Folks please help me help my son

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Hi all,

I have a 3/9 old son. He was born in a trilingual home. As an infant he hit all his milestones on time. However, around 24m I noticed he had speech delay. I initially thought it it was because we spoke 3 languages at home. He never went to daycare and never had any other caregiver except for my husband and me.

DS started wiggling his fingers at 16m old and thats when he gets excited or stimulated. Sometimes looks like his whole body spasms including his face and he holds his breath when doing that. He started spinning around at the same time, usually when he is bored or wants to play with an object in his hand and sings ( pretend to sing). He bounces if we stopped him from wiggling his fingers. He squeals here and there. He is quite aware of his surrounding when doing any of those acts and stops right away if we ask him. He also walks on his toes sometimes. He likes children but does not approach them. If they approach him and play with him he warms up. In the gymnastic class he is the only child that wanders when it comes to do 2-3 step routine unless they redirect him . He is affectionate, happy and warms up quickly. He has recently started enjoying pretend play in a very basic form.

Since we started pre-k, 3 months ago, his English language has improved. He is curious. Concentrates well in A quite room. He is obedience and well mannered Learns quickly. In the last month, I had him evaluated by the children's hospital, a privet center and the school district. All turned out "mild speech and developmental delay". At 3/9 he is like a 2/11m in speech and 3 developmentally. I see the red flags. The overall delay and self stimulation. While they all suggested speech and OT therapy for 6 months would be beneficial but they did not required it. They suggested however that we evaluate him after 6m. They also refused to say that he might have mild autism or spectrum of autism and did not find it necessary for now to do any further test in that direction.

I am confused, scared, stressed. I get frustrated easily when he doesn't get things right. Then I feel guilty and I cry and cry. I am going crazy. Every little thing he does is becoming alarming to me. I fear that I am hurting my son by my reactions. I try to stop him from spinning or wiggling his fingers and sometimes he says " please let me do it, I am playing". I have a gut feeling something is not right. He is different than the kids I see but again he has speech delay and mild developmental delay but we have observed a lot of progress in the last 3m.

Sorry for such a long post but I really need help. Please let me know who else might be able to help me or what other kind of evaluation we would have to do? We have done speech, developmental and physical/sensory evaluation so far. Any specific test for autism out there that I should ask to be done? Who to go to because the pediatric developmental doctor we visited said it was not necessary for now!! !! I'd take him to any expert anywhere in the Us to get this done sooner rather than later. There is this autism evaluation questionnaire online. Because of his sensory stemming and speech delay he gets autism spectrum score. Thanks for any suggestion!

If he is able to say please let me do it I am playing when you try to stop him from wiggling his fingers, then he is not that far behind in terms of communication or language or social. Since he is learning and communicating and warms up quickly, I don't think there is a lot to worry about here. The people who evaluated him with mild delays probably didn't see much sign of autism to evaluate for autism.

Listen to the professionals who have seen him- speech and OT and have him re-evaluated in six months. Don't try to push an autism diagnosis.

Sounds like quite a few ASD symptoms to me.

Read "The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome," by Dr. Tony Attwood if you haven't yet. It'll give you a crash course in Autism symptoms & signs. I learned a lot from it & recommend that everyone on the spectrum read it for themselves.

More importantly: Read the thread in my signature. It's how I've treated my own ASD (and other) symptoms over the last year and a half or two with nothing short of miraculous results. Feel free to pm me with any questions.

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No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

there are some red flags indeed, but remember: there is also a difference in NT development, being 2-3 months behind on 'normal' development on a few points isn't all that uncommon. to be honest, he is quite young to be truly evaluated, due to above reasoning.

be careful reading into parenting books, many give age milestones which are not met by the majority of children: those are averages.
honestly, i don't think that an autism evaluation before around 4 years of age is too early to be accurate, although is several red flags are visible, it doesn't hurt to keep a close eye on your DS.
don't assume the worst, everyone is different, and it might be something mild as NVLD or even just a little quirk in his own development, with no impact in later years at all.

