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Hey, yeah i guess im new here. i saw an time magazine on our kitchen table 3 years ago that showed this sad lookin kid on the cover and under it it said something about AS, the kid reminded me of not really so much myself, but as the way i felt, so i read alittle bit of the article, it talked about social disfunctions and what not. i thought "nah, thats not me, im cool as a cuccumber" i was depressed all throught high school, i had one friend, he was kinda weird himself so we just hit it off, i had a hard time at school cause my brother was mad popular, girls would always come up to me and ask if my brother can call them or for our number. I ate lunch in the bathroom alot. People did try to be my friends sometimes but id always say something that sounded interesting or cool to me but apparently it wasnt. I read some post about how whenever you find yourself in a group of people or with one other person you will say something and the person turns away or acts like they didnt hear you. i seriously belive they are not being rude, but there is something about the way i project my self thats unappealing, havent really figured it out yet. but that happens to me all the time. Im horribly clummsy. I fumble sentences all the time and have a hard time makin eye contact, all that jazz. Im sure everyone of us goes thru that so i wont waste yalls or my time talkin about it.

But there is one thing that happens to me frequently that i feel sets me apart, i can find no info on it and anyone i do ever dare to tell thinks im stupid or ret*d. This is the first time ive ever posted it, hopefully it yields.

God it is so hard to explain or even think about in my head. It happens to me when im alone only, my mind races a mile a minute like ive read alot of ours do. When im alone and have no distractions its even worse, when my brain has enough time to itself it triggers. Example, it happens alot when i drive. Im driving down the road, i turn off the radio and just stare ahead, i dont blink, dont itch dont scratch, my eyes feel heavy. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks, its like im shookin awake all of a sudden. when your sleeping and your violently woken up by something. i get hyper sensitve, ill swallow and can feel it in my toes. i know where i am but i cant really be sure. my hands fly off the wheel and i cant do anything but stare at my palms, "oh god where am i, why is this happening to me" i think. Its like the past 20 years havent been real and ive been imagining the the whole thing, but for this point in time its all real. All my memories are all thought at the same time, the feeling i get is so strong i want to cry. Ive drivin off the road because of it.

I ball alot of my feelings up inside all the time and i think its just as simple as they just kinda come out for a minute.Like some people hold everything in and one day it all just comes flyin out and doing violent or crazy, I think this happens to me but i get this feeling insted of goin crazy or getting violent. Sometimes i think it has to do with subjective idealism but thats a whole diffrent story.

Im confident it happens to people other than me but the way it feels and how it happens and how hard it is to describe makes me think its rare. perhaps its not, but i really want to find out yalls opinion. oh, it happens alot when i brush my teeth to. itll happen and i find my self staring at my eyes in the mirror for like 5 minutes. after its done i feel normal.

anyway, im really interested on hearing anyones opinion on it.

Welcome Steyer.

I could have written what you wrote.

Really, friend Steyer? You feel that too? Why, I havn't found a thing about it either!
When I am alone, and there is silence, my mind just shoots off, and it gets so deep in it's processes that... I don't know. These questions that bring me to panic of 'What am I' 'Where am I' What is all of this' 'This isn't my body!' These aren't my hands!'
It's so... I don't know. I don't know WHY either.
It's so wonderfull to see someone else who understands a little.
I'm sure we are very different in the manner, but the process, the emotional triggers, all seem the same.

my username is Draco, and I am delighted to meet you, friend Steyer; absolutely delighted.

Hello Draco,

Thats very surprising, Im glad someone feels the same way, well im not "glad", because it IS annoying but all the same. You hit the nail on the head with the "These arn't my hands" Ive had the same feeling and thought that EXACT same thing on several occasions.

and elfman, was that comment derogatory?

No Steyer. I am sorry my reply was so vague. I mean that I can relate to what you have typed. I however do not often have the articulation to word it my way. I would like to so that I may offer you an example of this likeness, but words are coming at a price lately. (They are exausting at the moment).

I can totally relate to the "this isn't my body" thing. It doesn't happen that often, but when it does, i feels as if though I have been asleep for the longest time, like some bear in the winter-time, when it goes to sleep for the winter...

There have been several occasions in my life when I have a moment that seems like "shocking lucidity". It feels like waking up from a wide-awake dream (in a "Matrix" sort of way) or having a momentary clearing of a perpetual haze. Whatever the cause, I find them upsetting and potentially life-changing because they briefly make me quite aware of how far my usual state of mind has drifted from NT norms. There is a definite "a-ha!" factor that brings new understanding and a new course of action.

I understand what you are trying to explain, it happens to me too when I clean my teeth I think its because of looking in the mirror. I just put it down to the fact that I study philosophy and have been taking Descartes to seriously. Maybe it is an aspie trait that is currently not recognised.

yah, every now and then, but for me its a bit different, and I think to myself, am I really living this life? Is anyone else really living a life besides me? What if there fake and are trying to fool me? Sometimes I wonder if everyone is actually against me, and is going to kill me when im older. I have stayed in this area most of my life, and have only been out of the Missouri once, and I didnt go far. So I wonder if the rest of the world is actually there. Im very sure im wrong, but sometimes those thoughts race through my head in those rare instances.

