Boyfriend's son has autism. A few questions and concerns

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When I met my boyfriend earlier this year, he told me his son has mild autism. He said that he is high functioning and basically is just a little delayed in developement. He was upfront, and I appreciated that. I have no problem being with someone who has a child with autism or any other special needs. I have 2 family members who I am very close to that have different special needs, but neither have autism. A family members step son has mild autism, so when my boyfriend said his son has mild autism, it didn't phase me at all. The boy that I met that had mild autism went to regular school, graduated, is in college, works, has a gf, etc. You'd never know except he is a bit socially awkward.

We waited a while before we met eachother's children. His son is 7 and my girl is 4. As soon as I met his son, I realized my boyfriend's idea of mildly autistic and mine were very different. His son does not speak more than 1 word at a time, and not often. He does not go to the bathroom on his own, does not eat very many different things, etc. He likes to watch tv, play video games, and sometimes runs around aimlessly.... He completely understands what you say to him. If you ask him to go get his coat, he will (if he wants to lol he might protest, but what kid doesn't if they're not wanting to leave!) So ok, I can handle that. We were out and I was observing him. I said to my bf "does he ever hit if he gets frusterated or overly stimulated and cannot express himself?" BF said no. Not even 30 min later, the boy hit me..... hard..... bc I was in the play yard and said to my daughter and him that it was time to go. The boy came out no problem, went over to his shoes, I was trying to tall to him so I said "are those your boots?" or something like that, and he turned around and hit me.... My daughter did not see thank goodness..... I did not react, just kept on with what I was doing. I was very shocked and very upset that I specifically asked my bf min earlier and he said no he doesn't hit. He took the boy out to the car, and I took my little one to the bathroom and came to the car after. He said he gave the boy heck while we were gone. I explained to him that I was upset that he didn't tell me that was possible, especially bc I asked... And really didn't do anything to elicite hitting.... I could tell he was pretty shocked and upset that his son did that. And I thought it would be pretty hard to admit something like that about your child. So I continued seeing him and decided to see how he interacts with him etc. I was terrified he'd hit my daughter sometime when they were playing or something (although he doesnt really play with other kids)

So I have asked quite a few questions, like what they're doing with him in school, what his mom is doing, if routines are somewhat the same, etc. The answer is usually I'm not sure. My bf will not even try to introduce a new food to the boy, says he'll just throw it. So he'll usually make 2 meals, one for him and one for the son, who usually gets a sandwhich, yogurt, peanut butter, crackers, cereal, chocolate milk, or french fries. One time, he made a sandwich for him, and the boy got up and went to do something else rather than eat. I was thinking ok, suppers over. But he'll let him get up come back, etc. He came back and was sitting at the table, he wanted something else. I think it was crackers. So bf got him crackers and said "whats the magic word?' I asked if he knew what he meant by that, bc he was not responding. bf said please or thank you or whatever to him, I repeated the word, and the child reached over and hit me. Again. Later, the boy wanted bf to make a NEW sandwich (he didn't want the one that was made for him earier....) and bf did.

Every time we take the kids out, my bf is a different person. Its like hes scared of the boy. Hes on edge and nervous the entire time, trying to avoid the next tantrum. Honestly, he doesn't have very many, but I'm not sure if thats because he's given everything he wants, and doesn't have many rules, etc.....

I kind of feel that he is playing bf big time. He understands everything that is said to him. I realize there are def limitations, but I feel as though bf just does whatever to avoid any tempertantrum. I have heard bf say he knows the boy is just going to grow out of it..... He may improve (and I really believe he can if he has the right help) but hes not going to grow out of this or even improve if nothing is done..... My concerns lay when the boy gets bigger than bf or hits puberty.... if he is hitting now..... I would also like to see different foods tried with him (if he throws it a few times, he throws it. he will then be asked to pick it up ;P) It just seems as though there are no rules at all, and he just gets what he wants when he wants to avoid his tempertantrums. My question is am I expecting something that is outside of this boys capabilities? I am by no means an expert in any of this.... I'm just trying to get as much info as possible and try to understand and educate myself. I'm just thinking about what it might be like if we move in together, what it will be like for my daughter (you have to eat whats for supper, but he can have crackers and cheese.....), etc. We haven't been together very long and I'd be stupid not to try to think about the whole picture.... I'm having a hard time with the boy running the show, but if that is truly what is needed for autistic children, please let me know. Thanks!

