Discovering more about myself.

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In my final year of uni, I was diagnosed with dyslexia. It was a slight relief, after spending many years feeling and thinking I was rather stupid and unable to keep up. It was pointed out that it was because of my intelligence that I managed to hide my difficulties. I found this quite interesting and wanted to discover more, however, due to Uni work didn't continue to read any further into this.
On day, I was having lunch with a friend, who informed me he had a mild form of Aspergers and said something I did was a bit aspergers like. This got me thinking and I started to want to know more. From this, I read into Aspergers, ADHD, Depression and Bipolar. I've been particularly drawn to Aspergers (reading books, articles, forums and watching YouTube Videos) and found myself flittering between wondering whether I have aspergers or not (It's got me in quite a frenzy; having a panic attack over it the other day.) I have found it difficult to fully understand, and don't want to waste any professional psychologist time if I'm just being pathetic and worrying over nothing.

Rather than dive into an essay of my life, I've conducted a list form of things about me.

- I have a very narrow interest in truthful and Shakespeare acting (I have tried other acting types: for the purpose of uni, but struggled to find any interest in writing about them)
- I know facts about Kenneth Branagh, who is my favourite actor (i.e. Birth place, DOB, how many siblings, first acting job, distinguishing features about him, etc, etc.
- I miss jokes and find myself having to pretending to laugh just so I don't upset the person. Sometimes I miss it completely.
- Whilst I understand facial and body language, some can confuse me (I confused the tone of voice my boss used to be stern in order to get jobs done and I thought that he disliked me and was picking on me - I obsessed over it and asked people if he was like it with them, when they said no it made me worry further. When at the christmas party and a little drunk, I confronted him and asked him why he didn't like me and he confirmed he did and didn't realise I was upset.
- I was confronted by a woman I worked with in a shop who thought I was rude because I would look blankly at her when she spoke.
- I managed fine with making friends; because I loved Robin Williams when I was young and thought his eccentric personality was great. So I found making people laugh was the key to gaining friends. However, maintaining friends has always been a struggle. Since secondary school, I always had trouble with bullies (namely girls). I was always in my own world rather than with anything they were saying.
- my best subjects at school were Drama and Science. I have a fascination with how the mind works... why certain people react in certain ways and believe that both Drama and Science are connected in this way.
- people have spotted the difference between my sisters and I ( I have three other sister, who all share similar attributes: whilst I'm quite different)
- I'm a visual thinker (I have the ability, wherever I am standing, to place myself in a building that exist or does not and navigate my way round looking at the details of certain objects in my view.
- I can read map very well, despite being dyslexic, which is a difficulty.
- Certain food textures get to me.
- types of clothing gets on my nerves.
- If my hair has fallen into my top I feel a sudden irritation, even if I have seen it fall.
- Certain words really drive me up the wall
- Although partially deaf in one ear... I speak and sing well and clearly ( I met someone at college who had the same condition as me, and it was very noticeable that she was deaf.
- I have a very defined taste in music - I don't follow what others do... I enjoy music a lot - self taught myself the guitar, ukulele and drum... no one lesson.
- I drew up a design on AutoCAD in less than a week - again teaching myself the software before using it.
- Tend to find the solution to things and then work out how it unfolds.
- I find it very difficult to concentrate on more than one thing at a time. Especially at work when I am trying to take down details of a client, the noises from the computer monitor, other people talking, vehicles going passed prevent me concentrating on what the person has said. I also find it difficult to talk to people when the sun shines in my eyes or on coming traffic and traffic lights are in my eyes.
- I do have sensory sensitivities to smells... it's often a suffocation, feel like the smell won't leave me and I have to get outside or really far away from it so I can breath again.
- I like making list.
- Whilst I like interactions with other people... I do feel really tired when I get home, but struggle to sleep because I feel guilty because I haven't allowed myself to relax.
- I have an obsession with my health and fitness.
- I have an artistic eye.
- I thrive on deep conversations, where as small talk, I'm in and out.
- I have a fear of dying ( I know a lot of people do, but I have a ritual of touch wood before I go to bed to put my mind at rest). I always think the worst, with everything.
- I have also noticed that I shower the same way every time (certain things I do, are always done the same way the next)
- On family gatherings, I'm either off playing with the nephews or sitting in silence in the living room with the rest of my family.
- I find it difficult to accept compliments, I'm getting better. I'm learning just saying thank you is enough. Although, in my last acting job the Major came and complimented me and I just spoke without thinking and said a lot of stupid s**t.
- I have been know to be a deep thinker, in my own world, liking my own company.
- whilst I love to have a house mate, living with someone disrupts my routine and makes living uncomfortable.
- My hyper focus can be quite intense, when I was drawing the designs on AutoCAD, I was up until 4, without realising it.
- I've much better now with my hygiene, but I remember when I started dating my ex he pointed out that I should think more about it.
- I have obsessions over clothing. At the moment, its the t-shirt and shirt look (I am quite tomboyish, but with a bit of girly thrown in) I'm comfortable and that's what matters. Can't stand high heels (find dressing up and going out a chore) I will wash my hair the night before and let it dry naturally. I love it, because it's so low maintenance.
- I have no interest in gossip, make up, fashion. Girls at uni would talk about shoes from some fashion designer and I nod saying yeah I know what you're talking about.
- Don't get me started on bags... why do we need so many bags and shoes? Although I have many flat shoes, I only ever wear one pair of boots with everything and I love them. I have one bag, which can carry everything.
- I think I've always had trouble connecting with girls because I have a boyish sense of life.
- My brain can link three random things together in about 3 seconds of thinking about one thing.
- I can have moments of depression, but it doesn't last very long.
- I find reading list of information better than reading a paragraph... I can learn better in lists.
- The two people I found it easier to connect with and be friends with both have Aspergers.
- I find it difficult to talk to someone whose upset me, even to save face. If I'm not happy with someone I don't talk to them.
- I'm very cautious about what I say. If I see something and something pops into my head, I have to try hard not to say it out loud.
- I can work in a team, but I work better on my own and with no distractions. I can become bored if I keep having to change the work I'm doing.
- Now I know this, but I put things off because I was scared, but blamed it on my ex for keeping me from doing it.
- love building things (lego, furniture, etc.)
- The Emoticons keep pulling my focus.
- Whilst others say I'm confident and a people person, I see something completely different. I know what's going on in my head. Just saying "hello" to someone new puts the fear of god in me. I always feel like i'm going to be rejected. I've always thought I was an internally shy person in a confident exterior.
- A manager at one of my old jobs openly suspected that I have Bipolar - which speaking to others, their views is I am not.
- Struggle with small talk. I can do it, but I will often shift the focus to them, as when they ask me, I often stutter or not know what I'm saying.
- Always felt I didn't fit in anywhere. I felt bored by those who weren't overly intelligent and lost with the jokes and the conversation flow between people of higher intelligence.
- I tend to notice details about people - if they're left handed, or have an accent and any distinguish feature they may have.
- I felt the most at ease when I was in a relationship with my ex boyfriend... although in the end, it didn't work (it was unexpected, even if I tell people it was happening long before).
- I get easily confused by word meaning if there in more than one definition. My logic is to look at the thesaurus, which normally helps, not always.
- When extremely nervous, processing anything just doesn't work for me. In many interviews I've somewhat watched as I babble along, not making any sense, nor answering the question and thought to myself... what's wrong with me?
- I love books, but find it difficult to sit and read one, unless I'm complete absorbed by it... much better with plays.
- Prefer things in black and white answers - it's too confusing when there are too many definitions.


