It feels so strange.

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I had my last assessment session today. We basically only spoke a bit about the ADOS test I took last week (I apparently showed a lot of signs of AS during the test) and some of my fears about faking/exaggerating and getting misdiagnosed etc. The psychologist said I had mentioned those fears in the very beginning of the assessment (which I didn't remember until she told me that) and that she had therefore kept that in mind during the whole time. She said I'm not faking. Anyway, she also said that she's going to speak to another psychologist (some sort of supervisor or whatever) this week. They'll speak about all the things my psychologist has found out during these months and they're going to come to some sort of conclusion together. She said that all the information points towards AS and that she thinks the supervisor will agree as well.

We're meeting up again in two weeks to start going through the results.

I'll probably get a diagnosis and it feels so strange. I don't know what to think or how to feel. I don't know how to process it (and I think I'm writing this post to try to process it all). I don't know if I should feel sad or relieved or both. I don't know how I'm going to react when I get the actual result. I know I'm worried about misdiagnosis but this assessment has been incredibly thorough and it has lasted since the end of March (though we didn't meet up during the last two months due to vacation etc) so perhaps I should stop doubting it all and start accepting it instead (not sure how to do that though).

If I have AS, that means I interpret thoughts and feelings differently than most other people. That metaphorically "blows my mind" a bit. I mean, if my way of thinking is "deviant", how do most other people think? What are their internal worlds like? (I don't actually expect you to answer these questions, I'm just saying that it's difficult to comprehend.)

This whole situation is so strange.

EDIT: I just want to point out that I haven't actually received a diagnosis yet so I can't guarantee that I'll get diagnosed with AS. It is, however, very likely.

Last edited by rebbieh on 26 Aug 2014, 11:39 am, edited 1 time in total.

Although I haven't been diagnosed and have only been screened as having Asperger's Syndrome, my experience is much the same as yours. I felt much the same way as screening test after screening test confirmed and reconfirmed what I hadn't ever suspected in my life. It was a complete accident that I discovered it. So, for me at least, I have been sad about it, angry about it, relieved about and even happy about it. The parts I now hate happen when I realize that an angry outburst or other bad characteristic now has a reason and isn't just "me being me." It is almost as if knowing has stolen my innocence about my behaviors.

But, being happy about it all is my most common emotion now. So, that is good.

Good luck with your diagnosis.

Finding out I am an Aspie brought me great relief, as I now understand why I am the way I am. The frustration of not knowing added to my burden of stress. Also, now that I know, I have been able to do research on coping methods that have helped me deal with different aspects of my condition.

So, AspieUtah, what made you feel better about it? I mean, how'd you go from feeling sad and angry about it to feeling relieved and happy? What changed? Also, why did you feel angry about it at first?

Pretty much the same things. You know, the little goofs or funny characteristics I (we all) have that make me laugh when I show my Aspieness. Also, my characteristics of hyperlexia and systemizing, and my special interests in genealogy, history, law and politics gives me something unique to share with others.

If you don't mind my asking Rebbieh, what was the ADOS test like for you? I took it and thought it was fascinating how so many seemingly irrelevant tasks could tell so much about a person. I now have kind of an obsession with that test.

I actually started a thread about it the other day (I start threads to discuss things so that I can process them, I guess): click here.

Let me know what you think (if you want to).