Should Asperger's be used as a crutch in some situations?

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Because of my Asperger's syndrome, I have delayed fine motor skills and I also have a mediocre rate of visual processing. Due to this, growing up as a little kid, I almost never was forced to do house chores and of course, my friends were envious of this. I am pretty spoiled still and I'm 16 and a half years old, a Sophomore in high school, with the independence of a sixth grader at most. I had to stay back in the year during the fourth grade because I apparently wasn't ready maturity-wise to transition to the next school. I still do not do most house chores (i.e. cleaning the house, washing laundry, vacuuming) but I DO sometimes feed my pets, I always try to make my bed, take out the trash from my room if it gets too full, PUT laundry in the laundry bin for my parents to throw in the wash later on, and I also have operated a snow blower (did an okay job with that). In addition, even though this isn't a chore, I practice driving with my dad occasionally. Even though I DO drive occasionally (with my dad watching of course), I still consider myself pretty "developmentally behind" my peers because unlike my two best friends who also are on the spectrum, I do not have a job nor do I feel comfortable getting one at this time. In all honesty, I think it's a combination of both laziness, anxiety, and the slow processing. Also, I tend to have problems with planning so that also affects my independence. I will even go as far to admitting (this is embarrassing but I know I cannot be judged because of the rules) that after 16 and a half years of my mom raising me, she STILL rubs shampoo in my hair on occasion, rinses it with the shower head, dries me with a towel, and cuts my fingernails/toenails. I CAN wash my hair without assistance but I've gotten so used to having my mom do it for me...and she seems unsure if I can do a decent job though without her assistance. I can also rub the bar of soap all over my body or rub it through my fingers (but I don't like the sensation of bar soap in my fingers that much) and also, I think I'm doing it incorrectly. I don't know if this is just in my head, but I FEEL as if I'm not rubbing the soap across my body the correct way. Again, my mom seems to be doing this better for me than myself having to do it. I CAN cut my fingernails but as for my toenails, that's a different story. My mom has to hold my feet while I flap my arms because I'm REALLY sensitive there (it's like an unpleasant tickling sensation) and she also has to rub the dry skin off. I've TRIED cutting my toenails, but I certainly can't do it without cutting the wrong way. Do I sound like I'm hopeless? I can't shovel the snow (I hold the shovel incorrectly and always end up hurting my back) so my parents have to do it while I sit on my bum and use the computer/iPad. The same thing goes with yardwork, I can't rake leaves because I hold the rake the wrong way. Also, I get tired very easily from doing manual labor. My parents say that I can try to earn lots of money when I'm an adult and have others do yardwork FOR me, unless if I end up living in a condo/apartment. I also cannot cook but I can prepare frozen meals and toast poptarts/waffles and instant nutrition milkshakes, and I can assemble basic sandwiches. The thought of me being in the adult world (living on my own, fending for myself, having a career, having to worry about budgeting) is unsettling to me and what's not making it easier is that my school is urging the high schoolers to start planning for COLLEGE. Yes, even though we're sophomores, second year of high school. Seriously, a MAJORITY of my peers including my two friends on the spectrum, have a job at Market Basket/Dunkin Donuts/the cinema, etc, and one of my friends on the spectrum got his license on his FIRST attempt. The only jobs I do are go to school, do homework, small infrequent housework, and study. Am I in need of growing up? Give me your BRUTALLY honest opinion, guys. I was diagnosed with slight Asperger's syndrome at the age of 9, and I also have anxiety disorders (OCD, treated panic disorder, generalized anxiety, paranoia) along with sensory integration disorder and some sort of motor planning disorder which all could potentially be affecting my independence skills. These reasons are why I cut myself some slack but lately I've been feeling like I'm becoming too lazy and dependent on others just because I have these labels. Should these labels be used as excuses and crutches to not do as much manual labor and not worry about growing up at the same rate as the majority of my peers?

