My facts are really beliefs ... really?

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Just when I thought I knew everything about myself, I've had a moment of awkward revelation burst upon me.

I have been having another cycle of deeply unhappy upsets and conflict at work and ended up calling the confidential employee assistance service. I ended up talking to a wise sage in the hills one Friday afternoon recently. I had limited expectations other than a consoling chat. Instead, I went away with a lot to think about.

In our discussion I described how I always seemed to have a year or two of very difficult working relationships when I started at a new workplace. As we talked I described how I had a very particular mode of operation based on many years of experience in my particular field and that I didn't take kindly to being redirected or told I'm wrong about anything. My view is that I have been in my particular profession for 17 years and I know what I'm talking about and that just as I wouldn't tell a surgeon how to do surgery, I object to people who believe they can tell me how to do my job. Furthermore, I am totally sure that the quality of my workmanship is plainly obvious to others such that I should not have to "sell" myself or my ideas. My innate superiority (in my field) should not need "selling".

The wise sage said that he could see how I would have relationship issues if I held such strong beliefs. I questioned his description of my views as matters of belief. I see my views as 'fact' and not belief. He pressed the point saying that what I believed to be incontrovertible fact are actually beliefs. This went around in circular discussion for a while but the concept settled in eventually. Simply because I think of them as fact doesn't mean that they are fact for others.

Since the discussion with the wise sage, I have found myself wondering why people don't see the obvious (what I see)? Are they stupid? Clearly, the human race cannot all be stupid. This may all be plainly obvious to 'normal' people but for me it is deeply revelatory. I realise how absolutely arrogant and condescending I must appear to others. I'm realising that even if I have great ideas and many years of experience, I still have to "sell" myself.

I hate the thought of marketing myself and my ideas, but I see that I need to if I want to resolve the unhappiness and conflict at work.

I hate selling myself too. I love having a portfolio that I can show people so that they can see my work for themselves and judge whether it is what they are looking for. I'm not so good at the talking about what I do bit.

I've been through a similar realisation process. When I was in my early 20s I was very definate about everything. I am intelligent and I like to think things through, so I don't form opinions and points of view lightly based upon nothing and yes, I've had those moments where I've wondered why other people can't see what is so obvious to me.

But slowly over the years I've begun to realise that everyone has a different way to view the world. We are all unique. Then I read an explainantion of theory of mind a few years ago and that made total sense to me. I now try and consider things from other people's points of view and I think it has made me a lot easier to get along with.

Sometimes even when I know fine well that I am right I will not let the conversation get into an argument like I used to. I will just agree to differ and move on to another subject. Not everything is worth fighting over. I must say I feel a lot more peaceful now.

I'm NT, but I found this to be a difficult revelation. Yes, I need to sell myself, my beliefs, even my facts. I am a very intelligent person, curious and experienced. So I am often right about things where I have expertise. One of the things that made me feel better about this was realising that people have very limited attention and it's often focused on other things. Just because I'm the centre of my universe, doesn't mean I'm the centre of theirs. So I need to 'sell' to get their attention. Once I have their attention, I can then make my case.

Once I read in a novel that a man found his life changed for the better when he started responding to contradiction with "you may well be right". OK, it's just a novel - but I thought - heck, I'll give that a try. When I started doing that - even if only internally - things have gone better. I still argue my case if I think I'm right, but this internal and sometimes external monologue has changed my life, too. I'm not saying that they ARE right, just that they may well be right.

Of course, I work in the world of public policy - so I KNOW that both my 'facts' and the 'facts' of others are tainted by ideology - never mind pure opinion and belief. (Evidence abuse is rife! I do it myself - sometimes deliberately). Even in pure fact - there's always the chance of human error in collection, analysis and presentation of fact. We're all fallible. We need to recognise this in ourselves and forgive this in others.