Finally, A Diagnosis, At Last

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First off, it has been a long, long time since I've posted here.
In that time, I have helped my parents move, I have had my world change too much, and I have learned a great deal, which is no easy feat when you are in your fifties.
But after many hours of meetings, held prior to my move, a diagnosis has been made.
Officially ASD.
And some other problems as well; major depression syndrome, agoraphobia (that was a surprise, but somehow...), and generalized anxiety disorder.
I am still kind of reeling from it all, to be honest. I thought that once I had the diagnosis I'd feel almost relieved. Instead, when taken with those other problems, so much of what has happened in my life makes sense now. The feeling I have about that, though, is a degree of remorse. I've known about the depression for a long time, as well as the anxiety, and I felt that the ASD diagnosis might explain them. It really doesn't.
The remorse I feel is that I didn't know earlier. There were so many things, so many situations, I could have avoided. Alas.
Still, it is what it is. That feeling like I am not so much a citizen of this planet but instead am an observer has finally been laid to rest.
I have autism.

- VA

You have a bunch of diagnosis so it will take time. You just got to let whatever emotions need to happen actually happen. That can be be difficult as you have have become used bottling it up for decades. The co-morbids you were diagnosed with says holding it back was maybe not such a great idea. The release of decades of emotions held back for so long will happen in some strange ways and be of such intensity it will be bit disconcerting and frightening but not to worry, your autistic brain is healing.

For most adults diagnosed in middle age regret over missed opportunities is a natural reaction. But we (I was diagnosed s few weeks before my 56th birthday) are in many ways the fortunate ones. Many our autistic peers never made it, the death certificate might say drug overdose. or they froze in the street. or suicide but it was their and everybody else not knowing about their autism. Many of us and all those before will have lived their whole life without knowing.

Our parents aging is always a tough thing to handle because it is such a radical change.

Hi VA,
I was relieved to be diagnosed, but it was still a very big deal and I became more withdrawn for 5 months. In some ways I learned to have more patience with myself and others; I could say, "Of course I struggled with this/said that/didn't understand that, I have Asperger's!" But I also felt like I didn't have much of a chance anymore; I would never be normal, never have mature friendships, never understand life. It was a heavy thing to deal with regardless of how much relief it brought, and I that was without being diagnosed with any co-morbids.

Give yourself time to grieve and heal. Your life was just what it was and it wasn't your fault and you can't go back change it. Everyone is struggling with their own form of brokenness and there are many lessons that we can only learn through experience.

Thank you both for the replies. It is appreciated.
I just wish I could go back in time to that younger me, that teenager especially, and just say that it's okay.
Perhaps I can do that in my mind.
Besides, I don't want to go messing with the whole time thing. Paradoxes upset me.

I was recently diagnosed and I have some of the same feelings, such as wishing I could talk to the struggling child or teenager (and older) that was Me, and tell her 'why'. Knowing sooner in my life could have made me understand myself and my difficulties (and thus better ways to approach them...) so much better and with compassion, instead of beating myself up figuratively speaking, for not being as "normal" as I felt expected to be.

I'm glad I know now, though; it's never too late to finally get answers if those answers help anything going forward.