Shocked By The "Aspartners" site

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I've been browsing the ASpartners forum, and every post I've read so far is negative. One was basically saying that there are no happy NT+AS relationships. It seems to be a site where most of the advice is to get out of a relationship if you're NT and your partner is AS. Many posts also infer that abusiveness is part of AS. I agree that if you are in abusive relationship to get out. However, they are warning others not to get married etc to someone with AS, because the relationship will turn ugly- I think this is wrong. Reading all the negative posts is depressing. By the way, I'm diagnosed with Aspergers.

That's just human nature. People experience something negative, and they want to get into a group to commiserate with people who'll validate their hurt and anger by agreeing with them or sharing their own stories. Eventually some of these groups just become echo chambers for people to complain and make sweeping generalizations in support of their "conclusions", or they become attached to their victim status and the drama because it gives them something to do.

That's very insightful. Thank you ( if that sounds sarcastic, it's not meant to be ) Hopefully it doesn't reflect the majority of NT+AS relationships.

It's terrible. Long thread about it here: viewtopic.php?f=3&t=258721

You're probably not going to hear about the good ones on a website like that.

I agree with everything you said. Now... not to be overly condescending... I honestly want to help with this ok?

The writer implies; the reader infers.

This is how you remember the difference.

Now you've gotten me to go to that site again and I've found this thread, some of the replies to which have now REALLY infuriated me:

http://forums.delphiforums.com/aspartners/messages/?msg=13419.1

The reply from xxx is the one that specifically angered me but the first parts just irritated me:

Yes, leave the nasty aspie, that's a common reply in that forum anyway. So not too surprising.



No honey, Aspergers, along with classic autism, PDD-NOS and CDD have been folded into a single diagnosis of Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and was a decision based on scientific research intended to give those people better access to support, not less.



Yes, I know. Special needs children are sub-human and therefore don't deserve life. Seriously? I have scarcely seen anything more narcissistic than the s**t I've just read in that paragraph above. A parent's role in a parent-child relationship, regardless of what kind of child it, IS essentially a caregiving role. Do you want to know why? Because the WHOLE POINT of a parent child relationship is to take care of the needs of the child until that child is old enough to take care of him/herself. It is not the f*****g responsibility of the child to give emotional validation to the parent. Jesus. Obviously a romantic relationship with a partner is different but then the dynamics are obviously different from a parent-child relationship.



Oh wonderful. So we don't want to love someone LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE, (nor are we capable of doing so, apparently), all we want is a caregiver? I hope I don't have to explain why it's completely and utterly wrong to say that aspies aren't capable of love, and that's a hurtful thing to say anyway. Also, what the f**k is wrong with assisting someone with things that they have difficulty with if you love them anyway?



Idiot. It's not we can't meet their needs but it's about communication. Sometimes you have to tell us what your needs are instead of expecting us to read your mind.



I've got news for you, "Prince Charming" doesn't exist. Also, relationships are about two people. They're not about "you".



I like how she enjoys putting "relationship" in scare quotes. f**k that b***h.

I don't think you should visit that site.

The people there are not being rational and they are full of hate. I am aware of the existence of a variety of hate sites around the internet: white supremacists, black supremacists, neo nazis, islamic supremacists, christian supremacists, and so on. I make the choice not to expose myself to their thinking because it isn't interesting and it makes me unhappy without influencing them at all.

The world is full of both delightful and horrifying things. To focus too much on the nastier side is not psychologically healthy.

The people on that site are full of hate and mostly full of crap, best to let them stew in their own filth and get on with your life.

Aspies are not welcome there. Yes, they have some wrong ideas about what Aspergers is, but I can't imagine what they are going through. In addition to autism, those guys are abusive, insensitive jerks. I just hope they know that's it's not a necessary aspect of the condition.

I have visited that site too - and came away quite depressed. I will say as heartless and unreasonable as those comments are and though I would not give up my admittedly rather mild autism for the world - there is no denying that not everything about autism is flattering. If you break down the world autism from it's roots:

"auto" means: self - so autism means "selfism" - So by definition there is a self-centered to being anywhere on the spectrum from the most mild Asperger's, HFA or level one type to the most profound, low function and totally withdraw Level 3 type. It is a good idea to try to keep an eye on our own natural "self-centeredness."

But I do agree that these people are feeding off of each other and are not being at all rational.

I've already made this point several times in the other thread, but I cannot emphasize this enough: most of the people posting there do not know if their partners actually have Asperger's or not. They admit this, and some have stated very plainly that they don't care whether the label is accurate or not, they are going to use it anyway.

