Ashamed of being Autistic

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I don't know if this is the right forum to post this, but I need help or some reassurance.

My roommates earlier told me I smell. Straight up said that everyone's been talking about how my corner of the room just smells awful. And I just feel so awful right now because I feel like I've been caught.

Ever since I was told when I was ten that the reason I'd been going to therapy since I was younger and why everyone bullied me so heavily was because I had Autism, I've been trying desperately to hide it. I've watched old videos of myself and scolded myself for how awkward I am. I've stopped stimming, I've purposely looked at people in the eyes more, I've watched countless psychology videos to see how people work, and I feel like it's never enough.

The other night my friend and I got drunk and had a long conversation about our awkwardness. The longer I've hung out with him, the more I realize he's definitely on the spectrum. And I can recognize the awkward and weird things he does as things I used to do, and now somewhat being on the other side, I realize how distracting and bizarre it all is.

It doesn't help that I'm a 'net surfer and am constantly bombarded with reddit and 4chan and the like where calling someone Autistic is the worst insult you can fling at them. And the thing is, I feel like they're right. I'm so disgusted with things I can't change. I can't change the fact that I waddle when I walk, or that my grooming sucks ass, or that I'm terrified of talking to people. I want to be an artist so desperately, and I feel like it'll never happen because I feel like when people see me, they don't want to talk to me. They can sense that I'm wrong. That I'm off. That I'm ret*d. I'm terrified that people will always talk down to me, and that I'll never really 'pass.'

I just need to know, from people who are also able to 'pass', from people who get what it's like to live in a fog and constantly be baffled by people's aggressive hate, I need to know that I'm not alone. I'm terrified that I'll always be known as that 'special' kid, that I'll never be able to rid myself of this. Is this just irrational self loathing? Or is this honestly something to be disgusted by, and I just have the burden of being irreconcilably ugly and awful forever?

I feel subhuman. I want help.

I am 40 and I was only dionosed in March last year.

I can tell you one thing you are not alone and your well written post describes how I feel often.

I can understand you. I hate how I talk 'weird,' move 'weird,' even stand 'weird.' Everything I do is 'weird' to NTs! Sometimes I will feel this huge surge of pride in who I am and other times I feel completely useless. The useless feelings usually come when I am around NTs. You could try finding other autistics like you...? I don't know how well that would work out though because I've had lots of trouble with finding anyone.

Also, if sites like 4chan or Reddit are hurting you then I don't think you should browse them. Try Imgur. It's basically Reddit, but all pictures. They pride themselves on accepting everyone (except people who don't accept everyone). Tumblr was kind of like that, but it got crazy.

It feels like suddenly being autistic is something evil and horrible that automatically makes people treat you like scum and you can't even help it, like that kid who got a bucket of human waste dumped on him. My family and close friends seem to think I'm a good, likable person but on the internet people don't see or know the real me, and even if they did it would probably make things even worse. I know nearly everything about me is complete troll bait.

Maybe you need to ask yourself this question. Are you ashamed of the autism itself, or are you ashamed of what others think of you. Look, at some point in your life. You really need to stop giving a sh!t about what other people think you and stop looking up to them for approval.

Bad Metaphor, you have come to the right place in this forum to get the support and encouragement you need.
I have newly arrived here myself and I am in awe of all the wonderful and fascinating people who are posting here.
Haven't seen a place like this before on the internet.
Your experience with NT people is exactly like my own experience was when I was younger and yet I didn't even
know until quite recently that I was on the spectrum and I had no clue what autism was.
Those people who use it as an insult surely don't know anything much about it either.
You can learn to feel at ease with who you are and to stop caring about the insults and opinions of people who are
hiding their own insecurities and awkwardness from you, because they have a brain capable of deception.
The reason why they bully you is not because you are not likeable, but because it makes them feel better.
As to body control: I once had a boyfriend who told me that I had an awful gait and posture, all stiff and rigid and slouching.
And then he put a lot of work in, to teach me walking and holding my legs and back straight and after a lot of try and failure
I eventually learned to feel relaxed and comfortable in my body and to move with ease and grace.
I like dancing a lot, because it helps me to feel my body more consciously.
The human brain is very malleable and you can teach it whatever you like with persistence.
And really, I wouldn't for my life want to change my honest, genuine autistic brain for a manipulative NT brain!
Never, no matter how difficult it sometimes can be to cope with an NT centered world.

Well i can relate to what you're describing. I have all that too. I guess i can say to not overdo trying to be someone you are not. I'm on a couple of big teen help forums and i can tell you there's so many who hate everything about themselves, hardly have any friends....the works. So it's not just an autism thing. But autism is your thing making life hard.

I know i will always be different, an oddball, a misfit. But there's a lot of misfits out there who will look at me as one of the club. I am willing to accept my place in this world.

Btw far as i know lots of artists are oddballs like Dali and Whorhol etc. Kinda figured being different and being an artist went hand in hand. The right kind of people will accept you i'm sure.

