Awareness of your Aspergers

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I would like to know if any older adults on here, who lived a great portion of their lives undiagnosed, and did not want to become aware of the source of their struggles? I am dating someone who clearly has Aspergers, and is not diagnosed or aware of his condition. He has admitted to be that he knows he is different, but has not been diagnosed with anything.

I will not go into detail as to why I believe he had Aspergers. Suffice it to say he possesses so many traits it's practically textbook. I've described him in the post 'Help with an Aspie Man' under Love and Dating.

What in trying to say is are there any circumstances where he would not benefit from the self-awareness of a diagnosis? (Even an informal one). He's highly intelligent, so I'm sure he would learn a lot about it. Also, how did you become aware of your Aspergers? What would be the best way to tell him, if I decide to? Thank you....you guys are awesome!

Yep...Tony Attwood did, indeed, write a great book on Asperger's. He portrays Asperger's in a very positive light. He emphasizes their uniqueness and their creativity.

Yup, Tony Attwood's book is great... it's at my local library and I've only been able to borrow it once, ever since then it's been lent out and I put a Hold on it but I'm like 8th in line to get it

I've been tempted to buy my own copy on ebay but can't afford it right now, the shipping is high for a large HC book!

But yeah, if I had not figured out my Aspie-ness on my own, I totally would not have minded someone handing me the book and saying 'here, read this and see if you can relate to any of it'. If someone is relatively open-minded they shouldn't object to that

I have to be the voice of dissent and say that I think I would have minded terribly if someone had handed me that book back when I was unaware this might be my condition. I'll tell you why -- because, even though I'd known very definitely, my whole life, that I was different, exactly as others on this thread have described, and even though I had no idea why and that not-knowing-why caused me massive suffering throughout my life, the problem for me was that when I did finally run across information about Aspergers and recognized myself in it, I felt traumatized. This was about seven years ago.

You would think I'd be relieved in some way, to have an answer. Instead I felt truly, genuinely, deeply shocked. At one and the same time I knew it was "me" -- knew it fit, all the pieces did indeed fall into place -- yet I also felt like something had died. To say I was upset and even ashamed was an understatement.

With NO disrespect to anyone here, I felt like a broken toy confirmed as broken, when I realized it was Asperger's that may be responsible for my struggles. Somehow as long as I'd believed I was "normal but somehow struggling with stuff," there was hope for me, in a sense. And I had spent my life not only knowing I was different but paradoxically believing I'm "normal" or supposed to be, and maybe one day the different stuff will just go away.

When I read about Asperger's it was like the death to that hope. I went into shock and denial for more than a few years. It's only in the last year or so that something changed and I managed to face up to it without the utter horror I had initially felt.

Why horror, denial and resistance?

Because, when you've spent half a lifetime trying to conform and fit in because you didn't even KNOW that you genuinely are different, it's not just your imagination, and you really shouldn't be "trying to conform," it's a shock to realize everything you believed about your potential to get past your struggles was wrong.

It's taken me all these years to accept it as NOT "broken" just different, and now I can move forward understanding myself and better and knowing that my different needs are real and valid.


But it took me YEARS to stop feeling shocked, freaked out, in denial, angry, broken, and as if I were grieving something.

So, just to put my story out there.

This man you're dating may react with relief and gratitude if you hand him Tony Attwood's book and "the penny drops."

OR --- he may react as I did, upset. Recognizing everything and maybe knowing it's true -- but upset. And even pissed off. He might turn that on you.

I hope it goes the other way and he is nothing but relieved, curious and interested. But I post my own reactions just to let you know there is a much more negative reaction a person can have when they first have that "aha" moment.

Proceed with caution when trying to open someone's eyes.

.

I am 63 and found out about why I never was part of the rest of the world - I struggled to learn forever how to be as others but it just wasn't me. I was 48 then and new I was not like others sense the second grade. I still am strange and I still do stupid stuff sometimes but knowing then learning why I am as I am helped me greatly I can not see living in that darkness before knowing me one of the best things that could happen - watching movies that relate to his ways I think are the best and are going to be exaggerated but he hopefully will see himself - my thoughts

Wow, that is a very powerful story Bird. I can relate a bit just having my own suspicions confirmed. It is a bit depressing for me in and for the reasons you say. But, I also have felt that others DID know the word for it, for me, and did not tell me. And this has hurt.

I agree about being careful. But if it is someone you are close to, especially if they are struggling, guiding them gently toward the concept to see if they are interested may be appreciated by them later.

For me, I figured it out on my own first after hearing about a friend's child who was diagnosed and wondering "what's Aspergers?"

Excellent answer, BirdInFlight.

I think it's a good idea to proceed with caution. When my psychiatrist finally said to me, after about a year of seeing him, "I know what your problem is; your autistic." It felt like someone turned on a light in the dark tunnel I'd been trapped in, but I also felt like someone slapped me upside the head very hard. I stopped seeing him not long after that. It took me years to come to terms with being on the spectrum. And, it's only been in the last few years that I've even shared that information with anyone outside my immediate family.

I only just received my formal diagnosis a few months ago. And, I was relieved to get it after all these years. Because now it's part of who I am. But, it took me quite a while to get to that place.