The main thing I think is that you shouldn't get other people to do stuff for you, that with a little effort you can do yourself. If you are using the rake incorrectly - persist and learn the right way - maybe you're left handed and being shown how to use it right handed - it is not a hard tool to master. Tell your mum to back off - she is doing more harm than good looking after you like that - don't be afraid to make mistakes - that's how we learn. If you don't like shampoo - get a crew cut - never have to use the stuff again! (Haven't used shampoo for over 20years). Theoretically you will have to survive out there by yourself at some stage. You can earn money pushing a broom, swinging a shovel, or even raking. If people are out sweating through the chores while you sit back and relax, you are not making any friends - nobody likes chores but they have to be done and many hands make light work, and the sooner everybody can relax.

You must learn how to cook a few basics, ask your mum to show you how to do a roast lamb. That's always a good starter. I'm certainly no expert cook - but I can pull off a few basics that impress company.

Answer - AS shouldn't be used as a crutch, we have a different way of learning how to do things and figuring things out, and some stuff scare the chips out of us, but you still have to face it and get on in life. Don't rely on other people to look after you.

I'm actually right handed, and I don't mind shampoo. It's the feeling of soap that I don't exactly find pleasant but maybe that was something irrelevant that I included in my post. That actually doesn't bother me too much. I know at some point in my life I have to live and fend for myself, but I guess having everybody hold my hand all throughout my life has given me the impression that I can't. I know I can, but having so much assistance has made me feel incompetent. What's more is that I do things at a slower pace than others; I think it has to do with my processing speed. So that I also worry about. But you're right, I probably should tell my mom that I need to start doing these things on my own. Before I know it, it will become second nature within a month if I keep putting in effort.

If you have a disorder and it does prevent you from some things or limits your abilities, it is fine to have help in my opinion. Of course I do not think it would be ok to use AS as an excuse to avoid doing things you can do...however it is a disorder so it's not unreasonable to be limited in some areas and need some help. I am unable to hold a job with my aspergers and co-morbids, but I don't feel that's really 'using it as a crutch' if I could hold a job than I would.

There is no easy way to determine if you are using it as a crutch in some cases because with mental and even with physical disabilities, there are times when nobody but you will be able to ascertain for sure if you actually have a disability that is stopping you or if it is a convenient crutch. If you truly cannot master something like using a rake or cooking elementary meals, that would generally be considered a telltale sign that you are severely disabled and so you and your family would naturally have to evaluate how comfortable you are with that label.

You wanted brutal honesty, so here it comes.

You will never get anywhere in life until you make yourself learn to do things for yourself. You said you have slight AS, so I'm assuming you mean a very mild case. I'm assuming that the AS isn't why you don't do things for yourself. You need to stop letting your parents do these things for you right now. They said you can make lots of money and pay somebody else to do your yardwork when you are grown? Yeah, right. You aren't going to be able to make any money if you continue to allow your mommy to do everything for you. THey sound like helicopter parents so they probably will fight you tooth and nail to keep you in the baby blanket.

You need to force yourself to learn these things and do them over and over until you get them done right. Do not ever again let your mother wash you or your hair. And yes, you can be judged for that the rules say nothing about it. You can't be made fun of for it or spoken harshly to in the haven because of it, but we can certainly form opinion based on it.

You need to make a decision and make it now. You need to decide that you are going to gain your independence and that you will do so with or without your parents help. If they continue to discourage you from learning to do things for yourself then they may have some problems of their own to work out. Right now though, you need to realize that things won't be pleasant but you are going to have to get through them. You probably haven't had anything in life to teach you how to deal with something unpleasant, so it's going to be hard.

All I can tell you is to make yourself do things for yourself and start now.

I don't think "crutch" is the right mentality. If you take longer to do something, then you take longer to do something. If you're physically frail, then you're physically frail. I'm sure there are some chores that can be handled and could help out a lot with even 20-30 minutes for those who have trouble with others, and they don't necessarily need to be done fast. The sooner you at least start handling what you know you can handle (like washing your hair) the sooner you'll be ready to work on other things. Less for everyone else to do, too.

If soap bars bother you, a different brand may have a different texture or feel in your hands. Some of them can feel grainy or gritty which may be unpleasant, while others are smooth or unscented (if you don't like the smell). I used to sometimes get "natural" soaps that were a little gritty, but the smell and appearance of them was different from a plain white bar that just reminded me of chalk. I definitely liked them more.