Just want too add i belong to a club called Island of Misfits. We call ourselves misfits, oddballs etc as terms of endearment

I feel ashamed when I have it when I have to talk with neurotypicals that aren't my parents, as it's hard for me to interpret them, how to act, when to talk, when not to, etc. It just makes me want to not talk to anyone (I don't talk to anyone but my parents 99.9% of the time)

Yes that is true, I am an artist and that autism spectrum worked to my advantage a lot of the time,
because people expect artists to be quirky and eccentric, they don't even
take you serious if you are not a little bit odd
The simple thing is that, when you like yourself as you are, you feel happy and you give off positive vibes,
so people automatically like you because it feels good to be around someone positive like you.
The tricky thing is only to slowly mature into liking your quirks and peculiarities and to rather be amused about them
instead of feeling annoyed. A bit of genuine awkward shyness can be very appealing and I know people who
like that a lot, because it's kind of mysterious.
And people who embarrass and bully others usually have very low self esteem, and that's the reason why they feel compelled to get nasty.
When you know that it makes them less intimidating.

A hearty welcome to Wrong Planet

I hope you understand that you have indeed come to the right place a place where people do understand you.

As others have said just because the majority believes something does not mean they are right. The majority thought the world was flat at one time.

As far as you "smelling" it could be you do not smell but the bullies are saying that to make you feel bad.

It could be true, as Autistic people sometimes we get so wrapped up in our special interests we forget to take clean ourselves and do basic grooming. If this is the case for you try and make cleaning yourself and cleaning up after yourself a routine. Be as through and detailed doing this it as you are with your interests. If you do not know how, don't be embarrassed to ask, we want to help you. In fact don't be afraid to ask us anything or vent about any topic no matter how personal or embarrassing it is. There are also youtube videos and other online resources to teach you basic grooming.

If cleaning yourself is difficult because you are uncomfortable perhaps there is a sensitivity somewhere. That can be dealt with by changing how you do it (bath instead of shower, different soap etc)

Sometimes smelling poorly is a result of be a chemical imbalance or a poor diet or a specific thing you eat.

Welcome again to Wrong Planet.

When I was 35yo, the Office Manager called me in and told me that the partners said I smell. I was devastated.
After that, I showered every morning and never wore the same thing twice without washing it.
But showers give me a panic attack, so I had to fling myself in the shower before I was really awake, and manage to dress and leave the apartment in nanoseconds before I became so panicky that I couldn't go out at all.
With my hair wet, even in winter.
Every day. For years.

Recently I discovered what the problem is: my body temperature is different throughout my body.
So I step into the shower, the water hits my head and it's cold. The same water runs down my body is way too hot, while it's still icy on the top of my head.

No wonder I hate showers! I haven't figured out how to fix this but I like being at WP where people understand this sort of thing.

Sites like Reddit and 4chan can be harmful even for NTs, so if you are a sensitive person i do not recommend you to go on those sites.
I understand how you feel. I have always been "the weird" of every the group i was in. There was a time in my life when i realised that even if i was in a group of what other people would call "a group of weirdos" i would be the weirdest of them all. It sucks. A lot of times i wanted to be invisible, do not attract any attention because of the way i walk, the way i look to others, the way i interact, the way i talk or the way i do my stuff but almost always this seems impossible.
But as LupaLuna said you need to try your best to stop worrying too much about what others think about you. This kind of thinking can be like a chain in your life that stops you from moving on if you put your whole life based on that. We are not the kind of persons that can fit in the "normal" definition that most of people have and keep trying too much to fit only leads to failure and sadness, at least for me.
Surely there are things that we can and we need to try to get better, but we have to be careful.

I understand exactly how you feel.

You can clean and shower daily, and make sure to use scented product. You can leave room fresheners around.

You can do all that stuff. You can watch the way you walk. You can fix all those things...

...but you won't "be normal." EVER.

Honestly, if I were young again, with no kids and no spouse and no commitments, I would kill myself. I wish I had.

Not saying you should. You shouldn't. You're young, you have your whole life ahead of you, who knows what wonderdrug is just around the corner.

Accept yourself, nobody's perfect, all that stuff.

But there's imperfect like everyone else is imperfect.

And there's imperfect like OCD imperfect or ADHD imperfect or impetigo imperfect.

And then there's f*****g autism freak subhuman scum imperfect.

LOL...I think many autistics have transcended the "subhuman, scum" title.

Truthfully, nobody will ever be "normal" enough for some people.

Yeah we are different, but having a mental condition, you had no choice about, is nothing to be ashamed of.

It is however a never ending process of learning, adapting and minimalizing problem areas. If you break it down into smaller pieces, it may not seem so overwhelming. In the short run, that would be correcting the hygiene and cleanliness of your space. That is something you can do.

The awkwardness takes longer to work out, and will always likely be something you have to deal with, but can also be improved. You have already made steps in that direction. Its not like a six year old will always be a six year old. Nature takes it course and so will it be with you.