Halfway Normal: Struggles and Blessings With a New Outlook

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I am really halfway in the NT world. Seems like a lot of you are very aspie, and that presents a different problem than I am facing. (I do act very aspieish when I am stressed however)

I definitely struggled in the past with Aspergers traits, and I still have it, but I have grown so much that no one would guess it, and for the most part, I am a "normal" but gifted person. But don't think I can't relate to others that are very aspieish, because I've been there. My social skills used to be terrible. My parents sheltered me, and at one point I was so bad that some people probably thought I was ret*d, when I was ten.

But its troubling because I normal enough that I know if I was given the chance, I could have fit in, but because of the decisions my parents made, I never had the chance. Now I have good friends. At 21. For the first time. Since I was ten (I had a best friend when I was ten but lost him when we moved). So I spent half my life in loneliness. I am great with people. I truly believe I have better social skills (exept in high stress or around family) than a lot of NTs, and am very observant. I no longer mind talking about my feelings. I beleive my analytical view has compensated for a lack of intuition. I analyze peoples behavior so much that it has become intuitive, except with the twist that I am very concious of behavior and motives. This conciousness actually gives me a one up, becuase I am aware of motivations rather than taking them for granted, so I can analyze behavior on a deeper level than those that just assume things for what they are.

The other night I went to a bar and hung out with one of my new very good friends and another even newer friend. I opened up and told her that this year was the first time since I was ten that I had friends and that I had a rough time growing up, that last year I came close to suicide. Her response was, "Brian, people LOVE you". and she really meant it, she knew other people that felt this way, and she really likes me too. I met and increased many friendships that night with all the people from school there. I'm not bragging, my point is just that I realized that after all these years of negative thoughts and wondering if I even could have friends, it turns out that people actually do love and respect me. That people actually care about me because they like me. They don't think I'm a fool or a dork. I know a lot of you out there struggle with people thinking wrong things about you and I'm not trying to rub this in. On the contrary, I just want to say that for many of you, your outlook can be wrong. Mine was for a long time. I just never had a chance to develop, but once it happened, I realized I had been wrong. Many of you I am sure are in the same boat right now that I was most of my life. But there is hope. And for those of you who honestly are disliked or mistreated, I am sorry you must go through that, and I hope that others can learn to see the good in you, even if its hard.

But then these negative thoughts start again. I become sad because school is almost over and I am scared of losing these new friendships. So it becomes almost a bad thing that I finally have them. These voices also start telling me, Brian, you made a fool of yourself opening up like that. I was sharing how I felt about my faith in God and how I feel like he wants me to do his work, whatever He leads me to do and these voices start saying, Brian, what if you are wrong and God is not really there for you. Well you just made a fool of yourself for expressing your faith passionately, because you passionate about something that is wrong. You had few drinks and now you are a fool, despite the rest of the great conversation. But I still believe what I said, its not like I didn't mean what I said. I just have this doubt about whether I should have said it, like I opened myseslf up too much

I am feeling pretty positive right now. But it is so weird that as soon as things start going good and I start losing those feelings of depression, these other negative thoughts begin coming in, like they are trying to balance the good feelings, and theres even more tension than before. It almost doesn't make sense, but the better I feel, the worse I feel. I get scared. I like feeling good, but I want these negative thoughts to stop. I want to feel like I can trust God.

The solace I have is that I know the thoughts are wrong and based on incorrect emotions. But I want them to stop. As a christian, I do believe that the devil is real. I know that others here may not, and yes, you could come up with a psychological explanation, but as a christian, I beleive that there is a spiritual reason for the thoughts. God is really helping me along, and I'm being attacked for it in a spiritual way.

I know this is long. I just have to express this somewhere and this is the best place I can. I am wondering how many other people here struggle with halfway in and halfway out of the NT aspie world. In a way I think that is harder than being just one or the other. But it also is a blessing if you can maximize the advantages of both.

Well, the devil IS another word for satan, and satan is from the hebrew "Ha satan"(The adversary) I guess you COULD call it the devil! 8? I guess I am kind of like you. At first glance I appear normal. I can act very normal. In the end though.... It IS just an act. I think all my neighbors know SOMETHING is up.

BTW I think most of the people here than are in the outside world are half/half.

Steve

Juggernaut, hi.

Thanks for your insights. It's good of you to share your growth and discoveries. Helps lots -- I have felt this way, too.

I know what you mean about almost fearing having the good connections, because you'll have to move on, and maybe they'll be lost.

The main thing I've realized is that it's not easy for anyone, NT or AS, and that we've got to trust that if our hearts are in the right place, and if we
are doing our best to contribute to our workplaces -- then we will be appreciated and even loved.

Receiving that love and accepting it is not always easy; it doesn't always come in ways we recognize. Or would prefer.

But working to meet others -- if not in the middle, then at least part way -- well, if we make the effort, it rarely goes unnoticed.

We're all in it together, eh? Keep up the amazing (life) progress.

DD

sounds like some pretty normal stuff yer going through, i wouldnt be too worried.

Juggernaut:

Mazel Tov!

I am wunna them strongly AS aspies and wish two things:

1. You are right and always successful and happy.

2. You stay with WP.

My theory for me would be the fact that though I might have Aspergers it has never showed until now because at a younger age I was put into a enviorment that allowed me to learn expressions and such that other Aspies have trouble with. I can be just like a fairly eccentric NT (I have no idea what the hell that means, still). Until now I have had a glarge gruop of friends but I was taken away from the enviorment and there the traits became apparent. I also have a theory on todays standard of "Normal"

_________________

Yes, I am 14.

Am glad you are managing to achieve some success with moving in that world out there, as well as coming to realise that you can have friends and be valued for who you are. I imagine it feels great if you have had a lifetime of rejection or bullying as many of us seem to have. I can identify with the issues over opening up and sharing...though maybe not in the same sense. I simply feel stupid when I have showed any emotion in my words and uncomfortable, and question if i said too much etc. I imagine you have made great effort to be able to move closer to being a part of that world rather than hovering outside it so kudos.

Thank you guys for your insight and encouragements!

I can empathize with Juggernaut.

I, too, did my best to be "normal", but it never quite worked out. Best I could do was be a subnormal "normal". My NL mask was a masterpiece, but it wasn't 100%. After a while, people would notice that I did things that were incongruous with my mask. Fear of the unknown would start bothering them. They couldn't quite say what it was ... so they would be unavailable without saying anything.

Thank God, I finally figured out that I was Aspergers, that all those negative judgments I got from "normals" didn't mean I was inherently flawed -- I'm just different.

I have made up a business card that has the medical diagnosis of Aspergers on one side and the positive traits of Aspergers on the other side. The guys in my Aspergers group love them. It gets people to cut us some slack. Who in this culture going to yell at a "handicapped" person? And if someone rejects me at the outset, that's certainly better earlier than later.

I too am between NT and Asperger's. I don't fit the stereotype of Asperger's, although I probably had many more of those behaviors when I was a child than I do now. When I look back on what I was like in my childhood and teens, I get very embarrassed. I still have interests unusual for someone my age and don't follow trends, but in other ways, I am fairly normal. I too, am more AS when I'm stressed.