I have grown up my whole life, I am 25, not knowing what is wrong with me. Just recently I found out that when I was a kid I told my mom I thought I was dumb. When I was a teenager i asked my mom if there was something wrong with me. I've always struggled to make friends and often secluded myself in my room wishing I could be normal...which obviously lead to depression. I don't let it get to me like that anymore, but I know there's something wrong with me. Only after graduating from high school, barely, and while waiting to go to basic training for the Navy, did my Mom tell me she thinks I have a mild case of autism as well as something she called a sensory disorder. I was never seen for any of this however, because I was scared I couldn't join the Navy if diagnosed. I have seen many councilors in the last 6 years, and psychologists, and every one seemed to have a biased opinion of me since I was obviously a capable sailor and accomplished many difficult things to get to where I was. And I've explained my mom's thoughts to each and every one of them and explained why, definitely not to this extent probably because I can put my thoughts together into words much easier writing than speaking, but any help and advice I can get will be appreciated. If I think of anything else I will edit as needed with updates at the bottom. Thanks for taking your time to read this.
Ok so for starters, I can turn off my emotions like a switch and often it causes problems in my relationships. I hate dwelling and having to discuss the same things over and over. My emotional switch is so extreme that when I told my ex wife i wanted a divorce that was it. My mind was made up and I felt bad for her but i never once questioned my decision or dwelled on it or its repercussions on her, our families or anything. My decision never bothered me or confused me. I was never regretful or felt guilty for it in any way. That is just one example. I can do this with nearly every emotion, unless I get upset...when I get upset I get angry and frustrated and I seem to enjoy arguing when I get that way because I will keep an argument going as long as I can when this happens to me like I get a thrill from it and enjoy it. BUT don't get me wrong, its very hard to get me to that point, or rather I have a pretty long fuse. I am a passive person by nature, my dad and all his brothers are the same way. I am very realistic, systematic and logical as well. At times if I have to do something I enter what I have come to call "auto-pilot." I shut my brain off kind of and just do what needs to be done even though I hate doing things this way, it helped me through my years in the service. Due to this however, I feel as if it had dulled my senses or made whatever disorder(s) I have worse. I have always been kind of a loner and had difficulty making friends and I've always gotten anxiety when expected to socialize, especially with a group of people, but years of auto pilot has put walls up around me and has made me more withdrawn than ever. I find myself creating my own routines on a day to day basis, and my current job is mostly routines with varying factors on a day to day basis.
Other than being able to turn off my emotions, which at times can scare my family, I have this thing with my finger tips where certain textures make them feel like overloaded I guess...I've never been able to describe how it feels. Over load of the finger tips' sensors work I suppose. i.e. my Uncle is paralyzed and has been for the majority of his life. When I was little, and still to this day, whenever I'm asked to wash his hair I can't scrub his scalp the way he wants...I have been told this could be related to a type of sensory disorder related to autism. So this could all be connected but I am not sure.
When it comes to emotions, I have a soft spot for animals, I get nauseous just thinking bout running over a possum. I know I love my daughter because I'd do anything for her, but other than this love I have difficulty feeling an attachment to other people and communicating with them as well. I get more out of someone's physical presence than trying to have a conversation with any depth whatsoever...unless I am high which I find even more confusing. I have empathy although sometimes find it difficulty to feel what others are feeling because of my lack of emotions but I still find it easier to empathize than to sympathize...my sympathy is always forced and lacking all emotion...its like I am cursed.
I have a very high tolerance for pain and bruise very easily as well. Not sure if these have anything at all to do with anything about autism, but one can never be too sure. 7/10 times I ask "what?" when someone randomly says something to me and they hadn't already gotten my attention. I can't hear what people say if they don't speak loud enough or mumble. I hate mumbling it drives me crazy because I already have a hard time listening and following conversation. I also speak pretty loud most of the time, but not to an obnoxious point or anything but I am often asked to lower my voice by pretty much everyone even though I don't feel I am being very loud. I can't stay still either. I am always shaking my legs or tapping them on the floor, or tilting my head sideways, why? I don't know. I am always messing with my fingers and my fingernails. I will rip my nails off, or bite them, to the point they bleed and barely register that I am even doing it...its a horrible habit that I have had since before my first memory and I hate it but can't stop no matter how hard i try.
The only other thing I can think of to add is the fact that I'm obsessed with stories...good stories not crappy pointless and predictable stories...also mostly sci-fi, fantasy and adventure. But I become so immersed into stories they feel real to me and I find myself caring more about characters I read about, write about or even watch on tv or play in games than I do toward real people sometimes. I have become so immersed in my writing that its all I did for months and months...oh that is another thing I do. I get focused on one, sometimes a couple, of things that I enjoy or need to do and that is literally all I do. When I write I can't compartmentalize I guess is the word, or when I look for jobs online...I can't just do it for an hour or two and put it away to spend time with family or anything...I literally do it all day for hours upon hours unless for whatever reason i HAVE to stop. I hate this about me as well. Its like I can't spread something I enjoy thin over a period of time I have to get the whole thing in the shortest amount of time possible...sometimes I feel like that isn't normal either. I have a hard time making friends...I got out of the Navy after 6 years recently and for the past 8 months I have been living across the country from where I grew up and still have ZERO friends that I have ever hung out with on my off time. ZERO. it is depressing.
If anyone can plz help me understand a lot of this and help me realize whether these things are related to autism or not i would really appreciate it thank you for taking your time to read this.
21 Jul 2014, 10:48 am
