Should I lie to the assessor?

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I was screened for Asperger's today and the guy said it was "very likely" that I have it, and he wants to proceed to the full diagnostic assessment. The waiting list is about six months, "or longer". So I have a lot of time to think about the following dilemma.

My parents are pretty conservative. I once brought up the possibility that I may be autistic in the past and they both blew up in anger and denial, particularly my dad who is actually a medical doctor and knows a little about it. They totally did not support me trying to get an assessment. About a year ago I was diagnosed with dyslexia and my parents really struggled with that knowledge, my dad still flatly denies the diagnosis and maintains that it must be wrong.

The assessor wants my parents to fill out this massive questionnaire about my early behaviour and is quite pushy about me asking my mum as she is the more sympathetic person out of the two. The problem is I don't have a good relationship with them when it comes to this stuff, even my poor mental health, particularly with my dad. I think my mum would maybe fill in the forms for me in a perfect world but she would definitely not keep it a secret from my dad (neither of them know I'm pursuing it at the moment) and my dad would definitely not let her do it alone in that case. I know my parents very well and my dad in particular is so against me getting any kind of medical label that I would not put it past him at all to outright lie even if he did fill out the form to try and limit the chances of being getting a diagnosis (as he does know a bit about autism he could reasonably do this in a way to jeopardise my diagnosis). I didn't really have the time or confidence to go into a huge discussion about my difficult relationship with my parents in the 30 minute screening appointment I had.

I can fill in a small amount of the early years info myself based on things I have been previously told by my parents in conversation or things that I can remember. I have my husband as an informant for my present behaviour and we have been together a few years now. I know I have always been this way for as long as I can remember. I also don't have any other family who could fill out the early years info as I didn't grow up with any extended family nearby. Do you think I should just lie to the assessor and say my parents refused and not ask them at all? It would save me so much stress. Or any tips on extracting info from them without telling them what it's for, like in conversation maybe (not very good at being subtle...)?

Other people may disagree with me and are welcome to their opinion.

I find myself saying that alot of emotionality is pent-up, in the mystery of the unknown.

A formal diagnosis gives you the benefit of appearing objective, statistical, and not like a malingerer.

But, you might also make clear what more is expected of your parents, if anything. For instance, does this represent a social or financial liability for them.

If not, your way of thinking has a name, and you can go on with your life, knowing that.

You get an I-told-you-so, on your side of the scoreboard, and, let's face it, probably wouldn't want it to get any more pedantic than that.

If you are old enough to be married you are old enough to get the assessment without your parent's involvement. I did not trust my parents to be accurate in telling my assessor anything because my parents are also in the medical field and were showing many signs of denial and suffering from "we raised a perfect child so there is no way anything could be wrong with her" syndrome. So I told my assessor that exact thing and said that it was best for them not to involve them.

What I did do which was really phenomenally helpful for me and which my counselor and psychologist thought was brilliant, is that I read Tony Attwood's book The Complete Guide To Asperger's Syndrome twice and on the second reading I copied and pasted every paragraph of everything he said that applied to me and wrote exactly how it applied to me. I had all sorts of stories from my childhood and from present day. I also included pictures which showed the Aspie stare. But what I found is as I read the book, story after story came to my mind as I related to each thing and remembered what my life was like. And writing it and giving it to them gave them a very good picture of my life from little kid to present. And that way I could just give them that rather than having to answer questions and possibly having anxiety mess up my answers or make me forget important parts of my childhood. I also gave them a copy of Tony's book for those in the office who had not read it.

This way they were able to do a very thorough assessment and they did not even need to contact my husband, parents or brother or the person who had originally told me that I was on the Spectrum. The notes provided such a huge window into my life that it really helped them make a solid fool proof diagnosis. They also did a full battery of comprehensive tests that took almost 8 hours. But I really recommend you do the notes like I did with that book because the book itself is so comprehensive.

What point is there lying to the assessor? The above seems good advice to me.

If you are ASD, but the assessor's report card says you are NT, will it make you function better in life?

Tell the assessor that your father has told you that he will not support your pursuit of diagnosis. I was lucky in that my Mom was totally supportive and even met with my psychiatrist, but my late father was the opposite. He thought it was just weakness of character.

I am curious as to why a parent would try to deny something in their child without even going through the process of inquest. I'm sure this happens a lot, but it seems like selfish behaviour to me.

I had the same question because when I first found out I was on the Spectrum and that I had Misophonia I told my parents and they went into denial right away. I did not understand why but I was told that often parents have denial because it hard for them to accept that they created and raised a child who could have significant issues. I was told that it makes them feel responsible or like they made a mistake or something and that can be hard for them. I guess many parents have this dream of having "perfect" children and it takes a toll on them if there is something they consider "wrong" or "imperfect" about their child.

