Are you annoyed by hasty self-diagnosing relatives?

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After I was diagnosed with asperger's a year ago, my therapist was explaining my condition to my mom, she then suggested to the therapist that my brother has it "worse" than I do, and she relayed that notion to my brother. I suspect she was referring to some black or white thinking, poor reading problems, and some lifelong behavioral/oppositional problems between him and his parents; I listen to her talk about aspergers and by no means does she have a complete understanding of aspergers. If my brother has a shadow of aspergers, it is the kind of shadow you see on a cloudy day, my brother has always had a very active social life, a very healthy and desirable social life by most, and considered one of the funniest people by his peers (intentionally funny); he is the poster-child of ADHD, most of the symptoms describe him, and if you asked one of his friends what one of his special interests were, none of them could tell you.

Ok, so since my brother got this notion from my mother, he has basically assumed the role of a life-long aspie: for the past year, he has been oozing out with aspergers allusions in describing himself and his thoughts, all of which never seem to cross his mind a year ago.. He'll say "I just don't get why people do that, it's not logical", or "I can relate to what you're feeling...I have trouble saying hi to people", or he'll tell someone "I'd like to go into Law, it's just black and white". He awkwardly and blatantly tries to re-word his sentences formally and pedantically, and reaches for anecdotes that suggest he has exceptional memory. He's had more recent incidents with his temper than ever before, he brings up stories of him threatening to beat up a friend who was saying something annoying, or verbally abusing someone who was getting on his case for not raking up a sand trap, and most recently, refusing to take a breathalyzer test...he got this notion from watching Jobs that people with aspergers are ticking time bombs who have a nack for exploding on people (I'm referring to the character played by Ashton Kutcher who frequently threw temper tantrums) and clearly all that has done is subject him to placebo effect and enable him give up control of his emotions, especially when he's drinking. The kicker is that he never picked up Tony Attwood's book, never brought it up to his psychiatrist, and seems to conveniently forget his ADHD diagnosis, which would probably not change since he appears to be the person described in Driven to Distraction. The most direct remark he made is that he has a milder case than I do; to an extent it's true, but he's acting as if we're talking about comparing a 7 to an 8, it's more like a 3 to an 8.

It bothers me that he so committed to being lumped in the same boat, to assume the same difficulties, to always say "we're different than most people, they don't get the things we do", or to just fulfill this soothing idea that aspergers is just who he is and his shortcomings (some invented by him recently) are what they are, almost saying it's ok to be a hothead who overly demanding . In the early part of my diagnosis, I noticed Attwood mentioned some respect that recently diagnose aspies get from others when they understand the nature of their social struggles, but instead he chose to give them to himself too, so he has basically denied the little respect I was expecting following the diagnosis. He has his own issues, but they are not mine, they are completely different, and he will not be satisfied until a friend tells him "I think you have aspergers" and he goes on to tell all his friends; and everyone calls us "the aspie brothers". That seems to be what he is craving through his words and actions; which would naturally be less risky than being told "no" by an expert and taking responsibility for his deliberate shortcomings. It also bothers me that people who do this make aspergers look like a joke condition, like one of those extremely idiosyncratic disorders that would make you roll your eyes when someone calls them self a victim of it. I heard the advise that "it's just best to let him be ignorant and forget about it", I heard it and listened to it...but these damn allusions won't go away, and it has not stopped annoying me; I mean, who would not be annoyed by having a NT say "Hey, I have it too ya know!"

Dude, it's likely he does have it. Who would want this? No one knows what my special interests are either.

AsPe, the issue is that he always tried to get attention from my parents because I was getting most of for my developmental problems; he's afraid that it will happen all over again. We both grew up with ADHD diagnosis, and it was brought up in a negative light that left a huge dent on our respective self-esteem growing up, from our point of view, aspergers has more positive connotations to it, and while I would never choose to inherit the difficulties I had, being "stuck" with the ADHD label would not have felt good following a negative AS diagnosis, the same is true with him. In any case, a lack of a special interest was one bullet point; even if he revealed a special interest, his social skills, which I grew up watching, would almost certainly be a deal breaker in any aspergers diagnosis; he has also taken on the role of "socially awkward" victim because it applies to aspergers, not him.

I don't have any siblings and I don't speak much with close relatives, so I wouldn't know exactly how this feels, but holy f**k that sounds annoying. Honestly, people doing these sorts of things really make one feel like ones diagnosis is being devalued or even mocked. It's just... ugh. I kind of have a lot of negative connotations held out for people who "self diagnose" and then live out that diagnosis just to make themselves feel better, even if it's incorrect for the most part.

