Question for those of you who are married/living with SO.

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I guess this post is mostly for those of you who are married/living with your partner and one of you have some sort of ASD. I'm still not sure I've got AS since my assessment isn't done yet but even if it turns out I don't have it, I suspect the problem I'm going to write about is something I've got in common with a lot of people on the autism spectrum anyway.

I've had a boyfriend since 3.5 years back now. He is, as far as I know, NT and has no mental illnesses. I love him but we've had our ups and downs, like all people in a relationship. The thing that has been the toughest for us has been the fact that I need a lot of time to be by myself. If I don't get to be alone, I become really depressed, annoyed, tired and I feel like I'm going to panic. Like I'm getting smothered somehow. My boyfriend, on the other hand, is more social and he needs more attention than I do. He doesn't need it all the time but needs to see me more often than I need to see him. It's been difficult, especially since I deal with anxiety and depression even when I am by myself. There has been times when it's almost been too tough for my boyfriend to handle my mental illnesses etc. However, he says that he has changed a bit in that regard over the past half a year or so. He says he's more considerate and that he understands that I frequently need to be alone and that I'm not just being boring/rude.

Anyway, we've been talking about getting married. He really wants to get married and I'd like it too, but I'm really worried about a few things. The main thing I'm worried about is living with someone all the time. I worry that I won't get time to be by myself (as in being in a room all alone, with the door closed, not speaking to anyone but myself). It really scares me to be honest. Being by myself is vital to me and I'd be absolutely miserable if that wasn't possible anymore. My boyfriend says he understands that I need to be by myself but I suspect I'd feel bad about it and if I feel bad about it, it'll be difficult to relax (more difficult that it already is).

So, what I'm wondering is how to deal with all of that? How do you possibly marry someone and live with them and also get time to be by yourself? How do you balance alone time with time you spend with your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever?

I need lots of alone time as well, but if your planning to ever have children then you need to start forcing your self to get out and socialize more so you can adapt better before having to deal with demanding children, otherwise your going to feel overwhelmed. and as for your boyfriends need to be more social, children could be a good thing for him to help keep him preoccupied.

I have found the more alone time I have the more I feel I need it, i feel panicky around people and have gotten worse over the years by adapting to the isolation. getting used too it. and so the opposite is true, the more you force your self to get out and socialize the more you will adapt and adjust to it.

In my own case I have no problem getting alone time, as my wife and I have different interests and she gets to spend a lot of time with her female friends, while I like to go off to movies by myself and catch up with my male friends independently of her. However, we always go to restaurants together (if it's not a girls only catch up occasion) and have dinner together at home and most often go for walks together. The fact that you have doubts about getting married, suggests to me that you need more time to adjust to not being single any more. Perhaps you need to talk to your boy friend about giving you a bit more space in the relationship. If he's not willing to compromise with you, you may need to reconsider the relationship.

We're really not ready for kids. Neither of us.



Yeah, we have different interests too. I for example like to read a lot and he's cycling a lot, so I'd get time to be by myself but I wonder if it's going to be enough or if I need more time alone. I don't have doubts about marrying him. I just don't want to rush into it. We're talking about getting married but realistically I don't think that's going to happen for another two years or so (he'd like to get married earlier but I need more time and he's ok with that). By then I will hopefully be more prepared (I need to start preparing myself mentally now I think).

I've also been thinking that maybe, if I get an ASD diagnosis, I should talk to the psychologist who's assessing me (who's specialised in ASD and ADHD) about NT-AS marriages and if she's got any advice or something. Is that a good idea? I mean, she's working with people on the autism spectrum on I daily basis (I think) so she might know some helpful stuff.

Everyone's different. But when I think about what I read anyway, there are plenty of things by women in relationships complaining about isolating males. Very few complaints about women isolating too much by men. The stereotype of women wanting more connection, men wanting more alone time exists for a reason. And though not always true, may help you if you choose to go forward with your boyfriend.