Bird In Flight raises some very very valid points.

My answer to your question is: it depends.

Here are some questions to perhaps explore:

1) Whose needs are paramount here as your motivation? His or yours? What are your core motives?
2) How close are you to him? Do you both discuss your lives openly and honestly? Do you have "conversational" intimacy?
3) How do you see the future of this relationship? Transient? Long term? How important is it to you, and how important to him?
4) What is your conception of Aspergers? A disability? A difference? A mental illness? How do you view it, really?
5) What do you like about him and what do you not like about him. He isn't going to change very much.
6) If you do tell him, are you in a position to educate yourself and provide extensive support if he needs it?

As Bird in Flight pointed out, grief and despair - for wasted time, opportunity, for the life you might have had - are not uncommon reactions, and grief involves denial, anger, sadness, regret, despair, ambivalence, loss - a panoply of strong and difficult emotions. If he has other big challenges going on in his life, like important exams, or whatever, it would be cruel to spring this upon him. And it can take years to resolve the grief (it took me about two years of turmoil and ambivalence before I reached a place of self-acceptance and comfort).

If the person I was in a relationship with, when I realised that I was on the spectrum (and we had been in a relationship for 25 years) - and he had sprung that upon me, I think I would have been shocked, offended, resentful, humiliated and diminished - whether or not I felt what he said was true or not. I would have felt negatively judged by him, and resentful in that he would have had no right to judge me. He was a judgmental person, anyway, and our relationship would have ended there, rather than me ending it as I did another time. (And for reasons completely unrelated to my ASD status).

You could perhaps go and rent a whole lot of DVDs and just happen to have the film "Adam" amongst them - then have some evenings with him watching the DVDs. His response to Adam will probably tell you a lot. And, finally, he may know already, even though you don't think so, and prefer to keep this utterly private. I keep it private apart from the closer members of my family, the ones I love and am loved by.

Truthfully, when I found out I fit the Asperger's description (except for the delayed speech), I felt like I could now account for why I behave the way I do. Why I cannot go up in front of a class and teach a class (I've always wanted to be a teacher---but teaching a class full of kids is overwhelming to me). Why I'm deficient in conveying ideas to people individually. Why I can't seem to shake the "weird" impressions I give people.

I am fortunate that I found this website. Now, I feel somewhat worthy. I believe I've given some good advice to people. It would be nice if I could help someone get a job, help someone graduate school, help someone become independent--despite having an ASD. Despite me having an ASD--despite the person becoming independent/employed/degreed having an ASD.

I believe ASD's, especially in its broadened definition, manifests itself more like a "difference" than a "disease." It presents an alternative way of arriving at the same answers NT's come up with--with that special Aspergian/autistic twist.

I always knew I had "something wrong" with me. I was actually diagnosed with "autism" or "infantile autism" around 1965 or so. This boded a poor prognosis--but my mother didn't believe that diagnosis was true, and she set out to, in essence, "knock" the autism out of me. I remember she was rough with me at times, though I don't know why she was rough with me, or what particular occasions she was rough with me. I'm almost positive she was rough with me, though.

Truly, I never felt having an ASD would prevent me from earning a living. It did prevent me, somewhat, from accomplishing more than what I've accomplished so far.

Yep...BirdinFlight has nice Flight Patterns. She augments the design of the clouds.

1) Whose needs are paramount here as your motivation? His or yours? What are your core motives?
2) How close are you to him? Do you both discuss your lives openly and honestly? Do you have "conversational" intimacy?
3) How do you see the future of this relationship? Transient? Long term? How important is it to you, and how important to him?
4) What is your conception of Aspergers? A disability? A difference? A mental illness? How do you view it, really?
5) What do you like about him and what do you not like about him. He isn't going to change very much.
6) If you do tell him, are you in a position to educate yourself and provide extensive support if he needs it?

I would like to say that my boyfriend is 45 years old. He wants a child with me, yet is utterly clueless about the dynamics of an adult relationship. I love him, and feel like I have a purpose in this life with him, yet am unsure of what that is. To address the above questions:

1. His, I think the insight would help him.
2. We are conversationally intimate, Although I am way more open. He is very closed off and communicates way differently than I do.
3. It is unknown...although I have read that for an Aspie-NT relationship to work, self awareness of the person with AS, and understanding/education for the NT are crucial.
4. I view it as a difference. I have ADD type 3, so I'm wired differently too.
5. I do not like his distance and seeming uncaring approach to me. Then he acts bewildered when I feel this way. For what I like, read 'Help with an Aspie man' in Love and relationships forum.
6. Yes

I am still on the fence with this...

Sitting on fences could be painful LOL---how I love to take things literally...hee hee!! !! !! !! !! !

Man....if I knew a woman like CodeGrey.....sigh!

My wife just thinks that I don't try hard enough LOL

The OP mentioned that she was "on the fence" about the guy--so I took it too literally--and made an Aspie joke about it, since Aspies are supposed to take things too literally.

I wish I would have met a woman like the OP--she is so patient with the guy.

My wife doesn't think I try hard enough--she believes I could overcome my Aspergian symptoms.