That is good to know. I was surprised recently when I found out that there are a lot of people - perhaps based in part on some very bad "journalism" who think that having Asperger's was synonymous with being a borderline sociopath - someone absolutely incapable of feeling anything for anyone except themselves. One of my old friends didn't think it was possible that I could have Asperger's because she thought I was quite nice and that I had feelings for others.

With that kind of bad information out there - no doubt some spouses are just going to think that their intolerable husband or wife must have Asperger's - even though they have neither any evidence that they do or any understanding what Asperger's, HFA or Level 1 ASD even is.

Yeah it seems like a lot of people think that, and it's weird because it's such a total misunderstanding of what AS is. I think bad journalism and representation in the media has contributed a lot to that. But I think the real source of that misinformation is doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, etc. who misunderstand autism.



Many people here have been told similar things by doctors and psychiatrists and other professionals. Or turning it around, some people get treated like they can't possibly have real feelings for others if they are already known to be autistic. It's kind of scary how prevalent this is. Also a huge part of why it is such a struggle for people to get diagnosed properly.



Yeah it's kind of understandable that some of the people on AS Partners came to those conclusions. But once they have done enough research to know better, very arrogant and irresponsible of them to continue spreading misinformation. And I think most of them over there are aware of the good information about autism that is out there. They just think that they have the real story on what Asperger's really is, and that anyone who disagrees with them is in denial.

One woman over there was told by multiple sources that her partner sounded more like a psychopath (or narcissist? I forget which). She was told that there, and she was told that here too. But she denied that possibility, insisted it is really AS, and the group rallied round her to support that conclusion.

I saw another one who said her husband had drug-induced dementia, but she thought it was really untreated Asperger's. There are lots of examples like that, if you look deeper and read closely, some of them admit their partner actually has some other issue. But they keep insisting it is AS anyway.

FWIW...

NT/AS relationships take triple the effort to work on both ends. Not all NTs are heartless jerks and not all Aspies are blameless angels.

I've been in NT/NT relationships and it takes a lot less effort , but that doesn't make better. Makes sense because with AS/NT our brains our wired different. My body language says information my husband will never just "get". There is so much more talking I have to do. It can be tiring.

All that means is you better lay out what you expect from the get go. It is very rare to be that blunt in a NT/NT relationship.

A lot of NT partners whine. Hard to separate whining from real issues.

If I felt the way 90% partners do on that forums, I leave my current relationship. Life's too short for that mess.

Actually I would also tell the OP to leave her partner. She is trying to make an effort to work it out and her partner is refusing to work it out too. You cannot change someone. How long can you wait for someone to change and how many chances can you give someone to change? I was in this sort of relationship with my first one where all he wanted to do was play his game and didn't even bother to be independent and I did try to help him but he always had excuses to not due it. Before anyone calls me an ass, it was everyone who kept telling me what a jerk he is and even my own aspie friends were telling me the same. Then I finally left him after being with him for two months and my health got better again and I could finally function at work and not tune out of the world anymore forgetting where I am and forgetting someone was talking to me they have to keep repeating to make me hear them.

It's a two way street and it takes both to work it out. If one is unwilling to work it out, then the relationship is doomed and the other person will be miserable. One shouldn't use AS as an excuse to put up with all this and be all depressed and have anxiety issues. If it's so much work for the guy to change and make an effort to help out, then maybe he shouldn't be in a relationship or he needs to find someone who doesn't mind being alone and doing everything herself and doesn't need him around because they both like to be alone. Maybe they are not compatible.

I basically agree with this as a general principle, but I am really uncomfortable with people giving that kind of advice on a website when they've never met either partner. All we can go by is her brief description of what is going on. And because using the internet is so impulse-driven, people sometimes post things on websites when they are frustrated, when it does not reflect how they usually feel or think about the situation.

It's a bit different if you know the couple in person, and you can observe how they are together...but still, not always possible to have an objective view of what is going on, because you don't see what goes on between them in private. Plus people tend to sympathize strongly with their friends and sometimes want to villainize the partner if they are going through a rough patch. Sometimes a couple works things out, and then they end up dropping the friends who interfered and made judgments.

Anyway that poster did not ask whether or not she should end the relationship, she asked "how do I deal with it?" and she also described feeling very overwhelmed, which can distort one's perspective and make it seem like others are not being cooperative when they really are trying. But I agree if the guy really does have a "complete unwillingness" to help her (her words) she should probably ditch him.