I don't pretend you might not have unique circumstances. Everyone does. As far as my experience it is this:
As far as I am aware, my husband was not noticed for what he had trouble with as a child, and has always seemed to me more social....until suddenly one day I understood not really exactly true, more my interpretation of other people based on my own challenges. Even before AS existed in people's minds as it does today, teachers were (looking back) aware of something about me that was clueless growing up. Yet I long for more connectedness, just like NT women describe. And what happens in marriages is, unless you're fighters both of you, people get used to one another. It takes effort and IMO skill to maintain closeness. I think finding a way to connect is much harder, feeling intruded on rarely happens, or if it does, I don't notice it. Depends on the person of course, but if your boyfriend is respectful of your need for space now, or not, may well predict the future. Having physical space helps, or hurts depending on your goals. People can learn to almost tune each other out after spending a lot of time together. I don't recommend the disconnect, though. It's devastating to me. However, your question was about living together with a partner and being married. My answer, I get way more alone time than I can stand. As your boyfriend is social, things may be different for you. I think though that in a marriage with children, stereotypes are often how things turn out, so pay attention to them.

Children are another story. To be happy they do require a lot of connection. So you and your boyfriend would have to decide if he can do that, if that's not something that you wanted, or not to have children. Biology (and oxytocin) is powerful stuff though. I never would have thought I'd form the connection I did with my children, to where we were almost one when they were infants.....and it made me happy!

I apologize for rambling. A lot is very painful in being married. I would do it again though, if that helps. I have AS, have always been alone a lot, but do crave connection. And don't get enough. Look at WrongPlanet, though, we are all here connecting, often around AS and autism but still connecting. But we are all different. I don't think any of us have the answer for you, just our own experience that you can read and consider how it applies to you.

A lot of how much alone time you get depends on what you do for work. If you work alone and your boyfriend goes to work each day, you might find you get plenty of alone time.

My husband and I both work from home, yet I feel like we could spend a lot of time alone. Adult responsibilities necessitate that we buckle down and do our work instead of hanging out with each other. So, even in the same house we each get plenty of alone time. My husband is more extroverted than I, but it still works.

I will reiterate what several here have said: kids are different. I didn't mind the baby stage because the babies slept a lot (but sometimes the crying was tough to deal with.) But the toddler years can be tough. From the time they start crawling to the time they are about 3, kids need constant supervision when they are awake. There is so much they can get into. They climb all over you, make messes, and make noise all day long. I am not saying I don't like kids - it just can be tough. You need to be ready for the overstimulation they bring.

My husband knew I needed a break from the kids when he got home from work. When he got home, the kids were all his. I did whatever I needed to do - go to another room, get out of the house, whatever. The important thing to remember is that these stages do not last long, and as the kids become more independent, it gets easier.

I homeschool my kids, so I still see them all day long. Now that they are teenagers, we are often all doing our own separate things. If they had been in school, I would have had plenty of quiet alone time working from home as I do.

If I worked at a workplace and not from home, I would not feel like I was getting enough alone time because of the stimulation of being with coworkers (and customers/clients) all day long. One of the reasons I have made the job choices I have is because I know myself and what I like.

Being home with the kids is better than being at a workplace, too. I've heard a lot of women say that, and I agree. I did have to make sure I stimulated my mind and do things that I enjoy (special interests). My husband helped make sure I had time for things like that. I worked *less* when my kids were younger, but I still worked from home.

A lot of how much alone time you get depends on what you do for work. If you work alone and your boyfriend goes to work each day, you might find you get plenty of alone time.

My husband and I both work from home, yet I feel like we could spend a lot of time alone. Adult responsibilities necessitate that we buckle down and do our work instead of hanging out with each other. So, even in the same house we each get plenty of alone time. My husband is more extroverted than I, but it still works.

I will reiterate what several here have said: kids are different. I didn't mind the baby stage because the babies slept a lot (but sometimes the crying was tough to deal with.) But the toddler years can be tough. From the time they start crawling to the time they are about 3, kids need constant supervision when they are awake. There is so much they can get into. They climb all over you, make messes, and make noise all day long. I am not saying I don't like kids - it just can be tough. You need to be ready for the overstimulation they bring.

My husband knew I needed a break from the kids when he got home from work. When he got home, the kids were all his. I did whatever I needed to do - go to another room, get out of the house, whatever. The important thing to remember is that these stages do not last long, and as the kids become more independent, it gets easier.

I homeschool my kids, so I still see them all day long. Now that they are teenagers, we are often all doing our own separate things. If they had been in school, I would have had plenty of quiet alone time working from home as I do.