Like these:

You have to be realistic about your abilities. You're not necessarily going to gain skills at the same rate as your peers. Don't keep comparing yourself to them, particularly wrt. jobs and driving. You're probably getting an unrealistic picture - naturally, you focus on those who have jobs and licenses ahead of those who don't.

By the sounds of it, you are largely capable of taking care of your hygiene. I suggest talking to your parents about letting you get on with that yourself. If you need reminders, then ask for them, but do the actual cleaning yourself.

Also ask your parents if they can teach you some simple meals. Steamed vegetables and boiled potatoes are fairly easy, for example. Likewise with laundry and budgeting.

Shovelling snow and raking leaves? These tasks aren't particularly important. I would suggest that you try practising them a bit more, but don't beat yourself up if you can't manage. You won't need to use them for several years.

If you need to take a year out before college (or go to a local community college for two years) to enable you to "catch up" with your peers, then do so. No big deal. The important thing is getting there, not how quickly you get there.

Well, yeah, why not? A lot of NTs often use little lies or ''milk it'', as they call it, to make life easier in some situations, so why can't we?

Just because they do it doesn't make it right, and if you're in a position where you can't even bathe or shower on your own you're only hurting yourself.

I think you are getting cant and wont confused...cant means the person is unable, if someone actually cannot do those things on their own it wouldn't make sense they are hurting them-self as people don't typically choose to be unable to do things. If they wont, but are able to than it can be only hurting them-self...but then there is a choice there.

There are things we need help with in life due to AS. I imagine you are capable of showering yourself and washing your own hair. One thing I learned is that sometimes it is easier for us to wash our hair if we 'see what we are doing' in a mirror. In our house, that might mean using a little watering can to wet our hair over the bathroom sink, doing the shampooing in the mirror, then rinsing off in the shower.

I suspect if you are questioning whether or not you are not doing what you could be doing, then maybe you're not. I think it's probably healthy for you to be questioning the level of dependency you have on your parents at your age, and it's possibly a first step towards gearing yourself up for some greater independence. Independence is positive (doing for ourselves). Interdependence is also positive and healthy (doing for one another out of love and friendship, and depending on one another out of love and friendship, with healthy expectations). Unnecessary dependence isn't preparing you for an adulthood full of options and choices based on having developed your own abilities.

Also if you don't like the way a bar of soap feels, try liquid body wash and a loofah or pouf. We use liquid body wash and a pouf, because it's fun to say pouf and it's way cheaper than bars of soap. We also have sensitive skin and can't use a number of soaps. Pouf!

As someone previously mentioned, only you can know if you are using your AS as a crutch. My teenage son also has motor planning issues and some sensory integration difficulties. I am afraid I am guilty of doing too many things for him, and he is lazy enough to allow me to But I really can't judge these things. There have been times when I am certain he won't do something and I push him and it ends up in a meltdown because he really can't do it, then there are other times, I won't let him do something because I am sure he can't, but then he shows me that he really can. Then, as is often true with sensory integration issues, there are things that he can sometimes do and sometimes not do.

You are a few years older than my son. My hope is that now that he is getting older, he will take more responsibility for himself. I guess that one thing that he has taught me is to make his little sister do more. For example, when he was her age, he never poured his own cereal and milk because I was afraid he'd drop the bowl or spill the milk, and that in doing so, he would not be able to handle it. I now realize she is just going to have to drop the bowl or spill the milk because it is not fair for her to not learn things because I am afraid she cannot handle making a mistake. She needs to know how to handle making a mistake. He needs to know how to handle making a mistake. So do you. So do we all.

Decide for yourself what you want to accomplish and then set out to do it. Be aware that you may not do things the same way that other people do them, but that doesn't mean you can't find your own way.

Thank you for your post. It has made me realize I really need to work harder with my son at getting him to gain more independence skills. And by "working harder," I really mean I have to hold back from doing everything for him, because how will he ever know what he is capable of doing if I don't let him find out?

Thank you everybody for your honest and motivating advice! Whenever I feel like I'm not confident enough to do something or figure something out on my own, I'll try to think back to your comments. I'm glad that my post even benefited some of you which is a pleasant surprise.