Yes and no. Autistic kids can have a stronger need for routine than other kids. They also usually have sensory issues that can make it necessary for them to be allowed to wear certain clothes, eat certain foods, etc. But that doesn't mean that a parent should just sit back and let the kid do whatever he wants. It's a balancing act - changing the things that need changing and can be changed, and learning to adapt to the things that can't be changed.
I think it's a big huge problem that your bf isn't being honest with you. Perhaps he's worried that if you know what his son is really like, you won't want to see him anymore. But that's not fair to you, especially since you have a young daughter who's safety clearly has to be your number one priority. I think you should take bf out to lunch without the kiddos and have a serious heart-to-heart.

OK here is my point of view, I hold the view that AS can be a problem in life but not an excuse to do as you wish.

I think that if your BF's son has hit you that it is clearly out of order, also please think of the safety of your daughter.

The hitting is not OK. You are right, something has to be done about it. That might be "training" him, that might be working out what triggers his violence and working with it.

A few thoughts from what you said.

1. Frustration of a child when their parent is in a new relationship is normal. I think this is actually a thing that needs to be taken into account in this situation, and is something you need to discuss with your boyfriend.

2. I do think it'd help you to research communication styles of autistic people. I say this partially because I think you seem open to this, and like you want to help, and don't know how. Talk to us, read our blogs. Listen to what we say about how hard it is for us to do things, and why we do things the way we do. Communicating with us can be hard, and learning how to communicate is a thing that takes both sides of a relationship. For example, in the "What's the magic word?" situation, I was wondering, whether he'd had enough processing time. While that one wouldn't cause it in me, I'll have situations where people ask me questions, then someone else asks a related thing and it just makes me run and hide because it overwhelms me because I'd not managed to process the first question yet.

3. You are right that hitting can't just be ignored. Figuring out whether its a purposeful or not behavior is important. (Or both, I know some children who do both, and while reacting, we need to react properly based on whether it was purposeful that time or not.) Figuring out how to show the purposeful ones are not okay is required. Figuring out how to reduce the situations that lead to meltdowns is required - whether that's by controlling sensory information better, learning how to communicate with him better, teaching him how to advocate for himself better, something else, or all of the above.

4. Autistic people are still people, autistic children are still children, and parenting is still needed. We are autistic, and this can't be ignored. We also still have needs like other people. We still need to eat. We still need to drink. We still need to be taught, because we don't learn by existing. Parenting is about teaching as well as providing. The teaching part is required, you are right about that. It also needs to be done in a way that takes into account the autism. Teaching someone how to identify their own needs. Teaching someone how to find ways to cope with situations others wouldn't need to think about. These are things that are necessary. But so is "don't lie" and "don't steal" and "don't hit", for example.

5. This one is a hard one for a lot of parents, so I'll mention it. Remember that autism is a developmental disorder. We develop out of sync with ourselves when it comes to what people expect. We don't reach milestones on time. There are phases that are not pleasant when they occur, but people are used to occurring in toddlers, so they're not bad. When they happen in a 10 year old, these are now horrible things that people don't know how to deal with.

Milestones are reached in odd orders. A 10 year old starting stealing things for fun is a horrible thing. A 3 year old isn't. But its actually a normal 3 year old behavior, and it's a thing that having developed allows growth in other ways. That was a delay, not a 10 year old becoming a thief and going to be a thief forever more. It's just really hard to deal with that behavior until the idea of why not to is able to be learned. (Not all 10 year olds reach that milestone then rather than younger, its just an example I have because I've dealt with that one. We all have our own order and speed.)

This is a tough situation. The child does need discipline, however I don't agree with hitting the child to teach that. If a seven year old child is lashing out and hitting adults, take away his or her privileges. He likes to play video games? Take that away when the child starts hitting and calmly explain why. There is always a more mature response to misbehavior than resorting to hitting a child.

It sounds like the boy is having a hard time adjusting to the new situation. It will take time and patience, and the boy's father needs to be the one to discipline his child for it to work. (As mentioned before these things should be approached with the knowledge, support, and understanding of autism.)

Thanks for coming here and keep doing more research on autism and parenting techniques. I wish you the best!

The problem isn't the boy, it's his dad. Dad doesn't want to discipline his kid. When he was married, he probably relied on the boy's mother to do that, so now he (a) doesn't know what to do and (b) probably doesn't want to do it anyway. Dads like being the "nice" parent.

Even if this boy wasn't autistic, you would still have a problem, because no child can learn boundaries if none are being enforced.

If they separated amicably, can you get in contact with the mother and set up a strategy with her and the boy's dad? Make sure you're all on the same page and make things easier on the boy in terms of routine.

Otherwise, I can say from seeing it happen in my family, that you might have to give up your boyfriend. People who don't control their children usually do that because they resent discipline and don't want to take responsibility for themselves.