Haunted by memories of being alot more Aspergers.

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I'm 18 and Aspergers, around about 4 years ago, I struggled with social contact speech and was generally alot higher on the spectrum,,I've now become a lot better to the point where people don't often notice anymore, However, I'm haunted by my memories of when I was alot more Autistic and quite frankly, I'm embarrassed, such as how I used to never make any sense and be spooked by being touched. It gets to the point when someone brings up the years before now, i feel physically sick because it brings back memories and leads me to question if the me a couple years ago, really was me as I don't feel like the same person, while I've improved and am a new man, I can't get rid of the old, very unsocialable, awkward Aspergers teen that I was and put it out of my mind, it feels like there is a 2nd, completely different person who just won't die, no matter how much I try to accept that that is the past.

In short: I'm trying to let go of the past so I can continue my new leaf.

Don't try to kill off part of yourself. I have felt some of what you describe but nothing but misery comes from trying to pretend to be other than who we are. And you're saying who you are is a person who has made tremendous progress in understanding how to have positive social interactions. There's no possibility of progress being good if you can't accept you were where you were.

They don't haunt me but I certainly get flashbacks.

Anyone who knew me before say, 2009 may as well have seen me naked in public.

If anybody ever notices microexpressions of mine where I'm grimacing or looking pained, it's probably because I've been reminded of my past.

This diminishes over time. After 2 years I hardly thought about it at all.

Survival on the spectrum often means relaxing at all costs. I eat, sleep & breathe nerdiness, and that's the way things have to be. New leaves are always a lot of work, but our minds are always free; to me, the process you describe means turning as much of ones' life as possible into meditation. Sometimes that's the only way to get by, but it can be very helpful and generally satisfying when you encounter a friend in need.

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"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
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-Gem Tos

Everybody does things when they are young they are embarrassed about later. Everybody can look into their past and see something that will make them say: "man, I was an idiot then!" I think what you are experiencing is just more severe.

Just realize that the social blunders you made in the past no longer reflect anything about you're personality as it exists now. You know not to do certain things you did in the past, so there is no reason to identify with them.

Life is nothing but a learning process. All you can do is continuously learn from you're mistakes and become a better person because of it.

wow yup been there but I use humour to deal with it. When that doesn't work I break down my concerns until I get to the point where I realise that it really doesnt matter. Im embarassed because of some social error that happened years ago. I dont have any contact with those people anymore and the few I do have contact with really dont matter. They exist in the past and thus to all intents and purposes may as well not exist. The only things I preserve from my past are lessons learnt and my continually evolving sense of self as well as any positive social experiences I choose* to take along for the ride

Well this may come as bad news or not...but you don't actually become less aspergers and more neurotypical, aspergers refers to how your brain/neurology works and will continue to work. So instead of trying to see yourself as having started some new neurotypical life and where well on you're way to losing your aspergers to become neurotypical...perhaps look at it like you've learned some things over the years that help you function and with interactions....at younger ages you weren't as far a long with stuff like that and perhaps things where more noticable and you where more disruptive....but then even people without aspergers probably look back at their younger years thinking 'wow was I really so stupid to do that' or 'wow can't believe I'd do something so embarrassing'...don't see what there is to be embarrassed about if you've made improvements in these areas you found embarrassing. But yeah you can't very well erase the past and start anew, better to find a way to accept the past and incorporate it into continuing the rest of your life....you've made improvments and matured(yes people with autism also mature some with age and their life experiences).

Also improving is subjective....unless the improvement helps your life and satisfies you in some way, probably not really an improvement....basically autistic is not the low end with NT being the high end, so changing autistic traits or masking them to look more neurotypical is not exactly synonymous with 'improvement', improvement is if you change something that is intefering with your life or bothering you for the better and it helps your quality of life and how you feel about yourself....just seeming less autistic to please others in my opinion wouldn't be an improvement.

Try being proud that you overcame being that, instead of being ashamed that you once were that.

I was just having the same thoughts yesterday and I thought, if I were speaking to someone, "This might be easier to live with if it didn't leave so many scars." It is so, so painful, the stuff in the past. I am so much better socially now in many situations than I was even 2 years ago and I am 29, but that doesn't mean the neurology has changed, I've just adapted. However, the "obsessional" activities, the sensory stuff, the tendency to be "in my own world", the emotional control issues, the need for quiet and isolation, the OCD and anxiety, the depression, the perfectionism and need for sameness and predictability will always be there. And so much more relational things that I don't want to or can't write about now because my brain is tired. And it all gets much worse with change and stress. It always comes back to bite me. I am "mildly" affected and am a girl. I put mildly in quotes because I am trying to avoid using the high- or low-functioning labels incorrectly or at all as I find them both to be demeaning and limiting and promoting of stereotypes. I simply want to stress that the way this affects me isn't as much as some others here and I wish not to disrespect their experiences. I am not saying that mild Asperger's isn't very serious either because it is.

Also, my psyche became dependent on reliving these things and dwelling on them I think for security and familiarity and that is not really a good thing. Do everything in your power to avoid that.

I am an aspie too. Well, I am 39 and I am haunted by memories and facts that happened since I was 10. The memories are a real burden. Sometimes they are about unpleasent things that happened to me, but most of the times the are about things that I did wrong or that I could have done better. These memories make my life really hard, and they definetly contribute to my deppresion.

You could learn from those mistakes. Don't think of your mistakes as being necessarily negative--especially if they're later corrected.

I used to look back at my life in horror too.

I had very little self awareness as a teenager and had to be helped with things that other teenagers just did themselves. I didn't know at the time though. As my awareness grew I would have terrible flashbacks that would cause me severe anxiety.

I've got over it now though and so will you too. Try to just relax about it all.

I know that's probably easier said than done.

I used to be MUCH more aspie a couple of years ago, but have changed everything via treating the root cause of my symptoms. (see thread in sig)

When I see or meet someone that's clearly on the spectrum, I'm reminded of just how far I've come. When I observe things they do and recall that I used to do them too, I don't get much of a negative vibe from it at all. I learn. I realize why it was so frustrating for some people to deal with me.. especially when I begin to lose my patience with an undiagnosed oblivious to their own diagnosis aspie. I stop and remind myself that they're not intentionally trying to be difficult, they're just under the influence of ASD.

So yeah, reminders of the past don't really stress me. Can't change the past. Now, the present moment, is the only moment we ever really have.. so, be present and make the most of your time Now. Stop worrying about the past. Stop being embarrassed by it. If you think about the past, think about how far you've come vs. where you've come from. Think about how much progress you've made in this short time and how much more you'll make as time goes on. There are a lot of positive ways to perceive your same experiences vs dwelling on the negative. But ideally you stop thinking about the past and future and just focus in on being present Now in the moment. You'll be much happier for it.

_________________
No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

I am different then a lot of you.

I am haunted that in adapting consciously and unconsciously I lost part of myself and that what I think of as learned skills or overcoming is just me fooling myself.