I also feel you with the ADHD "negative lights". I blocked out much of my childhood because of all the negative sh*t that went down with cruel psychologists, numerous (very harmful and useless) medications, and all of it centered around a label that some people self diagnose themselves with just to seem "cool" and ""quirky"". Who wants to be called ADHD? Why do people do this?? I'm actually getting way too frustrated over this for my own good right now. hahah ahhh. it's just really f**king gross, man. Thankfully I was able to "train" my brain out of all my ADHD things, or else I just never had it, and if only I had seen psycho-whatevers who knew what the hell they were talking about. AS can mimic so many different things, but a trained professional can spot this trend easily.

////inhales.
I think I'm vicariously feeling your completely understandable frustrations and anger over these matters. Sorry you have to deal with such bulls**t, and hopefully he grows out of his "special little snowflake" phase. Also apologies if I'm seeming too vindictive over these matters. Perhaps he /does/ have a bit of AS. It could be likely, seeing as how it's in the family genetics. Either way, he really should learn that having a mental "disorder" (I don't enjoy that word but whatever) is not something to play pretend with or exacerbate just to be "unique", and it's certainly not something to suddenly grab up and wear as a cute little badge of honor. It's like if I publicly wore an award solely given to U.S. Veterans or something, just because I wanted to be soldier and I thought it was cool and I wanted "mommy and daddy" to notice me more and pet me for my differences/achievements. Definitely not cool, completely childish, and unfathomably disrespectful.

I'm just going to cut myself off here because otherwise I'll go on forever, and honestly I just get wayyy too riled up over things like this. :/

Actually, before I go to chill off (apologies for any offense given, once again. not chill of me),

sounds exactly like an AS ex of mine. Fascinating.

I don't know if he is a faker/wannabee but at some point there needs to be a really difficult talk between you and these people because holding in your feelings about this right or wrong is damaging you. Print out your post and show them. I would not tell them it is from here because you and us do not want them here if he is a wannabee

You have no right to question his personal judgement, as you aren't living in his skin. Certainly many of us are self-diagnosed too. Many of us adapt and show apparent social skills. So what if he wants attention from parents, is that so wrong? Are you in competition?

What I am getting out of the OP is his brother is acting worse after he found out about AS so he is being Asperger's now than himself and trying to be the label. I have never dealt with anyone in my family like this but I knew at least one person online who got worse after reading about it and decided he had it so he acted worse and it killed our friendship and he harassed me because he wouldn't leave me alone but a bunch of people had problems with this guy. He had problems alright and it wasn't autism. I just wished someone warned me but I may have less likely listened since he was a friend and then he started to change slowly and then it got to a point where it was hard to get rid of him because he had all these different screen names and ignoring him would turn into "You're making fun of me." So yeah I think he faked it because he wasn't this way before the label and then my feelings didn't matter anymore and how he acted. "I have Asperger's."

Then finally he left me alone, gave up and would IM me occasionally like once or every other year. Now that I don't use AIM, I have never heard from him at all and never will. For some reason he doesn't try to contact me on YIM and I don't know how many times I have blocked him on there too. I don't accept any friends requests unless we were talking online first because then I am expecting them to add me as a friend. I never post my email online or make it public so I always assume it's IM bots because I got tired of them. So if he has tried adding me as a friend, I never accept the friend request.

AsPe, I am saying someone who self-diagnosed, who admittedly never picked up a book on aspergers, is much less likely to have a well informed opinion on whether or not he or she has it, than a self diagnoser who did. Someone who blatantly makes an effort to project himself as someone with aspergers; immediately following a diagnosis and for a prolonged period, is much less likely to have a legitimate self diagnosis than someone who acts the same following the diagnosis. I can talk about rights till I'm blue in the face, but that doesn't mean instances like these don't have a negative impact on the impression of autism, let alone some frustration among those who were committed to knowing what it is. Did you see all the parodies of ADHD in sitcoms in the late 90s, the stereotypical paranoid parents who would have their children assessed, the children testing positive because they couldn't pay attention to a reading of a college level book, and run to the pharmacy to pick up their ridalin prescriptions? It was indeed an overdiagnosed condition, and consequently the media projected that this is how it works in every diagnosis. Society basically assumed the right to question the judgement of ADHDers and the legitimacy of any diagnosis; ask anyone black, latino, or from a rural background, and most will tell you ADHD is just an excuse for lazy white kids. I personally recommend to others to opt for a professional opinion, but I respect the assesment of a non-proffesional if he or she takes advantage of the basic learning resources when they're aware of it.