Struggling With the Concept of Disability

Post Reply New Topic

I'm really having trouble with the term 'disability,' especially when it comes to the possibility of applying that term to myself. It just seems like the term carries so much weight with it; a certain finality to things. By claiming to be disabled it feels like one is establishing a very real barrier or limitation and stating firmly that "I can't" do this or that to some given capacity. It seems like I've been raised in a culture or a society that has a very negative view of disability and/or the disabled. I'd like to think that I don't buy into this, but it's still difficult.

With recent events in my life though I'm beginning to think that I do have a legitimate disability when it comes to socialization and contributing to society through any type of meaningful employment. I question my ability to function without the same supports that I have in place now. Even with those I feel like I'm just barely getting by. I'm 31 and all my attempts to move past my predicament and function 'normally' have been disastrous. I can only maintain the facade for so long before everything comes crashing down once again. I've been constantly told "how intelligent" I am and "how much potential" I have as if these qualities should suffice on their own to allow me to move past the obstacles set in my path.

My struggle is getting past this feeling that if I deem myself disabled I've somehow 'given up' or 'failed.' This feeling that if I am disabled I am somehow 'less.' Though never explicitly stated, the unwritten rule that has been placed before me is that essentially help is only given to those that are able to help themselves. At times it feels like there are all manner of expectations set up for me, by myself, by my parents, by faculty and employers, even by society itself, of who I am supposed to be and what I'm supposed to accomplish. One side of me feels like these expectations are entirely unrealistic to achieve while the other side considers myself a fatalist for even thinking that. Almost as if by claiming I have a disability it would be seen as some kind of 'choice' or even the 'easy way out.'

This has been difficult to write and parts of it still seem like only semi-coherent rambling. I guess I just need to know if anyone else has felt a similar struggle in accepting their own disability or having it be accepted by those around them. What, if anything, has helped you accept your disability as a part of yourself without it being seen, by yourself or otherwise, as some kind of detriment?

Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Looked at one way, disability is just a more serious degree of weakness in some area. If you have ASD problems with socialization are almost a given, and are not caused by anything you did wrong.

But while weaknesses are normally able to be overcome or compensated for, when it is not reasonably possible then it is a disability. Once you have truly made your best effort to overcome it, and failed then it only makes sense to accept to fact and hopefully the assistance that determination will bring.

To keep trying endlessly without success indicates a strong determination, but in the end just means a lot of effort expended without result and can lead to serious frustration.

Btw, I do not mean these terms 'weakness' or 'failure' in the negative sense such as in not trying. I mean them in the clinical sense. Like having weak eyes and failing an eye test. You can stumble around indefinitely or accept it and get a set of glasses.

I don't really look at it as establishing a boundry or limitation, more like recognizing them...Also I think the way society views 'contribution' is really meaningless makes no real sense to me. I mean I am on SSI and am not working due to my aspergers and mental health issues but its not like I don't do anything at all to contribute to anything. Accepting it isn't giving up or failing, you can still try and get help with issues you have and maybe get to a more functional level but in the meantime being dysfunctional and just trying to mask it probably won't do much good.

There is stigma about that sort of thing in society which certainly is not helpful...and gets kind of hard not to buy into any of it when it's all over the place. Also it is certainly not a choice or easy way out, people act like if one has a disability preventing them from work they're on some vacation or something which is ridiculous I have very unpleasant symptoms and even normal job stress would make them even worse...even normal stress during the day can really set things off.

I think Toy_Soldier and Sweetleaf have already phrased it excellently. There really is nothing to be ashamed of; at the same time it's perfectly okay to have the feelings you describe in your post, very understandable. In my own case, while I will always be disabled in several fields of social interaction and communication, I've learned ways to compensate.
Also, you don't have to disclose the specific nature of your disability/disorder to everyone you meet; you can limit it to those where you feel telling them would be useful. More people than you think struggle with some form of greater or lesser disability. I've met several people who are living in protected housing, who are on subsidized special work, or who regularly see a therapist, but you wouldn't guess any of it if you just ran across them in the street. Then there are those who have a far more overtly obvious disability where the question 'disclosure: yes or no' doesn't even factor in, and they too function in society in spite of their disability. You are never alone in this. But I think it begins with flicking a switch that says you accept yourself as you are. I've had the fortune of knowing that I had an ASD from the age of 7, so that was the age at which I had to accept.

For me I look at it as a difference. I also come from a cultural background that is not really accepting of disability and sees it as like a curse. Like my father was insulted when I told him it's genetic because it was like I dissed him.

I am fortunate that I have never passed as NT nor have ever been thought to be healthy. But it's about trying as many things as you can until one sticks. I like the site Codecademy for learning useful skills. If you are struggling to find work, please go to http://codecademy.com to learn programming and then look up some jobs in http://odesk.com . You will be able to get something. Even http://mturk.com can help.

Save some money via these things and then get an online bank account for example http://ally.com . Then set up Etrade and other investment accounts like http://www.prosper.com when you get the money from Odesk. Apply for as many freelance gigs as possible as you can there. Once you have a nest egg with some money in there make sure to invest it in both equities and debt. Also try to do stuff like babysitting. Even if you are like 30, you can still make it to having a nice and middle class net worth in a few years.

Once you have enough experience on Odesk definitely apply for some non freelance jobs and be seriously upfront about your condition. Remember that this is like being black in the 1950s. Or like being an immigrant (immigrants might not know English, you might not know social skills). You have to work twice as hard to get half as far, but soon you will get there anyway. You have to force yourself to be twice as good skills-wise and don't expect a high salary like $60,000, just expect the minimum wage and live within your means.

Remember that you do not have to get married or, if you live in an area with busses even drive a car. When you feel depressed look at your bank account and know that you have money there that you made through these sites like Odesk. And that makes you self sufficient no matter what others say. Even if the world were to collapse tomorrow you would still have a net worth while many do not.

There are also support systems out there that are not costly. For example, churches. I don't believe in that stuff but for a while I went to some Wiccan groups and they taught some breathing exercises and visualization that really helped. If you want to meet friends you can go to a church, like the Unitarian one or any other liberal denomination. This stuff costs way less than any forms of therapy and you can meet people as well.

I think of myself more as limited in functionality then disabled. Functionality involves society expectations and my ability to meet them. Some parts of my autism such as Executive Functioning are true lack of abilities would cause me difficulties in any society. The social aspects are for the most part not deficits on my part, nothing wrong or immoral about them, but most people have different abilities then mine so there are communication problems that limits my functionality in this society at this time.

^^^ I like that mindset.

I've always thought of myself as different, for better or worse depending on the situation. It was a huge slice of humble pie to swallow as I came to realize that my problems with most people weren't their faults, but my own. Hindsight is 20/20...