Tolerance - A double standard?

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As someone who may or may not be on the spectrum, I at least acknowledge that I have traits that may make getting along with me difficult. This includes my need to isolate, shutdowns and the rare meltdown, obsessional interests, difficulty in new a or unfamiliar social environments, a certain degree of rigidity or insistence on the familiar, etc. I usually ask those I live with (Well not directly, but more of an expectation) to graciously bear with my 'quirks' because I often have little control over them.

Now, I live with my brother-in-law who is not officially diagnosed with anything specific, but acknowledges issues with OCD and General Anxiety. Like I said, I know I have my issues so I try to extend the same courtesy of tolerance when dealing with his issues. That said, he can almost drive me insane at times.

As an example, he has a compulsive need at times to check to see if everyone is "okay" while at work. He'll text his wife to ask her. If she doesn't respond within 2 minutes he sends another text, then another a couple minutes later. Then he tries calling her. If he still hasn't gotten a response he'll then call me. He practically works himself into a panic attack because he doesn't give either of us a chance to stop whatever we're doing to reply. He also has a tendency at times to stress over the thoughts of going to work in the hour or so before doing so that he makes himself physically sick.

I've also made the mistake of borrowing something of his and not returning it to exactly where it was that causes him to become extremely annoyed and moody towards me. What's worse is that the same expectation is not held toward my belongings. If they don't fit into his notion of organization then he'll move them to please his own needs for structure and order.

I want to be tolerant of his behavioral quirks because I know he has to put up with a decent share of mine, but we tend to butt heads more often than not. I feel at times like I have this double standard of expecting people to 'put up with' me, but I'm not always capable of doing the same in return. I hate hypocrisy.

So, if anyone has ever found themselves in a similar situation, what advice would you have for me (Us)? I wonder if this situation is anything like having to deal with an Aspie sibling while being Aspie yourself. How can we best coexist without utterly pissing each off on an all too frequent basis?

It sounds like to me both your symptoms are clashing. He may have a need for things being in certain spot and you may have issues with keeping things in the right spot and he has to move that thing to get rid of that unwanted thought.

I have had the same issues with my ex boyfriends and my husband has seizures and anxiety like I do so when he hurt his back and couldn't work for awhile. I was having anxiety about it because of less income and it was shutting me down and me being all stressed out was making him more stressed and getting more seizures because of his own anxiety. So our kid had to be removed so he could get better and then me. The other thing was him not getting better was giving me tons of anxiety because he had to take care of our child when I went to work and it was very painful for him and he did his best. Just a sh***y thing that happened and it wasn't planned.

Both my ex boyfriends had traits and one of them said he was textbook and I suspect the first one had traits. But there were things about my ex's I couldn't stand like my first one may have had OCD so he would worry over nothing and have a hard time letting go of a thought and worry and it would annoy me and nothing I could say could stop those thoughts he had despite I had the same issue myself but in other things. But maybe it was my own AS that kept me from understanding because I was expecting him to be like me and when he wasn't, I was like "shut up and stop it" but I never said those exact words. But in my defense, lot of people have a hard time understanding mental illnesses so it may have just been a normal ignorant thing I was doing rather than an autistic trait. This is just one example.

When you've been invalidated all of your life, then you get both conditioned to be intolerant, and you may also feel the need to treat others the way they treat you, - as in hold them to the same type of standards that they hold you to.