Please describe the scenario when you are trying to fit in.

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If you are a teen or adult please describe what things occur when you get invited somewhere with "cool" NT people and by this, I mainly mean how do people respond to you?

Is there a recurring theme? Do you have depression because you always screw up and cannot understand why you keep getting rejected?

It depends on who you define as cool.

It can be whatever your definition of cool is, which is why it is in quotation.

For me this means people who are outgoing, have lots of friends and social contacts, and who people seem to like and gravitate towards.

My personal experience with this has been extreme anxiety upon meeting everyone, followed by copious amounts of alcohol and finally blacking out.

I get encouraged by the cool people to approach others, mingle and not cling to the group but I end up too afraid to. Now when I get invited out I stay home. These people aren't actually my friends anyway, they are my sisters. I know they don't really want me around ruining everything.

Why?

I want to know if I'm incurable, if I can be less weird.

I will sum it up in two words. "stage fright". Now that I know I have AS and cannot read body language. I approach social situation with a lot more care and caution then I have in the past and even though I can't read the body language. I am aware of it being there and can approach a social situation with a much more relaxed state of mind. But to answer you question. Before I know I has AS. I would approach a social situation with fear, caution, anxiety, distrust and uncertainty and that only got worse with each failed social event.

Last edited by LupaLuna on 09 Aug 2014, 5:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

To have success with NT people you need to learn social skills.

It is actually quite simple when you know what is about - before you know that, it is not!

Having social skills is a matter of being a good leader. Knowing what is best for the group.

This is important. Instead of thinking "what is best for me", you need to think "what is best for the group".

The "standard" AS-thinking is "what is best for me". This is why we are deemed self-centered in the diagnostic criteria.

So you have to change from that to the NT thinking: "What is best for the group".

Then you need to learn social hierarchies and social status. Those with higher social status are of more importance than those with lower social status. By "more important" is meant "being more in charge".

All NT "play" is eventually a matter of deciding who should be in charge. Those most in charge get access to the hottest chicks. So it is basically a competition about access to the best possible partners to have kids with.

I don't go out of my way to sell out to try to "fit in" with the cool crowd. I'm no longer in high school where popularity matters. However when I did in school I was nervous which 99% led to rejection because I was seen as being "different" and the cool crowd didn't want to be seen with a (insert noun here).

I would also feel quite high anxiety before going to a party or grouping, but in terms of being invited I really don't want to be and will usually look for any excuse not to go, I just find it stressful, and I don't like big groups of people.

even people I like a lot and feel comfortable with I tend to want to back out unless there is only 2 or 3 people, any more and I don't like it much, unless its a sleep over situation, which I used to have when I was younger, nothing too unexpected will happen because you are just at someone's house but at big gatherings where you go places its quite unpredictable.

as for how people respond to me, I am not sure, I am quite open with my anxiety, so perhaps I tend to be left with myself a bit more, but I am always with one or two people in the group, I only mix with those one or two while I am in the big group though, I cant talk in a group.

I once had a panic attack in front of most of my year on a school trip, they actually reacted with concern, it surprised me quite a lot but no one really ridiculed me, it made me think that with even people that are mean there seems to be some sort of moral line that most don't cross. no one mentioned it again either when we got back to school, I was really quite touched by that.

Last edited by franknfurter on 09 Aug 2014, 5:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I never try to fit in. If people can't accept me how I am, tough.

Depend on whether you are the "fish" or the "water". REMEMBER: fish aren't good for the water but water is good for the fish.

I haven't done this in years... I was mostly alone in uni or in a student club, in which case it wasn't just "being invited somewhere and hanging out" and these people knew about my diagnosis.

Dude... What kind of people are you hanging out with? They sound like jerks. Friends should treat each other equally, and make decisions together, not boss each other around. That's what being in a "group" is all about.

Especially if just a couple guys in your group are "getting all the girls". That's so not cool.

When I'm invited somewhere I'm encouraged to go because it will be "good for me".
I dispute this.
I don't see how the elevated levels of anxiety and stress can possibly be "good for me".
I usually don't say much, feel awkward because I don't know how to stand or sit so I feel relaxed and I can't follow the conversation. I also don't know when it's polite to leave so I end up staying until the end.
When I get home I'm exhausted. I feel like I've been through a harrowing ordeal.
Next day everyone's saying what a "fun evening" it was.
NT's have NO IDEA what we go through.
I liken the evening to an interrogation or sitting an important test where you can't figure out the answers. Now that's FUN!! !! Not.
And that's why I avoid social occasions.
If I'm to be a reject, I would rather be a self-appointed one.

This has never happened.

I'm not really trying to fit in.
Usually during social gatherings I just sit near the table,eat whatever looks tasty (I am slim so it is OK) and stay silent. This way, even if someone ask me a question I have time to think about the answer because I have to swallow first.
Other than that I listen to what is being said and if I hear something interesting I tell about it. Sometimes I unintentionally start an argue. Especially if someone tells a BS about something that is or was my interest. I have to make it right no matter what.
And when I get tired I just take my cellphone out and browse Internet.

Everything changes when there is a child 1-5 years old or a pet around. All adults/teenagers disappear from my mind and I don't listen the conversation anymore. I stick to the small being and play with it till it is time to leave.

I don't really realize how people respond to me. One of my uncles does say some mean about to me sometimes but I don't care. He is always like that and I know how to deal with it. I just laugh and say "Yeah, right" or send him a blank stare and he shuts up.
Other people either don't care or I am oblivious to their reactions.
However recently I got a funny reaction. I was eating a salad that was bland for me (I am hyposensitive to taste) so I covered it with vinegar. Some people commented it, my mom explained "She is always like this, just leave her alone". Then a woman asked me why I do it. I told her its because the salad is tasteless to me and I like the taste of vinegar. Then the woman told me she doesn't like the kind of salad too because it is always bland to her but she never tried it with vinegar. And she got some for her and spiced it with vinegar too. "You are right! That's tasty now!" - she said.