How do you handle friendships?

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Having friends in real life was overwhelming most of the time. I felt under immense pressure to entertain and fit in with them. No matter how nice or seemingly accepting I could never be truly natural and carefree. Well, maybe on the rarest blue moon. But I'm not the kind of person who eventually is calm and confident with people. Knowing someone a long time doesn't unlock some magic level of friendship where I'm no longer self-conscious.

So I don't know how to handle friendships in the real world. I'm also at a loss online. For the longest time I've had online friends. They mean a lot to me same as offline friends. Yet there is different problems. While I'm still self-conscious I am able to communicate without being hindered by stuttering. But being able to talk, especially at a relatively fast rate, you run out of things to say. The closer you get to someone the more they want, if not outright expect, to talk to you. Despite the fact you've discussed most obvious topics and still feel a pressure to entertain and fit in.

There's this guy I've talked to for a long time online. We have some similar interests but I feel like we're more and more different as time goes by. Lately he replies to me slower and slower. I'm not upset as he could be busy or maybe he just found other people that are better for him to talk to. But I wonder if I should say goodbye to him. We've had an odd relationship in the sense that it's rarely felt personal. We discuss what we like and rarely broach our own lives. This kind of sounds autistic. However, he actually does well with neurotypicals too. Anyways, while I have enjoyed our friendship, because of the way we talk it's difficult to gauge how he actually thinks about me as a person.

Short version: How do you handle relationships? In real life and online? Do you always feel self-conscious? Are you able to enjoy the other person? Do your friendships feel personal or only based on similar interests? How do you know when to say goodbye to a friend?

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Holding on to friends is a lot like a high-wire balancing act. one false move and you're going down.

Friends, especially in real life, at such high maintenance that if I feel like we're drifting apart as is normal as people pursue different interests and goals, then I just let it.

I always feel self-conscious about my friendships. I think it is actually more of a self esteem thing than any real problem with you, your friend, or your friendship. I tend to cling to the friendships I have. I only "say goodbye" to a friend if they have done something unforgivable, or if they don't respond to my messages. If you send two messages without a reply, or your friend only talks to you when they want something, then it's probably not a good friendship to keep in the long run.

If your friend is acting distant, maybe try asking if everything is alright in their lives. It could just be a personal issue that has nothing to do with you. I'm of the opinion it's always good to talk about things before giving up on someone. At that point, you have nothing to lose anyway. And if your friend is willing to talk to you, then it may strengthen your friendship.

i'd just be blunt and ask what is going on or just give up on it instead of wondering

Apart from my wife, I have only one friend. He's been my friend for about 40 years and is the most genuine person I know. And my wife, being more social than me, struggles with my solitary nature.

I've had other friendships over the years, but I always found the anxiety of friendships a difficult thing. Issues of interpretation, agenda, loyalty, gossip, hurt, selfishness (mine and theirs), expectation and other things have always been one minefield too many.

I have one very good friend who I have known now for around 26 years. As the years have passed though I see her less and less.

I only talk to her now via the net and the thought of seeing her in real life terrifies me. I am not sure I could cope with the level of conversation hugging etc that a meeting would entail.

It is putting a strain on our friendship as she can't get her head around the fact I prefer to stay at home and not surround myself with people. I mean for so many years I faked the fact I could, but it was at huge personal cost to myself.

As I have gotten older I realised that no if I am not comfortable with a situation then I don't have to do it.

I struggle with the same confusion. It's so stressful to try to figure out if its me or them or just a natural lull in the relationship. Just be yourself. If you want to send him a message then do but don't worry if he is slow to reply or doesn't reply at all. If he does stop replying at all then you have your answer and know he wants to end the friendship. I know this is easy advice to give and hard to follow in real life.

What Simplegirlviv and Narrator have said is identical to my life. I have one very long term friend and my immediate family. I communicate with that one friend by phone about once a month and I'm fine with that. I have seen her twice in thirty years and it is fun but then she is a very social person and can adapt to anyone. I have such a fear of intruding on someone else's life. I also say the wrong thing too often, not intentionally of course.

have no friends anymore. Every so often I manage to make the odd one here or there, but it never lasts. Usually by the end of the year I'm back to zero.

Wanting a friend does not last long for me...being social a bit, not anxiety.

The friends I have had were always people who have reached out to be my friend, and I appreciated their friendship. But they were not lasting friendships.

It has happened to me twice that women who have befriended me turned out to have a romantic interest in me.
It took me by surprise. I am not attracted to women and I felt hurt and betrayed because I thought they wanted to be my friend.
Maybe it is my fault because I do not read signals well.

I think most people don't like goodbyes and would rather just let things fade out slowly. That has always annoyed me. I hate to be left wondering what happened, and it makes me want to confront the person to get an answer. I used to try to find out what was going on with those people or get them to talk more but now I just don't bother. It's not worth it. I just let them go. I hate being in a situation where I feel like I'm making all the effort.

And unless a person is dying, or tending to a dying relative or something equally important, there is no excuse for ignoring someone, or for dragging things out. I don't want to hear flimsy excuses about being busy, or that they were thinking about me. People who really care about you won't leave you hanging. They will want to know how you're doing and actively seek you out.

If I don't hear from someone for awhile or we don't talk regularly then I just don't think of them as a friend anymore. I have found out that other people see it differently and assumed we were still friends long after I had written them off and gave up on it.