EDIT: sorry about all the grammar errors I made, I was in a rush

Last edited by speeding_bullet on 27 Apr 2005, 10:47 am, edited 1 time in total.

Perhaps one day we will figure out why it happens. But now I have a better way of understanding what Im feeling. I think its great how we've all felt it and had the same thoughts. Like "Am I really living this life?" and the feeling of elevated lucidity. Its a complex feeling, occasionaly its invigorating. Being more common than I thought it was I try to find more information on it.

It's actually fascinating. Yet, extremely stressfull.
It's like looking at at a mirror as if it were a window and not a mirror. You see another animal, that almost seems to be another specie... It's so strange, yet so familiar.
It's like... well... looking at an alien.
Suddenly the human seems so strange, and it seems it is not me.
So, I, being myself, try to study it.
I look at it's joints, it's bones, and how it's breathing. And it seems so alien. But I know it's me. And that's the stressfull part. I look down and it seems as if my own body is invisible so that I do not know what it is or what it looks like. All I see is the floor. That's what hurts the most. Wondering what I'm supposed to be.

But, I do believe that such is just me.

Its funny sometimes, laughable. "It" will happen and you will just take a slow, close look around. "It cant be real, just cant be" then you look at your hands. Yup, they are there but like you said, its not possible. Hilarity can be drawn from it.

How about this, anyone ever find themselves trying to convince your mind that your name is really your name. "MY name is Evan, cant be." "Evan, Evan, Evan, nah".

Next time you are lookin in a mirror take a good look at yourself for like 10 seconds and say your name. You'll freakout. If you do it I can gaurentee you will hit that lucid state.

How typical of the press to show always the
negative. This reminds of the Jerry Lewis Telethones
when I was a kid. I am 39 and by reading your
statements you are about 35-40. I am reading
into your statements and made this deduction.
I am HFA, and you didn't nor do I think know what
category of the autism spectrum you fall into. Did you
have a NVlD and I.E.P, also special
education when you were 5, or a walkining genius,
"Little Proffessor" when you were 5. Hmmm? This is
the difference between HFA and AS, from my readings
and my life.



Hmmm? This isn't out of the ordinary even
with NT's. Do you adapt well and then there
is your difference. What kind of work you do
as adult is often reflective of these adaptive skills.
I can see your social disfunctionaliness
is what it is.



Don't generalize, even NT's get nervous,
It is how you maintain a group setting that
reveals the underbelly of the turtle.
Hmmmm? Describe you workdplace since
adult AS/HFA is
more disguised than childrens?



I am responding and so are others. I take
my time on special cases that require thought
and evaluation, not short remarks. How much
progress have you made so far in your fishing
expedition?



Zoning! And don't worry it is a normal As/HFA thing.
Explain the chain of events that lead to and after it?



Again Zoning? DON'T BOTTLE UP, THEN AWARENESS
AND HEALING CANNOT HAPPEN. If you notice my posts
are at 468 in a month, this is part of the letting go of
the bottling up and thawing your emotional iceberg you
have spent building up. Hmmmmm? How does
this affect your family, wife?, kids?, JOB!!?



Don't worry, zoning again. LOSE THE ICEBERG,
it is being told to you by how you zone in the mirror.
You see you trueself, not the mask we become outwardly.

Hmmm? Most Inquisitvly,
Ghosthunter

Well to start off i just turned 20, and I was just making a quick general blurb about what I may or may not suffer from, All that stuff I wrote happened when I was a kid. Ive grown out of practicly all of it. The only problems I have left are the physical ones, I have an awkward gait when I run. I have terrible motor skills and I cant even catch a ball =/I still feel a general discomfort when im in a large group of people (who doesnt?) but not on the level of any degree of Autism. I just brought up all that stuff about "lucidness" and what not just because this website sparked past curiosity. I doubt I ever even had AS. Ive never seen a doctor nor plan to because of my naval career concerns. Im pretty well squared away these days. I just had this little autism scare when I was 15-18 cause the articles I read applied to me in alot of ways. I read into it so deeply that I think I may have tricked my self into beliveing I had AS, I guess you could say I was copping out.I mentioned it to my parents once but they told me I was just being lazy and feeling sorry for myself, and that was the end of that. As time went by and I got into the work force and started to get independent I realized that im not really special in anyway.I do have alot of stuff to vent but Id feel bad about doing it because people have it alot worse than I do and possibly wont grow out of it. Im not really into patronizing anyone so im just gonna use this as a study source to find out what I can. Sorry guys, I feel kinda rediculous.

I used to stare at my hands a lot when I was young, the body seemed like such a 'foreign object' so 'not me', and I think the hands were the easiest bit to look at and puzzle over. I remember being in a group of people who were chatting away and suddenly you'd realise their conversation had subsided and everyone was looking at you because you were just sitting there staring at your hands. A few such moments made me realise is wasn't 'normal' so eventually I stopped.

I feel a lot more at home with having a physical body as I've gotten older.

"Oops" double posted!! !!

From Ghosthunter

Last edited by Ghosthunter on 26 Apr 2005, 9:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.