Am I being unreasonable?

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Whenever I sit down to have a private conversation with my mother, she doesn't know when to stop pushing. When I say I'm done with it, I mean I am done. Anything that is said beyond that point will be met with aggression and upset. I just can't emotionally take it after I get *there*. My mother takes offense to this and will continue to interject her opinions and prod me for more responses. She'll get upset and outright angry when I stop responding.

I know that my reaction to it all is not appropriate, but am I being unreasonable for wanting her to just respect the fact that the conversation needs to end when I say I'm done? I'm not talking about daily discussions here; I am talking about personal and complicated discussions. She says that it is selfish of me to think that I can be the master decision maker of when and where and how long I'll talk. Except I don't get this part because I am the decision maker of what I will and won't do?

Last edited by calstar2 on 19 Aug 2014, 9:50 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Not at all unreasonable. I love my mother to bits but she does the same thing, not just to me but to all my siblings whenever there's a more serious discussion going on. When I feel like the conversation is done I simply sit quietly and don't encourage her to keep prodding or asking questions and it usually dies down quicker than it would if I keep repeatedly asking her to leave me alone.

I know what you mean: parents believe they have the right to interject their opinions on you while you're "living under their roof."

I had the same experience. The best solution would be to move out so your parents will treat you more like an adult.

Are you going to college/university right now?

If you don't feel the desire to move out, I would try not to react with aggression when this happens. I would just be polite and say: "I would prefer it if we didn't continue this conversation, for we are getting nowhere," or something of that ilk.

What are these "conversations" about, anyway?

I agree, you're not being unreasonable. My family is like that too. My mom is very easy to get along with but my dad has lately been the way you described your mother. Also, I recently visited my grandparents and they were like that as well, trying to force their opinions on me and giving me advice that I don't ask for. Older people often believe they have all the answers in life, so they do this, especially if you go under their roof. Try not to get too upset with your mom, since I'm sure that the main reason she acts like this is because she cares about you. However, you can try to have a talk with her about this when you are both in a better mood.

i wonder how you'd feel if she said the same thing to you while your opinions were half expressed though.

I might be wrong because i dont know the full situation and havent witnessed it myself, but your wish to control the situation would probably mean that you would just get just as upset if she started cutting you off after she's said her part but before you've said yours.

I know you are probably at the lower end of the scale and your situation is no where near as extreme, but you should read this article.

http://drdorothy.info/silence-the-ultim ... r-another/

That's an interesting stance though I really don't see how not trying to scream at a person louder so as to be heard is verbal abuse (strong word there, possibly misused). It is however a control tactic when all forms of meaningful communication have broken down...

I'm not sure I'm entirely following here. Are you addressing the part where I said she gets upset when I stop responding? Me no longer responding usually happens at a point where I'm tracing a pattern on the wall, trying to block out the raised voice, and keeping from crying. This happens a solid amount of time after I repeatedly make efforts to end the discussion. I do not become done with a situation because I am disinterested, but because it has overwhelmed me and that is all I'm going to be able to handle at that given time.

OP, can you say, "I'm overwhelmed. Can we talk about this some more later after I've had a chance to digest what you've said so far?" Silence and shutting down conversations/arguments and leaving the room in my book are some of the *rudest* ways a person can treat me. To me, that diminishes my value as a person by invalidating anything I might have to say. I have a *very* strong urge to say everything I am thinking/feeling because if I don't, I feel like something will linger and fester.

That being said, I also understand that what you are saying is that you feel that your mom is not respecting you by ending the conversation.

It sounds like you both have communication needs that have to be addressed here and compromised on. You need to let your mom say what she has to say, and she needs to do so kind of on your timetable. I think it is appropriate if you ask her to continue later. Or pick another time. I am notorious at bad timing, which is probably the start of many of the arguments I have with my husband. It's not so much what I have to say as when, and if I start addressing something when he's already got something on his mind, things don't go so well. Things go better if I ask, "Is this a good time to address _______?" But, if you are going to get your mom to leave you alone a bit, then you also need to make sure you do allow her the time to speak up on things she feels so strongly about.

I have found heated arguments are rarely about the topic at hand and become arguments about the argument. Discussing the topic at hand goes much better when everyone is back to calm.

if you are upset, it's totally fair to ask for a break from the conversation. some stuff is important to be discussed, but can certainly wait for a better moment. asking for a break is assertive and mature and much preferable to being so upset you do or say things everyone will regret.

Except that my daughter (and my oldest son who is morphing into a teenager presently) only continues discussions if she is being agreed with. I'm aspie and am the parent so I guess I'm qualified to bring a perspective from the other point of view. Lets face a truth here; growing up is not easy on the party who is growing up or the others involved such as parents. I don't have an answer to your situation (referring to OP) but guess I can reasonably suggest exercising patience. Also, there should be no issue with having an emotional breakdown/crackup etc in front of a parent. After all, what are families for and if you show emotion don't you think they might respond with kindness? Let it all out. One major misconception in these family situations (particularly the teenager-parent one) is that they are adversarial and emotion is a sign of defeat. Nothing could be further from the truth. At least not in my family.

Well said, Jabberwokky!

Yeah, I actually suspected that might be the case. That's why I added things about me not being sure of the situation. That article is still semi relevant. It's true that silence is the bad way to do it. Now I realise what your reasons are though.

"In a conflict each person wants something different. However, in a conflict the parties discuss their wants, needs and seek a mutually win/win solution. While seeking the solution; neither party forces, dominates or controls the other.
"
That part is probably more relevant now that you've mentioned the extent to which your mother talks. There's obviously no give and take and it's more of a lecture than a conversation.

I'm sorry I misjudged the situation, although I do think there are still insights into your situation within the wording of that article. She's obviously stepped over into the territory of being verbally abusive. Your way of responding is kinda abusive too. Things clearly have to change with both your attitudes.

She doesn't seem to have much respect for you if she's droning on for so long that you're overwhelmed. She needs to understand that you're not stupid and you understand what she's saying, but you're processing things and doing things at your own pace. She's become overbearing and rather than helping you she's pushing you down and slowing you down. You obviously need space and for her to realise how to let you do things in your own time.

How about asking her to put her thoughts down in writing for the time being so she can get over her opinions in a more concise way?

Actually, you've taken a good step in that you're moving this around in your head and talking about it with others. I suppose you've already taken a few positive steps in that you're genuinely thinking about it. Sometimes that's all you really need to do, spend some time looking at the situation from different angles.

It's hard to answer this without knowing the context. Are you shutting down after a couple of minutes of conversation or half an hour? There is certainly a point at which you are entitled to walk away; when an argument is going nowhere and it's more productive to end it and walk out. But if you're doing it before the other person feels you've even heard them, it's going to be anti-productive. If it's any help, I find that people who have slower minds and need more explanation tend to repeat themselves more because they subconsciously assume that others are just as slow as they are, and they want to be understood. So you could be nodding and saying, "Yeah, I know. I KNOW," but they'll just keep talking at you, thinking you don't REALLY know, you're just pretending to. (When in fact, you got it a few sentences ago). In this case, you need to start practising the important communication technique of REPEATING BACK TO THEM WHAT THEY ARE TRYING TO SAY TO YOU IN YOUR OWN WORDS. That's the only way they will be sure you've well and truly GOT IT. Hope this helps.

What is your mother doing/saying that irritates you so much?

Bringing up situations from the past that are difficult for me while she doesn't have as much of a grasp on them as she believes she does.


To everybody else that has taken the time to reply so far- Thank you for the insight and advice. It has been very helpful.