I could be a happy aspie if only...

Post Reply New Topic

My diagnosis of Aspergers/ASD a few years ago came as a terrible dismay and it took a long time to accept it. I didn't want to be autistic and hated the label. It's still difficult at times. I reached a point where I'm just fed up with the way my life is going, tried to accept the diagnosis and improve, but there's a problem. I'm not a happy Aspie...

What would it take for me to be happy? It seems so simple. To make something of my special interests, to have a job, to be successful, as far as people here define success. (career, family, relationship, knowledge, etc.) I could proudly say "I have Aspergers!" and be a proud and happy Aspergian if only I had a career, high education, and maybe even a family of my own. But it's so disabling these things feel so far away, like pipe dreams.

How did the successful Aspies do it?

They were probably working very hard or they have had an "jump" start. If you have family or a caregiver that covers the basics you can get successful pretty easily since we have what it takes to be really good in some careers and following a schedule of housekeeping.

Personally I would probably live a pretty successful life if there was someone who helped me to start the adult life because I just can't force myself to move out of my parents house and get a job. I know I am capable of working hard and taking care of my own house if I had one. It's just that I have no idea where to start, how to find a house and a job in the social jungle. I'm totally lost, the inability to predict and plan make me stuck. And my parents just tell me to "grow up and learn to do such easy things by yourself because everyone my age do and noone depends on parents anymore". What part of finding a job and house is easy? - I ask.

But I am still quite lucky. My parents helped me to join my university (which I graduated) and cram school (which I am going to graduate in a few months) so at least I can say I am successful when it comes to education.

You would be happiest, in my opinion, if you were able to keep a job and have a place of your own--while continuing to pursue your "special interests" without judgment from anybody.

Well, first, I didn't waste any time looking back or dwelling on "If only ...". Instead, I looked around at what attitudes and skills made for a successful person.

(And by 'Successful', I mean freeing myself from dependence upon others, getting a job that paid more than a mere living wage, buying a house and a car, and paying my bills on time - a basic middle-class existence.)

Disclaimer: Before I became homeless, I had earned a 4-year degree, all on my own, after my relatives practically disowned me for not seeking union work.

It's all about Attitudes & Practices

1. "I can do that, and I'm going to learn how it's done." I took jobs as a "Lawnmower Man" (I also painted lines in parking lots and worked as a security guard). This meant 6 or 7 days, dawn to dusk, covered in dirt, grease, and pollen. While this may have been "good enough" for my co-workers, I started reading the maintenance manuals for the equipment. One day the boss watched me take apart a dead leaf-blower, repair a broken part, put it back together, and start using the leaf-blower. He took me off the field crews and stuck me in the service shop (his garage), where I worked 9 to 5, 5 days a week, repairing whatever the field crews broke. I also earned twice as much as I used to as a field person.

2. "Yeah, life's a bay-otch, but at least I'm alive!" Sure, acknowledge the setbacks, but get back to work -- I've shown up to work with sprained joints, fevers, headaches, and even a knife-wound to the chest; sure, it sucked to have to do my job with all that pain, but I had a job to do and I did it; and certainly, I had every right and reason to take time off and nurse myself back to health. But I kept my focus one what I could do, despite what was wrong with me. The boss saw that, and made me his assistant -- more pay, more responsibility, and I traded in my efficiency apartment for a 1-bedroom walk-up.

3. "Here, let me help you with that." I never let even the dirtiest work become something that I avoided. If one of the field crew didn't show up, I went out and took his place, voluntarily. When trucks needed loading or unloading, I was there with gloves on, slinging tree stumps and cord-wood right along with the rest of the crew. My co-workers respected me for it, and the boss notice this - another raise. I started taking night classes at the local college that would prepare me for post-graduate studies.

4. "Here, let me show you how it works." I started training one of the smarter field workers in small-motor repair. Pretty soon, the boss put me in charge of most day-to-day operations (everything except PR and payroll). My new assistant had a knack for both mechanical and electrical devices. We started taking in repairs for other landscaping companies -- more revenue for the boss, more respect for me.

5. "My job here is done." One day, I had to tell the boss that I'd received an offer of a full-time position at the university. He was upset at first, until I showed him that his repair shop (now with two full-time workers and a part-time runner) could practically run itself. We made an agreement that he could still call on me if the work started piling on, and that if I had "nothing else to do", I could always come back.

I went to work at the university and applied these same 5 principles there. Later, I enlisted in the military, and applying those principles while on duty helped me earn a few promotions. Once out of the military, I leveraged my training and honorable discharge (not to mention the subsequent MSEE degree from uni), into an engineering position.

So, from homelessness to engineer. Not bad, when all I was initially shooting for was a steady job and a place of my own.

I'm not saying that this will work for anyone else, and I'm certainly expecting a lot of replies like "That can't work for me", "You were lucky", and "Yeah, but what if ..." and so forth. When you start looking for obstacles, you will find them; but if you just get to work, you may find that those obstacles aren't so big after all.