Some weird parents about. Perhaps it's time for me to show a little more appreciation to my mum, because she did fully support me in going for the autism diagnosis. She wasn't given a questionnaire, but came with me with to the assessment, where the psychiatrist quizzed her closely about my early childhood.

If it had been left to my dad, though, it would've been a lost cause. Not because he would have been angry at not having a "perfect" child, but because he's in denial about so many things. He certainly would be in denial about my childhood. Plus he wasn't a father to his 4 children, so what would he know about us, really? He spent his entire time trying keep us away and have my mum to himself.

Anyway, in your situation, TC, I think honesty is the best policy - except with your dad. He sounds like a controlling bully, tbh. And your mum sounds like she is too much under his thumb. That said, I would start by approaching your mum. Get her alone for a couple of hours, tell her about the questionnaire, and ask if she will fill it in without telling your dad. If she refuses, then I would be honest with your assessor about why you don't want your parents to fill in the form. You should be able to get in touch with him via email or phone, although a face-to-face appointment would be better if you can arrange that. You cannot be the only person whose parents can't/won't fill in the questionnaire, so let him suggest what to do next.

You are what you are!

Skibum - Well, compared to everyone else in this thread I seem to be lucky to have my mum, yeah... :-/

She is in denial about a couple of things, mostly about how my brothers treated me in childhood. But other than that, I think she really does accept me as who I am. If she wanted a "perfect" daughter, she was doomed to disappointment from almost day one of my life. Luckily she's not one to care about 'success' - she's almost buddhist in that way. So the fact that I've failed my life matters more to me more than it does to her.

Yeah, I think moms are always kind of deluded about how siblings treated each other growing up. My mom is an amazing woman but sometimes I think she was out to lunch when we kids were messing each other up! It's amazing how she remembers things so incredibly differently from how I remember them.

What skibum has said is a great advice and I would suggest you do it that way as well.
If your parents are really against a diagnosis, I would ask if you can leave them out if you do proper research and make collections of atypical behaviour of your childhood time instead.

Don't take offense in this, but to me, it seems like your parents are actually ashamed. The reasons for this seem fairly simple to me: "Obviously nothing was wrong with our child, so why should anything be wrong now?" Straight denial because they don't want to face the truth, which is not a rare thing to happen as I have discovered during my time here on Wrong Planet. Parents wish that their children are perfect because any flaw present in their children (as was mentioned here) is a flaw that stems from them, either by doing (fatal?) mistakes in raising them or on a genetical basis. Obviously, they don't want to feel like they "wasted time" or could have done better, they don't want to have the impression they failed in their job as parents. So indirectly, if you get an official diagnosis stating "I am flawed and not perfect", your parents will almost automatically project it on themselves and their self esteem will be hurt which is why they are against your plans to get a diagnosis and why they deny this possibility, as harsh as this may sound.
But in fact, it should be just a matter of time until they realize that they're just trying to fool themselves. Sooner or later they will have to acknowledge that something is "not right" - otherwise you wouldn't have even been at the screening after all.
But if they prefer to live a lie, that's of course their choice.

Good luck in advance! I hope you'll get the answers you have been searching for.

It's amazing how my mum's friend - who wasn't over at our house a lot - noticed that my brothers treated me nastily, but my mum claims to have never seen or heard a thing... >.>

I think in her case she just doesn't want to acknowledge the guilt, much like the other parents didn't want to acknowledge that their children weren't perfect specimens of humanity.

Thanks everyone - I wasn't expecting so many replies!

Yes, my parents (in particular my dad) have always been a little obsessed with me being 'normal'. The person that used the word 'ashamed', I agree that is what it is. Especially with regards to my mental health. When I first told my parents I had depression and anxiety about two year ago (but I had been receiving treatment for about a year before then and had definitely been suffering for years earlier than that), he demanded that I tell nobody else, like it was some kind of dirty secret. And then proceeded to tell me that I don't need anti-depressants and when I insisted I did, he changed tack and said they don't work. :S

Just to be clear about my age - I'm 21, so a pretty young wedded adult.

Skibum, the psych did ask me to type up a list of things that I have difficulty with that relates to Asperger's, and your answer kind of gives me a platform to do that. I will go ahead and buy the book. I have heard of it but haven't read it.

Thank you everyone for your opinions, gives me a lot to think about. Also sorry to hear that some of you have also had difficulty with your parents when it comes to diagnosis.