While it is a very difficult to find time as mother you need to take care of your own psychological needs. That is not being selfish. It is necessary for both for you and him. That you recognize that this is an issue and have reached out is a good start.

I am speaking as a person with mild Asperger's Syndrome who has no parenting experience. I still have a few ideas that might help.

I agree with what some of the other people here are saying about how you can't count on the milestones given in parenting books and that you should follow the professionals advice. I was actually a late bloomer when it came to learning how to talk but once I finally got started it turned out that I was ahead of many children developmentally in ways that weren't visible before I started talking well.

As far as issues such as wiggling his fingers and spinning in circles, since he sees it as a game, don't try to stop it. It doesn't sound like a harmful habit, believe me there are many worse behaviors that he could have chosen. In fact, it might be his way of dealing with stress and to deny him his outlet will only do damage in the long run. On top of that, kids like to do silly things because they are fun. In fact, if you can, find a way to make these games interactive, rather than him just spinning by himself and wiggling his fingers alone.

You mentioned that he is curious. If you want to increase his ability to talk, answer his questions about what he wants to know in a way that encourages him to ask more about it. Start a conversation with him or make a game out of it.

An example I can think of is that I had an interest in animals, so my dad and I played what we called "The Animal Guessing Game" which is similar to Twenty Questions, but instead, we could ask an unlimited number of yes/no/I don't know answer questions. Because I was interested, I learned a lot, not only about specific animals that I liked but many words and concepts I previously hadn't been aware of as well.

Make him want to talk. Also, I don't know if you are already trying this but if you can't understand what he's trying to tell you or what he's asking, let him know in a nice way and try to get him to express what he's saying in a way that you can understand. It might take a little more time but it allows him to figure out how to more properly tell you what he is trying to say. It builds up his speaking skills. He'll have a greater motivation for learning how to talk if he knows that you are so interested in hearing what he has to say.

That you have acknowledged something is going on is a good first step to helping your child. Many parents wont even do that. Still, you have to be careful about how you approach the situation or you will do more damage than good. Clearly you want to do what you can, otherwise, you wouldn't posting be here. Perhaps a good place to start a discussion similar to this is in the parents section, rather than general autism. You can get advice directly from other people who have been in a similar positions to the one you are in now and you are less likely to have your topic buried under the wide range of other ones that come up in this forum.

Something you should not try to do is treat it like it can be forced to go away. Chances are that, no matter what you do, there will be symptoms present for all his life for whatever he has. Keep in mind that this is not necessarily a terrible thing (although it will make several aspects of his life more difficult, especially the social aspects during childhood). Some of the worlds greatest minds had mild cases of these mental disabilities. What you can do is as he gets older, make him aware that he has his habits and help him come up with ideas to manage them. For example if his hands continue to be busy as he grows, you can suggest that he hold an object like a pencil or something else to keep him busy in one spot rather than having them wiggle in thin air.

I wish you luck with your child and hope everything goes well for both you and him.

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You need to calm down. You probably need to get some therapy yourself.

I have fifteen cousins and almost all of them have young children. What you are describing here is, apart from the speech delay, normal behaviour for a child of his age.

The reason nobody wants to diagnose him with autism is because he may not have autism. And you can't just take a diagnosis like that back. They are looking out for your son.

Your son sounds like a great kid. He's confident enough to assert his needs, which is fantastic. But honestly, he's a child. Children do weird things all the time; even neurotypical kids do the thing where you spin around in circles until you fall over. That isn't going to be the most embarrassing thing he ever does, and you need to stop stressing (again, you may need to see a professional to learn how to do that).

Next time you feel the need to stop him doing something that isn't hurting anyone, maybe consider whether you'd let him do that thing if you weren't worried about his development. I'm not suggesting letting him get away with bad behaviour or anything like that, just don't be so quick to attribute his behaviour to his "disorder" rather than to him being a child.

