Had the first assesment apointment today. I have questions..

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Bluhh, hi, its me again. As the title says, I had the first part of my Aspergers Eval today, got another apointment in two weeks.

Tbh, I still very much doubt it'll come back as me having it, for one thing I'm pretty sure I fit Schizotypal better than I do AS (which I meant to bring up earlier, but didn't, because Wow Did I Ever Totally Forget). For another, the thing is, I honestly no longer remember why I referred myself for this but I kind of convince myself that I was "autistic without the social problems" (because apparantly in my head thats a thing) because the truth is thats honestly one of the very few things I've never really thought I had problems with? Like, I'm not smart or strong or brave or even that good of an artist if I'm honest with myself and probably not that good of a person either in some ways but I've always been able to make people like me. Thats the one thing I've relied on being able to do when my ability to do things on my own failed me.

So kind of have to ask how y'all felt during your assessments?

'Cause personally, right now I'm scared I'm gonna end up with a label that tells me I'm bad at the only thing I think I'm actually good at half the time and tbh idk what I'd do then.

90% of me thinks this is gonna come back negative in the end, the remaining 10% is terrified and neither part of me thinks this is worth it.

I have never been clinically assessed but I have been informally evaluated. So I might not be able to really relate to you as well as I would like. But when I was told that I was on the Spectrum I thought I was much better at things than I actually am and as I learned more about myself I realized that I am not as well adapted as I had always thought myself to be. I basically started seeing how others see me rather than what my deluded perspective of myself had been. I think that it is important not to put value judgements on who we we are when it comes to diagnostic realizations. You don't become a different person when you get evaluated or diagnosed, you simply find out if you fit a certain diagnostic criteria and then if help in certain areas is available to you than you can take advantage of that. It does not make you better or worse at anything to find out. If you are deluded you simply find out the truth but it does not change the actual reality of how you were before. Don't be afraid to hear what they tell you. I can understand if you have placed part of your security in thinking of yourself in a certain way and to find out that you may be different than what you based your security on can be scary. But try not to let it scare you too much. It just is what it is. You are still the same person no matter what the diagnosis actually turns out to be.

hey, within regards to not having social difficulties, I think to some extent, its just chance on whether any social deficits you do have will become obvious to you, at least until you get into the adult world.

In school its partly who you happen to meet (unless the social deficit is so severe that teachers pick up on it, but that would not happen to easily I don't think), and whether they are accepting of people even if they are a little odd, or you are unlucky to end up victimised because you meet people who scent the social awkwardness like a shark.

I don't know if I have social deficits either, I don't think I have, but I honestly don't know how I would tell if I did, people seem nice to me and I have friends.

Also in terms of thinking It will take away the only good thing about you, you are most probably being to harsh on yourself, and why does it matter if you have a brilliant talent in a particular thing, its just important to be happy, academia and being the best at something is not as important as some think.

if you ask people I am sure they will tell you your good points, sometimes if you have low confidence you will not have a true objective view of yourself

I wrote the following in my journal, following the final diagnosis appointment (there were a total of 3 2-hour appointments):



I also documented in my journal some of the skepticism I had with the entire diagnosis process.



The aforementioned ?detailed analysis? document was ~ 35 pages of type-written notes documenting my therapy history, list of anxieties, list of ocd traits, list of social interaction difficulties, list of sensory difficulties, list of motor difficulties, list of work difficulties, list of special interests, stimming, rituals/routines. Just about everything I could think of. I was disappointed she did not ask me questions from this document, as I spent weeks compiling this information.

You are getting evaluated, not doing it. You don't need to have answers. They will. You don't need to think about it either. They will do the thinking for you at this time. I'm quite sure you are not the prince of darkness. Try to relax.

Assessments are designed to separate the autistic from the non-autistic, and, while they are not perfect, they are effective enough to be of merit. If you do not have autism, it will likely show. I would bring up your concern of Schizotypal disorder in your next session (though be aware that childhood-onset schizophrenia/schizotypal disorder is extremely rare, and the average age of onset for males is 25, so you are rather young.) If your social skills are as good as you think, the doctor will see that. I wouldn't worry about it too much.