Curious about a "social norm"

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My brother took me to eat at a little restaurant today and it's one of those little diner type places but you seat yourself. He and I have been there once before and I have also been there with my husband. Each time that I have been there before I have chosen the same seat at the same table. This time "my table" was available again. In fact, it was rather early so the place was pretty empty. It was between lunch and dinner time. There was only one other table being occupied when we got there and and it just happened to be right next to my table. I saw the people sitting there but it did not even register to me that they were actually people sitting at dinner. I just kind of saw them as sort of animated objects that did not bother me and that I really had no need to pay any attention to. I knew they were people but it did not register to me to pay any more attention to them and to why they were there other than just being movement in the background. But as soon as I pulled up "my chair" at "my table" Brother said, "No, Skibum, we can't sit there. If there is only one party in the whole restaurant you don't choose the table right next to them."

I had no idea to even think of this and I am just wondering if any of you would have known to think of it.

But we sat at another table and before I could get there he chose the seat facing the direction I always faced. When I mentioned it he asked me if I was going to freak out if I sat at the other seat and I said, "No, at least not externally." I decided to sit facing the opposite way because I knew that he would like me to try to expand my horizons a bit. I was even very tempted to switch seats with him when he went to the restroom to wash his hands but I figured I would just be bold and try. It was uncomfortable but I managed it okay. I even ordered something different from my regular burger and fries. He always encourages me to try something other than a burger. He could not decide between two dishes so I told him that I would try to be bold and that I would order one of the dishes he wanted to try and he could get the other and we could split each and have half of each. That was a big jump for me and it worked out. I really liked what he had. Stuffed cabbage with two vegetables in one dish and sausage and horseradish with two vegetables in the other. So it was a big day for me at the diner but it worked and other than being a little uneasy from sitting a different way, I did great and we had a great time.

But would any of you have known not to pick the table next to the other party? I know some of you would not have picked it just to be farther away from them but is that a social norm you would have known about? Just curious.

Last edited by skibum on 04 Nov 2014, 8:49 pm, edited 2 times in total.

That's interesting. I would sit at a different table, just to be further away from others. But not so far away that I would seem like I'm avoiding them. I am very self conscious and concerned about how others perceive me. I think it is a social convention, but I also tend to project my own weirdness onto others, so I could see it as just a "me" thing.

I don't frequent any one place often enough to have a favorite table or seat.

Yes, I both knew the norm and would choose to be further away on my own accord. The latter would be the more important reason for it for me.

I would not have thought anything about picking the table right next to the other party. I wonder why that social norm exists?

I didn't know it was a social norm. I would have sat a distance away, but I thought that was the aspie in me wanting to distance myself from strangers. Although the aspie in me would have argued that I'm already pushing my norms, at least let me face the same way.

You wouldn't sit next to someone on an otherwise empty bus, would you? Or stand next to a guy at the urinal when the next one down was free? Humans want to put maximum distance between themselves and strangers when doing vulnerable acts like eating.

I didn't know the norm, but I would have definitely chosen another table just to be further away from them.

Normally wherever I am, people will always come and sit nearest to me, if I'm the only/first one sitting. Like on the bus the other day I was the only one on, and wasn't sitting right at the front nor right at the back, just in the middle. And a woman with a noisy toddler got on, and yes, sat in the seat right behind me, so I had this kid fidgeting and shouting and kicking my seat for the rest of the journey. I didn't want to get up and move because it makes it look like I'm being funny. Also whenever I'm in a restaurant and there's nobody else in there, people will always go and sit at the table right next to me. If it's just some quiet people, I don't take any notice. But it's usually a family with about 2 babies, 3 toddlers, and some noisy kids. Or a bunch of obnoxious teenagers, shrieking and showing off, and making me feel uncomfortable. And I look around the restaurant and see all those empty tables, and these noisy people have to come and sit at the table right next to me. Happens so often that I start to wonder if people are doing it on purpose, just to annoy me.

Sorry about that, Joe.

I promise: if I go to a restaurant, I'll be real quiet

Seriously: I get what you mean. Sometimes, toddlers crying could be quite irritating. My solution: make silly faces at the kid crying--this usually works to stop the crying.

Oh goodness Joe, that is not fun.

Thank you all for your responses. They are so interesting to read. I was thinking more about it and it is curious to me that I did not really register that the people at the other table were really there in a sense because I was so focused on the spot I was used to sitting in. But I never really thought of it in the same sense of sitting next to the only person on a bus and I have never used a urinal but I understand what you mean by that. I don't understand why urinals are out in the open anyway.

But I thought, maybe this is actually not something that would be considered a "norm" like Skil mentioned. I don't really know which things are actually considered "Social norms" and which things are just things that people would intuitively do or not do. It gets confusing sometimes. I also think some of the things my brother teaches me are just his own personal take on things.

I sometimes go a to place with my former housemate and I have "my" table and "my" sitting direction too (not facing the crowd, but the wall) and I go and sit at my spot as long as it is not taken, in that case I have a second best spot, and when that is taken, I leave, as the other tables are too "exposed" to the crowd.
I did not know there was a rule where you cannot sit at your spot depending on the distribution of people around the tables.

I try to sit away from other people, preferably in a corner where no one will be walking behind me. I like to be able to observe everything that goes on around me without having to worry about other people looking at me.

Are social norms actual rules or just things that people intuitively do and don't do? This confuses me.

Not sure if social norms are intuitive or not. Mostly they come from "proper upbringing" ie, your parents and their expectations of behavior, then your friends and colleagues, bosses, etc. Either you adopt them by observation, or people might take you aside and fill you in on what is proper.

I had a public speaking class in college, and in the last week, our instructor gave us all etiquette lessons for negotiating a more formal business lunch, from meeting and greeting to how to properly eat soup.

I don't care what the social norms say; in situations like that, I would (and have) gotten up and moved. Even if there was nothing wrong with the person other than the fact that they were sitting right next to me, if a gap with two empty seats became available, I'd move to it so I didn't have to sit that close to another person. I don't see why a stranger should take offence to the fact that another stranger, about whom they know nothing, doesn't want to sit beside them. I wouldn't be offended if someone moved away from me.

I think I was sort of aware of the social norm that you don't sit next to somebody if there's plenty of space elsewhere, but to be honest, if I didn't have such an aversion to close contact with strangers, I wouldn't care that I was sitting directly beside someone else because they happened to be in the seat next to "mine" on the bus. I don't really see the purpose for such norms, unless everyone hates close contact as much as I do, but wouldn't want to move for fear of insulting me, so avoiding them is just a way of acknowledging that and being nice.