If I worked at a workplace and not from home, I would not feel like I was getting enough alone time because of the stimulation of being with coworkers (and customers/clients) all day long. One of the reasons I have made the job choices I have is because I know myself and what I like.

Being home with the kids is better than being at a workplace, too. I've heard a lot of women say that, and I agree. I did have to make sure I stimulated my mind and do things that I enjoy (special interests). My husband helped make sure I had time for things like that. I worked *less* when my kids were younger, but I still worked from home.

Men need to have "man caves", sometimes, why can't you have a woman "cave"? You could devise a system where you hang a sign on the door----if it's on the green side, it means you're just piddling-around, and it's okay to knock first, and then enter----if it's on the red side, don't bother you, for ANY reason, unless the house is afire, of course; or, you could just leave the door open, or closed.

The OP made a very important point: the more you're alone, the more you'll need to be alone. Personally, I think it's better if you try socializing more----that way, it'll become easier / less tiring, for you, no.1; and, no.2, you'll not be such a BEAR about "alone time". Don't get me wrong, it's good for us Aspies to have "alone time", cuz we need to recharge.

Another point that was made by several OPs, was you DEFINITELY need to consider children. I know you said that neither of you are ready, BUT there ARE "accidents". If you can't handle ONE person, how're you going to handle TWO----or, MORE?? Also, children are WAY MORE demanding than a spouse----of course, children can be conditioned more easily than a spouse. There is a flip-side, though.... some women think having children is WAY MORE tolerable than having a spouse----maybe because it's easier to understand that a child needs "whatever" because they don't know any better, but we expect more / better behavior from an adult.

Good luck!!

Cat

Some people try making a schedule and it seems to work for them and their relationship, on this and this and this day we will make time to spend together and do things together, and this this and that day we can go off and spend meme alone time or what ever.

And as was mentioned, the cave, if you have a garage or shop the men can run off too lots of men enjoy doing just that, going out to tinker or work on fixing things, that could help you get him out of your hair more often and for long whiles and you can let him think or feel its his idea. heck i wish I had one (I live in apartments), if I had a tinker shop you would be complaining because of having to drag me out of it.

Last edited by AspergianMutantt on 31 Jul 2014, 10:36 am, edited 2 times in total.

My wife is quite understanding of my need to spend time alone; or if not alone to be uncommunicative. She does complain sometimes that I don't talk much to her but then I don't talk much full stop. She complains I spend too much time on my computer too. However, I try to make it up to her in other ways. If she wants to go out somewhere together I just do it for her sake and with no argument or fuss - it can be very difficult to break out of my routine but it needs to be done - a little give and take is necessary in marriage. Thankfully my wife is something of a loner too and I don't think the marriage would have worked if she had a constant need to socialise.

My mother has a sewing/quilting/craft room. I think married couples learn to give each other space.

Having time alone also gives them more to talk about when they are together. Too much time together can kill a relationship because you are always experiencing things together.

I agree with some of the things watesfalls said wholeheartedly. In fact, it's rather like she took some thoughts from my head and organized them for me, albeit I personally see not one whit of difference on who is what sex or gender.

Getting more into what waterfalls was talking about, I definitely do find that people 'get used to each other'. I've had 1 7 year long relationship where we cohabited, and am currently in another cohabiting relationship, albeit it's only a few months old. It is alarming and actually can be upsetting at how 'used to' my previous partner I was. Because when you're used to them you take for granted all the things that you love about the person, because they're just...there, around.

That said though, I have a lot of different things to talk about that waterfalls too.

Firstly, I don't think I have an ASD but I've definitely mulled it over in my head A LOT. Secondly, I know I am emotionally volatile fairly often. Thirdly, the way I have acted and been, when comparing my current relationship to my one of 7 years, -I- am quite different in what I want and my reactions.

7 year relationship: My previous 7 year cohabiting partner did not have an asd. He had very bad social anxiety, but that's not the same thing. I needed alone time in that relationship so that I could have emotional meltdowns on my own. I also got a lot of alone time; he worked 9-5, my work schedule, when I was working which was probably less than half the time we lived together, was all over the place. He was my best friend. I got used to him being around very quickly. I don't think he got as used to me being around nearly as fast though.