You're right that you are harming him with your negative reactions.

I am speaking from a LOT of experience of having a few younger siblings with autism, some low functioning and others very high.

You need to show him strength and reliability. You are his parent and he should see you as a person who is able to be there for him, accepts him for who he is, and helps him deal with any difficulties he has without changing his core self.

In order to do that, you yourself have to have the ability to accept him for exactly who he is, with all his limitations and abilities. Learn his quirks, learn what he likes to do, learn what upsets him, and nurture him based on the knowledge that you alone have as his mother. No one is going to know him better than you.

In my own personal opinion, whether he has autism or not is irrelevant because autism is just a label. His set of traits will keep being unique to him whether that label was put on him or not, and you should just deal with those traits as they come regardless of the label attached to them.

Hey
First, take a deep breath. Is he healthy -like eating well? Is he self harming (hitting his head against the floor or with his hands or biting himself or you?)
If so see a doctor right away.
If you have any doubts or concerns about your son you need to see a doctor and tell them about what you're seeing. He should be assessed and there may be follow up assessments. Sometimes autism is clearer as you get older -more social demands means the gaps between NT kids and autistic kids starts to grow.
If he is diagnosed know that it is not the end of the world. It is not a death sentence and you are not alone. There should be organizations and therapy groups to get in touch with in your state/province. If a positive diagnosis comes get into therapy right away -ABA or IBI -but watch for therapies/therapists that want to 'cleans' 'cure' or focus on stopping hand waving, spinning est. I know this can all be very overwhelming.
By connecting with therapists and making connections early you will be able to network and get your foot in the door -it's not always about what you know but who you know. Talking to people on WP can help keep you in touch with other parents and people on the spectrum.
Don't forget to take care of yourself. This is not your fault, this is not something you have done wrong.

Above all your son has potential. He is precious. He has hope and can live a happy and full life -no matter the diagnosis.

Well why do you feel it is nessisary to stop him from spinning(unless its like to excess and he ends up nauseous or puking from it) but even NT kids like to spin around at times as for wiggling fingers i don't see any harm that would come from that...its probably some sort of stimming or he just finds it entertaining, unless a behavior is hurting him I don't think it makes much sense to try and stop it. I mean if he has autism then yeah hes going to be different from normal kids so in my opinion the best approach is to accept that and respect some of the differences instead of stopping anything potentially abnormal...unless of course its harmful. Also even if he does have autism people with it can still live fullfilling lives especially if they have supportive family and what not to help them, trouble is society could do a better job at encouraging acceptence of people with differences.

One thing to though is autistic or not he's still a kid, so you're probably right that obsessing over little unusual things you notice and potentially over-reacting might not be too healthy for him. I mean while autism can cause limitations and sometimes things like meltdowns happen it is also important he has a sense of being able to do things and what not instead of having the parent jump in all the time to intervene...kind of hard to explain what I mean...but when I was a kid my mom would sometimes discourage me from things and get my anxiety going like I'd maybe want to do some activity and she would freak out about how I couldn't handle it or this or that(she didn't know I had autism exactly but I think she thought there was something at least) so anyways kind of reduced my confidence about being able to do challenging things even if its things i probably could do....so basically you want to give him room to breathe and grow, but certianly dealing with the autism related issues are important to, but any child also needs time to just be a kid so it cant all be treatments and doctors appointments with no time for leasure and play. Don't know if you will find any of that helpful but just my take on it.

Spin around with him sometimes - you might enjoy it. It also helps him learn when it's inappropriate or dangerous (knocking into things or other people). Like all of us, he needs acceptance and guidance. And love him where he's at.

The "gold standard" is a test called the ADOS (Autism Diagnostic Observation Schedule), and a psychologist has to have special training in order to administer it.

You might find the book Aspergers Syndrome and the Young Child helpful. The advice is about helping to build good foundations for development, and should apply even if it turns out to be just a speech delay and not mild autism.