My life with aspergers. Please read.

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Hello everybody. Last time I posted all I said was hello so now I'm a talk about myself a little. My name is Justin. I am 18 and I have ADHD and Aspergers. I'm not sure when I was diagnose with ADHD and Aspergers but I can go all the way back to the 3rd grade when I was showing symptoms for both. Growing up was I guess different for me. I had family. I didn't have friends. I wasn't a bad kid. In fact, growing up I was a nice, friendly, funny, smart, sweet, loving child. Growing up I was the only child. I'm not anymore but growing up I was. I knew at a very young age that I was different and because I was different, that's when I started to get bullied and people made fun of me everyday because of it and I had a lisp. The bullying and people talking about me kind of stop like in high school but growing up it was kind of hard. For a long time I never understood why this nice, friendly, funny, smart, sweet, loving boy can't get friends. Since I couldn't get friends growing up I started playing video games. I swear if it wasn't for family and video games I don't know where I would be in life. People over the years told me that they don't like me and I'm like why. I swear my whole life I feel like that kid that sits with the other kids in the cafeteria and then the other kids gets up and go to another table, leaving that one kid alone. Imagine you being treated like that your whole life. That's how I feel. At one point time in my life I was angry with myself because I couldn't do what other people could do. Things like getting girls. Heck I'm 18 and I never had a girlfriend. I even lied about having a girlfriend because at the high school that I went to, not everybody but a lot of people would judge you and treat you like crap or talk about you constantly. I basically lied about some stuff just so I don't feel that pain again. Sometimes I wish I was normal, well I should say neurotypical, then again, I'm glad that I have Aspergers and ADHD because I'm different.

I hear you. You have described my own life and how I felt growing up to a great extent.

The same for me. And not much has changed even now.

I have read your post --the thing that struck me was the question you asked regarding why (to paraphrase) such a sweet, kind and loving person remains alone or with few friends.

I learned something tonight from a book that helps with practical social skills for people with Aspergers.

Because I did not know how to correctly categorize the level of social contact with people in my life, I either shared too much (with people who are "aquaintances") or too little (with people who were "close friends") as well as have made the huge mistake of placing higher expectations for truth-telling and fidelity upon people who are really just acquaintances.

So, the result is no friends.

I never could figure out (and I am a very old lady) why I remained alone -- I think it has less to do with my qualities and more to do with my inability to gauge correct social involvement.

So, it is not me, per se, it is simply my tendancy to look at people through a really rough lens that needs to be polished (with skills) in order to see others and my "relationship" to them more clearly.

The same was true for me as well when I was growing up. I have been bullied a lot in elementary and middle school and had trouble making friends. Fifth grade was the worst for me. Everyone was making fun of me and I had pretty much zero friends at school, although I did have a few friends outside of school (that's what kept me going). I always wondered why people treated me like that but I never believed that I did anything to deserve such treatment. It was a horrible experience and it left some serious emotional scars that I live with today, and the worst thing was that everybody knew that I was different and I had to live with the label. Everybody at school knew me as the weird girl that everybody made fun of.
Middle school was hard as well, but high school became easier. I'm glad that most kids became more mature when they get older and realized that it's wrong to make fun of people. I think that things are better for me now but sometimes I have social anxiety issues because I'm used to being made fun of and not being accepted. So I'm very distrustful of most people unless I know them very well.
One of the biggest problems in my life is that I also suffer from serious ocd and it really makes my life terrible (as if having Asperger Syndrome isn't enough). People who don't suffer from asd and ocd don't really know what it's like but I think that a lot of people on this forum can relate. Sometimes I have anxiety attacks that are so bad that I wish I would just drop dead.
To sum everything up, I have a hard life. I hope I don't sound whiny.

sadaspie You don't sound whiny. I'm glad you understand as well as others understand because I thought I was the only person that was going through these type of problems. Life was and still hard for me. I'm still trying though.

Alot of us have a very similar backstory. Gaming and hiding behind the computer is pretty much shielding you from real life so you can be in your own safe reality.

Do not worry about the girlfriend part. I had my first girlfriend when i was 20 (almost 27 now ) and had about 6 girlfriends thereafter. I just wasnt interested in sex and relationships until i got a bit older, maybe because i got beaten alot by girls.

I see alot of people stick to their ideals from puberty.. like Girls who want to become a model, marry some rich guy or they want to get a job where they know they are hot. Some even succeed in that.. how boring. What i am trying to say is, you need to drop that mentality of 'anyone leaving highschool while being a virgin is a loser'. Drop ideals from puberty all together, because it mostly consists of mental diarrhea what other people want you to believe is cool. Things will get better.

Ya! You missed out on all the good stuff of being in school. but look at all the bad stuff that you where able to avoid. Drugs , alcohol, running a-foul with the law, etc. And speaking of girls. Most guys want sex at first sight. If you don't screw your girl, you ain't cool. And what happen if you have an unwanted pregnancy? You'll have a kid that more then likely never grow up with a dad and you will find yourself making child support payments. Did you know that a simple cigarette habit can cost you $300-$800 a month? What you don't know is that "fitting in" can have long term consequences.

