Best way to refuse a "would you mind..." request?

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FMX
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07 Sep 2014, 3:53 pm

Recently I was at a tourist attraction and a stranger asked "would you mind taking a photo of me?" I normally agree to do this, but in this case I decided to refuse. (I think the reason is not relevant here.) So I replied: "Err... yes, actually I would, sorry". Well, the guy gave me a weird look :? and said "thanks a lot!" (sarcastically, I presume).

So it probably wasn't the best way to refuse, but I wasn't ready for the interaction (as usual) and was also put off by the form of the question: "would you mind..?" where "no" means "yes" to the request and vice-versa! But even thinking about it now, I can't see a good way to phrase it, so that:

1) The refusal is clear
2) I don't lie about anything (actually even the "sorry" felt kind of wrong, because I wasn't, really)
3) I don't give reasons
4) It causes minimal offence

Any ideas? Basically, what I wanted to communicate was something like:

I'm not passing any judgement on you as a person and there is no hidden message here, but I'm simply unwilling to do the favour you asked of me, for reasons of my own, which I'm unwilling to discuss with you.


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DevilKisses
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07 Sep 2014, 4:14 pm

Avoid making eye contact with random people.


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Raleigh
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07 Sep 2014, 4:19 pm

"Would you mind taking a photo of me?"
"Would you mind if I refuse?"


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Tiffany_Aching
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07 Sep 2014, 4:27 pm

There was nothing wrong with what you said. The guy was asking a favour, he was the one imposing on you. Therefore, his reaction was what was rude. Just because he couldn't see a reason and you didn't explain to him doesn't mean he has a right to be rude.

The only alternate phrasing I can think of would be something like "I can't" and then only because it implies that it's not that you don't want to, it's that you're unable to.



BorgPrince
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07 Sep 2014, 4:40 pm

"I'm sorry, I have HIV/Ebola/Herpes/The Gay and a cut on my finger."

Problem solved. :D



beady
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07 Sep 2014, 4:56 pm

Also, no matter what it is, say you are terrible at it.,... if desired, can add appropriate adjective - I'm clumsy, forgetful, etc.



tetris
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07 Sep 2014, 5:13 pm

I usually just do it but if I don't want to I just say Sorry, but I'd rather not.



olympiadis
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07 Sep 2014, 5:24 pm

You could learn a short phrase in a Botswana language that uses some clicks, like Ndebele, and reply with that phrase. It would probably solve the dilemma rather quickly.
Just fake a smile and wave as you walk away.



Raleigh
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07 Sep 2014, 5:24 pm

BorgPrince wrote:
"I'm sorry, I have HIV/Ebola/Herpes/The Gay and a cut on my finger."

Problem solved. :D


FMX doesn't want to lie. And what is the gay?


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progaspie
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07 Sep 2014, 5:24 pm

Honestly don't think it would have hurt to have taken the stranger's photo. So you were having a bad day for some reason. Well now your day's wrecked because it's racking your brain how you should have handled the situation better. Just a few seconds to take a stranger's photo and then it's all over.
How about this scenario? You are walking along a public road when you suddenly grab your chest and collapse with a heart attack right in front of a stranger who happens to know CPR. He's having a bad day too and can't be bothered to try and save your life.



BorgPrince
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07 Sep 2014, 5:46 pm

Raleigh wrote:
BorgPrince wrote:
"I'm sorry, I have HIV/Ebola/Herpes/The Gay and a cut on my finger."

Problem solved. :D


FMX doesn't want to lie. And what is the gay?


The Gay

The non-existent malady that one catches by being around homosexuals (males especially).
"Yo, John went to San Francisco, and now he has a boyfriend; he must have caught the gay!"



Rabbers
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07 Sep 2014, 5:55 pm

I can't really answer the question you asked because as an NT I would say there are only 2 responses that are socially acceptable - you either take the picture or you make an excuse such as 'sorry I'm in a rush' etc. The sorry is expected because you can't help them out.
If you want to put over that you just don't want to do it rather than you can't then I don't see any better way to phrase it. But you will likely get the weird look/sarcastic comment from most people as the norm is to help someone when you are able and you would explain yourself if you can't.
It may be there's a really good reason that you don't want to go into why you don't want to take the photo but most people will assume you can't be bothered.



olympiadis
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07 Sep 2014, 6:14 pm

If you ever want to get the strangest and worst reactions from NTs, then just simply tell them the plain truth.

Pure information without modification or deceit is absolutely horrifying to NTs.
I'm always very impressed when I hear someone state information like that in an environment of NTs.



dianthus
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07 Sep 2014, 6:15 pm

FMX wrote:
1) The refusal is clear
2) I don't lie about anything (actually even the "sorry" felt kind of wrong, because I wasn't, really)
3) I don't give reasons
4) It causes minimal offence


#1, 2 and 3 pretty much rule out the possibility of #4.

How about responding in the same phrasing..."Would you mind if I don't?"



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07 Sep 2014, 6:34 pm

I think it depends on what bothers you more. Would it bother you more to lie or would it bother you more that someone is sarcastic and gives you a weird look?
If it's the first one then I think you gave a sensible response. If it's the second one then give an excuse in future.



1401b
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07 Sep 2014, 6:48 pm

I just say, "No thank you."
NTs hear the No which is the answer to their real question of, "Would you do this?"
Answering a question too literally can confuse them, plus it requires a longer answer which can make a person look extra rude.
Thank You is politeness and therefore the whole thing is taken by NTs as declining an offer politely, as if you don't want to indispose them, like declining a cup of coffee.
If they try to insist, I repeat No, shaking my head as if they're making me feel shy, and move away.

I started doing this as ironic sarcasm, but discovered that it softened the whole interaction for them and if they see me later they act kinda extra polite like we're almost friends.

NTs are sooooo weird!


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