There is so much more I can add... I do have another list, which consist of about 256 things I have list. The list is forever growing.

I basically want to know whether it's worth even going to the doctor to get a diagnosis, or just stop obsessing over something that isn't there. Sorry about the large list. Please help

Hi. Welcome to Wrong Planet. It's very difficult for anyone to tell someone else if they have aspergers. Even doctors aren't very good at it. Judging by your list (and the fact that you seem to love lists), I would say that your mind works in an usual way, which is similar to that of someone with aspergers. However, I can't be certain. It's always been my view that self-diagnosis is as good as professional diagnosis. If you want to know the "Why" of how you act and think and say things, then any explanation that fits and satisfies you serves your purpose. I suppose the biggest thing for people with aspergers is how you interact with others. Is it hard for you? Do you find it hard to pick up social signals? Does it make you tired having to be around other people all day? Those questions are a good place to start if you're trying to work this out. Do your parents know what aspergers is? If so, you might be able to ask them if they ever suspected that you had it. A.S. traits are more noticeable in children. I'd be surprised if anyone here will feel safe about diagnosing you, and that's all I can tell you I'm afraid. Having said that self-diagnsis is fine, if this bothers you then going to a doctor about it won't do you much harm, provided your medical insurance will cover it. I'm in the UK so I don't know how medical insurance works. Doctors won't mind if you bother them. That's what they're here for. Good luck with working this out.

Hey AdamK,

Thank you for getting back to me about this. What you said is very helpful and the last thing I'd want to do is make anyone feel uncomfortable.

I'm also from the UK, thankfully.

I do need to see the doctor rather than keep researching books, youtube clips, articles and forums. I'm just worried that they'll take one look at me and laugh.

I find talking to my mother about anything like this gut wrenching, as again I worry that she'll laugh and tell me to stop being so silly.

Thank you again,

Hanio.

hey I am currently going through the exact same thing, flitting back and forth of being certain I must have it and thinking I am being delusional.

I would suggest seeking diagnosis if only to stop that kind of warring in your head, it can take up a lot of time and its not very nice being in a situation of uncertainty over something that you care about.

I have the same thoughts of just being stupid but I have decided to just find out, at the end of the day a yes or no answer is helpful if only to understand yourself, think of it in a scientific way, that's what I am doing.

I went privately as I did not want to deal with trying to be referred but you can do either

You could try one of these online screening test. Of course online are by no means an authoritative method of diagnoses - But it could give you some idea how you score in comparison to people who are diagnosed with an ASD.

Here is one:

http://aq.server8.org/


and here is another:

http://aspietests.org/raads/index.php


and here is a third:

http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php