Just filling in my time

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I am not depressed however life on the spectrum is a challenge.

To be honest I am just living my life as trouble free and comfortable as I can.

I have no ambitions for the future and I will feel relief when the grim reaper comes calling for me.

I am on the Aspergers part of the spectrum and I know a lot of people with classic Autism will read this.

Autism sucks regardless of functioning level or the label we choose to put on ourselves.

I am not depressed or sad posting this I am functioning better right now then I have ever done in the past I just know that it will never be good enough to fit in.

I do believe in God and I will continue to try my best in this life right up until the natural end.

The purpose of this post?

I am guessing quite a few of us might think like this well I have said it.

I've had those thoughts run through my head many, many times.

I've kinda reached a place where I look at it this way: "God made me this way for a reason, who am I to question his wisdom".

So - when I am dead and gone and before my maker and he asks me: "What did you do with your life?" I think my answer will be: "I tried to understand the true wonder of all your creation".

I've often thought life is one long blah and then you die. Many times I've thought life's a complete freaking b*tch and isn't worth living. Lately I've been thinking more along the lines of there's more to life than death, so I guess that's an improvement. I don't ever think I'll be one of those people who say life is totally freakin' awesome!! But there's no reason why I can't enjoy at least some part of it while I'm here 'filling in time'.

Yeah, I feel like this frequently: killing time until the day I die. I don't even believe in God or an afterlife to give me any solace for the suffering I have endured in this one.

Having autism really does suck. There are other mental illnesses which suck as much, but autism seems to predispose you to quite a few of them, including depression, anxiety, OCD, schizophrenia, etc. To me there's been no benefit from it. So yes, I relate to your post.

Thanks sharkattack. Yeah it was from my heart.

I know.

I understand. Being around people, interacting with them, I'm beyond poor at it. So any true consistent enjoyment of life is hard to be had. I feel like I fail everyone that relies on me. Making it nearly impossible to feel confident, let alone accomplished. Instead I feel guilty and vulnerable.

Sharkattack, I have had similar thoughts as well. Like NiceCupOfTea, I don't believe in God or an afterlife. Which is sort of sad, because (according to my view) this is really all there ever is. I even talked to my therapist about these thoughts (I used the term “emptiness” to describe them).

Interestingly, I never attributed it to Aspergers. I suppose because I just learned about Aspergers last year and I have felt this way (that feeling of relief when the grim reaper comes calling) since I was young.

...Hm .

trying to fit in with NT's is going to lead to a life that feels pointless.