Disclosing as an adult vs. disclosing as a child

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I've had negative experiences with people finding out about my diagnosis when I was a child. They often treated me like I was half my age and publicly humiliated me. A lot of adults on this forum seem to have better experiences disclosing as an adult. Do you think it's easier to disclose as an adult?

I think it's easier to disclose once people have gotten to know you and seen how capable you actually are, rather than making assumptions based on your diagnosis without bothering to see what you actually can do. It's why I don't tell people I have AS until after I've known them for a little while.

^^^^

This. Also, I think adults use more restraint and manners than kids do. And they use more when talking to/about other adults than they do when talking to/about kids.

Kids, you get grim speculation when talking about kids. Adults, well, if you've already done something and proven something, there's less room for speculation to take hold.

Sometimes, anyway. Sometimes it does anyway. Some adults aren't very mature. Seems like something in most of us wants to disclose, but, like, even if you're all grown up and practically the picture of well-balanced success and most people envy you or aspire to be you and even you are like ahhhh, this is as good as it gets, some people will still look at you and talk to you like you're totally incapable when you disclose.

Unless there's A Reason (medical, or a really big personal reason, like "We're talking about getting engaged" or "This person is now so close to me it's like we can see each other's souls" or "We've known each other for so long we're talking about our/my/their special-needs kid(s)), nondisclosure is usually the best policy, even with adults.

I say that, but I made a potentially gratuitous disclosure today. We were talking about our respective special needs kids and it just, sort of accidentally on purpose came out. I sort of forgot that it's not like saying, "Oh, the blonde is a rinse, I'm actually a brunette" or "I had crabs in high school" or something like that and said it.

Be very cautious sharing your AS with any adult. Disclosures cannot ever be taken back. Your disclosure is only as good as the person to whom you disclose it to. I know, because I have had my trust betrayed.

Imagine disclosing your AS may be akin to say, giving someone custody of your car keys. Or allowing them access to your bank account. While the person to whom you disclose may be 'nice', trust is a hard-earned quality.....never give it away. Your AS is precious; an integral part of your being. So only share it accordingly.

Yes, certain unscrupulous individuals will use it as leverage. Do not give them this power. In a professional setting, any given Aspie most likely cannot afford to share their disclosure, unless you happen to be in a very, very secure position. If they notice that you are 'different' (which is fine), let them believe you are shy and/or quirky. The reason why is none of their concern.

BuyerBeware, thanks, and that's good advice. And from all of you. My medical doctor, for example, knows that I am an AS individual - we are bound by confidentiality. (Sometimes I have insomnia, which is pretty common for Aspies, so my GP does need to know).

That's a really astute point - I know what you mean. Plus, a consideration is what we might expect from sharing our Dx. In an ideal world, others would be compassionate and understanding, even curious (which is fine). But in reality, people oftentimes just don't get it. What's worse, if you tell one person in confidence, it's likely they'll tell another.....then it's a snowball effect propagating rumours and misinformation.

That's another thing I have a lot of trouble with. When I was a kid my mom disclosed to some close family friends. That was understandable because I was prone to meltdowns when I was a kid. She didn't want them to think I was a brat or she was a bad parent.

Later their kids found out. I wasn't too happy about that, but I could live with it. After that she told other people in their family about my diagnosis. That's when things started going wrong. Their kids found out and they were really weird about it. Their daughter was okay, but she found my diagnosis a bit too fascinating.

She always talked about autism with me and she always wanted to hang out with me or get to know me better. Her little brother was absolutely horrible. He told everyone he could about my diagnosis.

He once tried to tell thid Persian guy about my diagnosis, but his English wasn't too good and he thought that he told him I was an artist.

Even more reason not to disclose, even to close family, unless there's some reason they need to know. Like the idea that some people just think you're an artist to excuse your odd behaviour. But seriously, if you're high functioning, why should you disclose, because people will just look at you strangely and totally misinterpret your behaviour.