Note: A typical "Horatio Alger Story" is not one of "Rags-to-Riches"; but if actually read a few of them, you will find that H.A.'s stories were usually more like "Rags-to-Coveralls" stories -- people finding their dignity, not in wealth, but in ordinary middle-class labor.

I despise having Asperger's, but I guess it could be worse. Some NTs I can't connect with, but there are lots of NTs that I can easily connect with. I think those that I can't connect with very well with is to do with them not being my type and I just don't have a lot to say to. And I am glad I can read non-verbal cues and I have good theory of mind. OK sometimes I make a mistake and may misinterpret something or perhaps not thought about something and have acted like I'm expecting people to read my mind, but this doesn't happen often, and anyway I have seen NTs make this same mistake too, because, after all, we're all human. But it is not an issue that affects my life, is what I'm saying. It's just a mistake I make every now and again, usually because I have other things on my mind or something. But generally my social instincts are pretty good. The only thing that holds me back is lacking confidence. I am too polite, too empathetic, and too nice.

But another thing I'm glad about, as an Aspie, is that I am self-aware. Now I know people here will often say ''oh you might think you're self-aware, but you're probably making an idiot of yourself all the time and not realising it, simply because you're an Aspie''. OK now that sounds rather scary. But also inaccurate, because I have proved lots of times that I know what I am doing socially. Just sometimes I get a little too carried away, and also I can be stubborn, so even when I know people are getting bored or whatever, I still sometimes carry on until somebody actually tells me. Then that makes me stop in my tracks. Although this usually upsets me when people point out a quirky habit of mine, I still see their point and it does help me socially improve each time.

Last edited by Joe90 on 05 Nov 2014, 10:00 am, edited 1 time in total.

I would say that happiness might come from knowing your limitations, but working your strengths and interests as hard as you can to become as independent as possible. Then keep yourself from comparing yourself to others, to both NT and those on the spectrum. And don't let the judgement and opinions of others get you down.

What is worse is having other people comparing you to others. My SO always brings up the book "Pretending to be Normal" by Liane Holliday Willey, as a shining example for me to follow towards a happy and successful life as an Aspie. While ignoring how vastly different my life has been from the author's.

Last edited by grbiker on 04 Nov 2014, 8:51 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I guess in a way I'm lucky in that I had no choice but to make things happen for myself.

No diagnosis to make me feel I had a label to fit.

Put in Children's homes then a home environment of such abuse that you would never want to stay there, so I joined the Navy which lead to a successful enough life for one so disadvantaged that I can be proud of myself.

I know that if I had been told I had some sort of disability and loving parents who would look after me for life, no way would I have managed to push myself to achieve anything.

It might sound cliche and untrue, but learning to not compare yourself to others and to not live up to other's (or society's) expectations will go a long way toward having happiness, or contentment, or a personally meaningful life.

Humans (AS and NT alike) only need certain things to truly be happy. A lot of whats prescribed by modern society, however, is very materialistic in nature and definitely not it.

For me, trying to focus on what is meaningful to me personally (my special interests) is what brings happiness. Like a light switch, if I spend time on them, I am happy, and if I ignore them or spend too much time in the world of NTs (society) then I become depressed. In fact, when I first started getting in touch with my special interests and following them, the urge to conform and be like how people/society expected me to be diminished.

I used to focus on what society wanted (and did so for years with very little personal happiness as a result), but at this point my job/career and education are only means to my special interests. And I wouldn't necessarily need either to do what is personally meaningful to me.

+1

+2

@Kirlae - You're very fortunate to have your parents help you get into university.

@kraftiekortie - That would be ideal, but it's not where I'm at right now. I'm aiming for it though!

@Fnord - Your situation is amazing. My first instinct is to excuse my limitations as to why I can't do what you did, but I won't do that. That's not why I'm at WP. You have some very practical advice. Thank you!

@Joe90 - You're fortunate; I can't connect with most NTs and I've been told I don't know what I'm doing socially...

@grbiker - Not comparing myself to NTs and other Aspies is tough. :/

@Nambo - I'm glad to hear you overcame your beginnings. I personally think not having a diagnosis is preferable to having one...

@NaturalProcess - I hope to turn my special interests into a career. Part of society's expectations is that I either fail or don't shoot for the stars--being significantly disabled means nobody expects anything from me and I want to prove everyone wrong.

Everybody has limitations; but it's the people who overcome them or work around them who have their own success stories.

Again, while there certainly are people whose limitations would overwhelm anybody, most so-called limitations seem to reside solely in the imagination of the individual, and not at all in reality.

Well, in that case my imagination has beaten me. Even my own brain is against me.

^^^ BINGO

Each day, work towards what you want.

Acceptance can be a protracted process and take a long time. Maybe you aren't there yet. One of the places on the way to acceptance for many of us it seems, and certainly was for me, is a grieving process. For me this meant that once I had identified and mourned the losses, I was able to enumerate and focus more on the gains - past, present and future. I still have occasional bouts of grief sometimes, it's a process not a singular experience. However they are infrequent and usually nudge me in a new direction or toward a new perception.

There is only one way, really, for you and all of us to succeed in life: play to your strengths.

Believe me, you have strengths, and they are the launching pad.