Current relationship: Partner has an ASD. I left my previous relationship for this one. I've never been so in love with someone. I entered into this relationship being explicitly told he needs alone time. I knew this would be hard for me because even though above I said I like alone time, I consider myself a clingy person the rest of the time. We're both homebodies. It was long distance at first so when we first met in person, I stayed at his place for 2 weeks (was going to be 1 week at first, largely because of worry that he would need a lot of downtime), where I experienced first-hand that he needed alone time.
But now, 4 months into living together, he doesn't need alone time. I mean, he needs time to himself while he's doing his own things, but I'm more often than not in the room and we'll chat about what we're doing and stuff, if we want.

So what's the difference? Well, some of it, firstly, is that people DO get used to each other. Secondly though, is that neither of us generally feel like isolating ourselves from each other. Our dynamic is such that now when I get emotional, I want to turn to him for help. I -want- him to touch me and hug me unless I'm feeling angry. I didn't want that from my previous partner, because when my previous partner would do it, it wasn't comforting. I hid parts of myself from my partner of 7 years. As to why my current partner, who has an ASD remember, doesn't need alone time as much anymore, is because he's comfortable around me. He's noted to me multiple times that he's never been as comfortable around a person as he has with me, even compared to his past relationships where he loved someone. He claims he doesn't have to worry about acting socially appropriately around me. He doesn't...expend effort and energy to be around me like I'm another person, so he therefore doesn't need downtime away from being with me. And when he does need downtime from being social with other people, I can be around for that. This is a part of why he loves me.

I loved and lived with someone for 7 years and not felt as close or as comfortable being myself with, as I do with my current partner. Why? Because I wasn't really aware that I was holding back, because how I loved him was not how I love my current partner. I honestly did not know that a relationship could be what I have until now. It's like...if I'd found out that I was red/green colorblind but only because someone fixed it for me and suddenly I could see both red and green. Well, maybe not quite -that- astounding, but it's honestly a very close an analogy.

My current life experience, if it applies to you at all and I know it could very well not, makes me wonder if he's right for you. If he were, then you wouldn't feel uncomfortable around him such that you would worry that you wouldn't get enough alone time. Like, if he's right for you, you should want him to know what you're like when you're alone. You should want to bring him into that space. Even if that space is simply 'I just need to lie down'.

Unless you mean alone time as....time where ideally you just want to be put in sensory deprivation for a bit that is not induced by your partner but rather induced by life in general. (My partner seems to only have touch oversensitities...although he has yet to turn down hugs from me and says he always wants them) However, that's not what you've said you need in terms of alone time.

Hey, the same idea http://www.blaghag.com/2011/07/my-day-with-mensa.html seems to work for Mensa Annual Gatherings:

What if I don't want to socialise more? I often feel like I get too much social interaction nowadays. I'm a student and when I've spent a day at university I'm really tired and just want to be alone most of the time.



By "alone time" I mean time when I can be completely by myself. No noise I can't control. No touch. No people. Time when I can just read without being interrupted. Time when I can talk to myself and process things that have happened during the day. Time when I can just be alone and think.

I'm not sure I understand why my boyfriend wouldn't be right for me just because I need the kind of alone time that I described above. It has nothing to do with him. Not at all. It's all about time to recharge, recover, think and spend time with my interests. Uninterrupted. It doesn't matter if I live with my boyfriend, a friend or my family. I need that alone time.

Do you know what I mean?

My husband needs to be around people ALL THE TIME especially me. But when he saw how much that was hurting me he figured out that he needed to give me the time and space I needed. It took over a decade of marriage for him to figure it out but when he started giving me time and space he noticed how much more relaxed and productive I was able to be. He also noticed that I was a lot less on edge and much better to help him with whatever he needed help with. It takes a long time to figure out the balance but hang in there because you are both worth it.

A lot of people need time to "unwind" from their day. That is normal. And to need to unwind alone in peace and quiet is normal, too. The amount of time you need to unwind and recharge might vary depending on what else is going on in life. School was pretty stressful for me, with all the stuff to keep track of and places to go. Married life "settled" better for me.

As others have stated, you two will figure out how much alone time you both need and learn to give it to one another. Marriage requires some sacrifice on behalf of both people. You may need to give him more time together at points, and he will need to give you more alone time at points. It is not a static thing. You both will continue to grow and change. The question is: are you committed to each other no matter what?