I hate when people misinterpret my behavior because of knowing about my diagnosis. Right now only family, people who knew me when I was young, counselors and teachers at school know about my diagnosis. The only reason counselors know about my diagnosis is because of all the trauma it's caused me. The teachers know because they have access to my files. I'm not even sure if my diagnosis is correct. If it is correct autism is not my primary issue. My depression, anxiety, executive dysfunction, brain fog, OCD, insomnia and physical health issues are way worse than any autistic traits I may have. Most people automatically think autism is my main issue and I hate that. It makes it nearly impossible to get the help I actually need.

No, absolutely not. I would never recommend telling anyone. You will be seen as different from the second you do. How different may vary, but it's not a good idea to disclose. You don't know which consequences it will have, nor how many ends up being told by the person/s you tell, or how any of them will treat you as a result.

I find that, if I reveal my diagnosis to someone, I actually behave "more autistic" towards that person, when otherwise I would have been capable of responding rather normally.

I personally do think so. As an adult, you typically have a much better grasp of what your AS characteristics are and how you are different from the AS stereotype. You can formulate your disclosure statement better based on this knowledge, rather than just stating your diagnosis. That's not usually well received because it doesn't provide an explicit explanation behind your behaviours; thus, it makes people think you're more of a weirdo or a freak than when you didn't disclose.

I do think adults are more understanding and receptive to differences in general, but still, adult maturity may very.

There is mention on this thread of one person telling other people you might not have chosen to tell -- that is one aspect of disclosing that bothers me too, a lot. I've already found that telling one person I trusted not to treat me differently -- and she hasn't -- still left me with the problem that she freely told another person who DOES now treat me differently. It's another thing to think about.

The person to whom you disclose may be a good choice of person, in themselves, to tell, but then you have to think about who they are going to talk about it to, even if they think they are "confiding" it also to that next person. It can create such a chain of disclosure that you might as well have put a banner up across Main Street.

I've publicly disclosed my Dx. I actually haven't noticed anyone treating me any different. I'm not sure if that's because I may not be too good at noticing if someone's treating me "differently", or if it's because it turned out that the idea that I might be on the spectrum was not uncommon to people who know me.

Precisely good point. It only takes one misguided person in an influential position to make your existence misery.

I am confident in stating that autism/AS is complex. Unlike a well-defined medical condition (e.g., lupus, diabetes), AS is multifaceted and dynamic. We cannot ever expect any one person to 'get it.' In reality, it can be far beyond the capacity of most. Only one misunderstanding can propagate the downward spiral of misunderstanding....and we're the target.

I think disclosure is a very personal thing, no matter what age the person is.

Whether or not disclosure is a good idea/bad idea, helpful/unhelpful and how it affects things is probably very dependent on the individual and the context.

I mentioned to some people online that I suspect I might be autistic. I felt okay with it, so long as I was speaking for myself. But one woman took it upon herself to start explaining it to other people on my behalf. I didn't like the way she tried to speak for me like that, but what's more is she twisted my words around into something I hadn't said.

I was able to address that, because I saw what she wrote, but who knows what else was said behind my back. It felt like once I put it out there, the ball just kept rolling and I couldn't stop it.

I ended up regretting that I had ever mentioned it to begin with, not only because of that, but because of the way people treated me. It was like they no longer saw me as a reasoning adult, but more like a child with a diminished mental capacity.

Then things really came to a head when Sandy Hook happened. It triggered some of the people in that group into utter paranoia. Some of it got directed at me, and this one girl blew up at me in a really mean and upsetting way.

It dawned on me, that they were buying into the media BS about autistic people becoming killers and what not, and projecting that on me! I was shocked. I mean, I had never even met any of these people, they barely knew me. It was just bizarre and totally shocking.

That really made an impression on me that it could go against my best interests to tell people, even if, or should I say especially if I ever became formally diagnosed.