The moral of this is. I did some research on some of my old school bullies and found that 95% of them are ether in jail/prison, paying fines/child support and/or dealing with addictions. one of my old bullies is now doing 35 years in prison for running over an elderly lady while drunk driving. Hope this puts things into perspective.

Very good sum up of highschool. Alot of the females on my classes got pregnant early and are now single and 'happy' ( ) Some get no financial support from the biological father either.

Alot of guys got criminal records and no longer can get well paid jobs at the goverments and did drugs. Some are 26 like me and still hang in their teenage ideals that acting like a criminal and beating people to death when going out makes you really cool.

Sometimes when i look around on dating websites and i see a girl with a small kid and i read that they like challenges in life, my hands start to itch. I just WANT to write to them "Hey, i got a challenge for you : Have a kid and be together with the biological father for atleast 20 years, you know, stuff that was considered normal 30 years ago. I also want to send them the 'leave school without getting pregnant' challenge, but they already failed at that.

What you described is a dominant memory of my childhood.

I come home, people bully and avoid me, teachers and counselors or whoever are helpless to stop it, parents complain that I'm trouble or too sensitive, but I would ask my sister or my brother for a hug and they would hug me until I feel better.

I wish they would still do that.

So unfortunate that so many of us had to go through that, and sometimes its hard to move on. From time to time I still get flashbacks of what I went through when I was younger and it still makes me upset. If I was talking about all of this with "neurotypical" people they probably wouldn't understand, they would tell me to just get over it and stop thinking negative thoughts and stop living in the past. I'm glad I don't sound whiny on here.

Yup, the typical childhood of the AS people, mine included.

Some people on here experienced all that, and didn't even have their family to support them, so you do have something to be grateful for in that regard at least.

Luckily you caught it early, and there is more information out there now for how to thrive as an AS young adult that ever before.

Most of what comes to mind is literature and articles, even some written by AS people.

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Suncatcher wrote:

In a way, I'm not really worried about the whole getting a girlfriend thing but then again I am. Getting a girlfriend is actually one of my least concerns. Now I guess since I'm 18 a lot of people would tell me don't worry about that which is something that I really don't worry about. Its just that, I guess I have my days. Sometimes I have days when I notice that I feel so lonely inside and it sometimes bother me. I think being in a relationship would help me in some ways. I personally think anybody in a relationship, whether they are on the autism spectrum or not, helps them in some ways. I think I would be more happy right now if I did have a girlfriend and also I just want to say that I'm not worried about sex because I don't care about that. All I would care about is being in a relationship. I never had that mentality of 'leaving high school while being a virgin is a loser.' If I did had that mentality I drop that mentality a long time ago, like years ago. Anyway about me getting a girlfriend. Like I said I'm not worried about getting a girlfriend. I just think in a way it would help and I would be a little more happy.

I can tell you from experience that a girlfriend will not 'help' you in anyway.

When it comes to dating, i 'act' silly.. (like Q from star trek, i just try to make them laugh and like me)
There's about 60% chance of succeeding and to get them into bed.. but you see, when i actually am in a relationship i am pretty happy when i have to drive home after a weekend because i need to recharge my mental batteries for a few days. My mom always says i grumble alot after i got home again. says something right?

I also get extremely annoyed when girls call me for no other reason other than to hear my voice. I have no idea how to smalltalk and have small conversationships where there is absolutely no point in it, other than to hear how their boring day was.

What also happens is that after a few months, relationships tend to end quickly because of bad and very awkwardcomments. One time, i wanted to tell a girl she is really special to me, but she thought i said something else. "My colleagues think you are just average looking but to me.." You think i am average! Man, that was rough..

These shortlasted relationships usually consists of 8 weeks, 3 times a day sex and then you NEED to bring something else to the table. I see alot of people here having difficulties getting a girlfriend. That is not my problem, my problem is that it has become very hard to keep them - same with regular friendships- People seem to come and go every 6 months which is really sad.

I also seem to be a magnet to mentally unstable woman (borderline, anxiety disorders.. etc) which doesnt help much either

I forgot to add some things.

I have been asking myself the question alot lately, How on earth am i going to be able to sustain a relationship if i cannot even sustain a friendship?

With regular friendships, i've had a whole lot of people come and go in my life and it always ended with trouble. Sometimes i would go over the borderline between friendship <->relationship with a female friend, not in the sense of sex or anything in that direction, but i would start heavy discussions that only her boyfriend should have with her, like.. i found it VERY annoying when she was constantly replying to men who were sending her messages "I wonder if you are still as beautiful as 5 years ago, wanna meet up?" When it was clear there was something sexual to it. I hate it when girls 'check' if they are still in the market.. got me in alot of trouble.

I've had a friendship for 1.5 year now ( longest period ever!) with a girl. I guess i broke my records because of constant trial & error.. We are still human afterall, always adapting.. updating our social firmware but always remain one or two steps behind. i guess only visiting her once every 4 weeks on average and sending a message a few times a week seem to be normal and dont get people fustrated.

Relationships are still troublesome for me. I really do need to recharge mentally for a few days after every visit.. and sometimes i still say offensive stuff even when i dont even know it IS offensive.
i kinda struggle with the idea that it is normal these days to move in with eachother after about half a year to a year. How am i gonna 'recharge' when we start living together?!