I usually started throwing or breaking things around me, yelling and roaring, and hitting, kicking, spitting and biting other people. Sometimes I would even grab a piece of furniture and start beating a random person with it. I remember a couple of times, when another child was seriously hurt by me.
I was usually isolated and left alone as a punishment. It may sound harsh, but I think it actually helped me to calm down. I lay on the cold toilet floor, counted the ceramic tiles and could not hear anything from outside. I often cried, because I was so upset of what I had done. I got referred to a child psychiatrist, when I was five (which was in mid-80's), and she recommended further neurological assessments, but my mom did not want them done. In those papers I was described as following: "walks like a robot", "doesn't show any emotion when talking, probably has no concience", "has problems with transitions" and "usually calm or even flegmatic, likes to spend time with adults or books rather than other children". I think I actually had a strong sense of right and wrong, and I was deeply hurt about my own actions - I just could not control them, when I had a meltdown. Even during the meltdown I sometimes had this thought: "Oh my God, it's happening again and I cannot stop it."
The typical reasons for my meltdowns were:
- I was pushed to do something I was scared of. (This still causes me panic.)
- I was doing something that I liked, and I was told to stop it and do something else even though I felt like I wasn't finished with it (I have always been extremely slow in everything).
- There was a sudden change in daily routines, even if it was something fun. If there was a party in my kindergarten, I usually ended up in isolation before the day was over.
- I was just so tired that I would "snap" if someone said something to me or touched me out of the blue.
- Later on, in the early school years I guess, I learned that I was bad and that bad girls do bad things. And because no one wanted to be my friend anyway, it was easy for me to react violently, especially if I was irritated on purpose.
The violent meltdowns happened mostly during my kindergarten years and the first couple of years at primary school. I guess I started to gain some control over my actions after that; it must have been around age ten or eleven. It was discussed a couple of times that I might do better in special education, but they didn't transfer me, because academically I was ahead of my peers.
I remember only one occasion after primary school, when I lost totally control over my actions. It was at age of 17 or 18 - I was still living with my parents. I was reading in my room, when suddenly the phone rang. My mom came to my room and said that my pen pal was visiting my country and wanted to meet me right away (the same evening), as she was in the neighbourhood. I panicked so badly I started throwing things and yelling "No no no no no", and when my mom said I had no choice, I tried to attack her. Luckily I was aware and wise enough to run out (without even shoes on), take a bike and go to my "calm place" in the forest. I know what I did to my pen pal was extremely impolite, but I just could not meet anyone I had never met so suddenly. And my mom was afraid of me after that... It was just awful.
Even as a grown-up, it causes me pain, guilty and shame to remember what I've done to other people as a child and adolescent. I have caused both physical and emotional traumas to other children and even some adults. It was a long ago, but I still sometimes feel I should be punished for what I did. Does anyone else have these feelings?
21 Jul 2014, 5:43 am
