What Am I

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I know I'm not neurotypical. But there has been some talk about the spectrum and if it includes everyone. (eg. "Everyone is on the spectrum.")

But I'm not sure where I fit into this. I have the coldness of a sociopath, but care anyway. I refuse anymore to respond when I have no response, just for the sake of verbal exchange. Sometimes my mother is driven to yell at me because of this, but I just can't do it. It costs me too much to be fake, especially with her.

I am chemically enhanced. Too many to list, but without them I would curl into a ball of pathetic crying.

I am jobless, dependent and losing friends. Is there a purpose to my existence? I'm a financial and emotional burden, but so are lots of people. "I could have been someone." "Well so could anyone." (citation)

Anyway, it's Christmas, so I guess there's hope.

"Happy Christmas me arse, I pray God it's my last."

I don't see sociopathic/psychopathic tendencies in you.

I believe, if someone is in trouble, that you just might give the person "the shirt off your back."

I just think you feel that things are spiraling downward, and out of control somewhat--and you're disconcerted about that.

I feel there's still hope, though. You're far from a lost cause.

I understand completely and feel like I'm hanging from a thin thread, at the moment. Still, I keep trudging forward. Stay strong and know you're not alone.

It is that time of year for a lot of us to retreat down a deep hole of self-destruction and despair.
We should plan some type of regional get together (like a Christmas party) around this time of year.
Getting all of our negative psychological energy together in one place is bound to do something.
When you're at the bottom of a hole there's nowhere to go but up.
As aspies we have a very real experiential knowledge of what it means to be "alone", but the same thing probably holds true for having "hope" as well. Otherwise, why are we all still here?

Some of what you describe may be effects of another defined condition that comes along with being aspie.
Recently I found a lot of relevant information while reading the descriptions and links under SPD.
It seems that certain conditions pit the conscious and subconscious against each other in a destructive battle that may be very hard to become aware of.

It's not psychopathy or sociopathy, but effects of the brain trying to filter out overwhelming and/or painful input from the subconscious.

link
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_p ... y_disorder

Yes. Well put!

"Sometimes, you think you don't have hope, but you keep on anyway. And then you know you have it."

I would help if I could. And I'm affected by what I witness. But there is this coldness to me too. I calculate everything and if necessary can be quite distant. I just have trouble reconciling the two sides of myself.


Schizoid Personality Disorder - I looked it up. Interesting. My subconscious is for sure unsettled. This could be distracting me and making it hard to deal with things.


Me too. I feel like it's only a matter of time before I snap. Christmas makes me angry. Why don't people just be kind and generous and spend time with their families all year long. It's so artificial. Well, it can be.

Good point.

I wouldn't like to say that you are a sociopath/psychopath, though I don't know you.

All I do know is that your mind can and will play terrible tricks on you if you allow it to. I went through a terrible phase about 20 years ago where I too thought I was some kind of psychopath. I am a bit cold sometimes but I wouldn't do harm to anyone (not even a wasp).

It turned out that I was severely depressed and I was enduring psychotic episodes.

I was diagnosed with schitzotypal personality disorder (or something along those lines) before I got diagnosed with Aspergers.

Anyway, not too sure whether that's any help to you or not. I'm not big on the old advice front but I wish you well.

Are you animal, mineral or vegetable ?

I think this is what is going on with me.


Soylent Green.

Interestingly, I was diagnosed with Schizoid Personality Disorder when I was 15.

When you speak of being "calculating," I think of you having to navigate a tough life; one cannot be an idealist when one has to ride dangerous waves. You have to be alert, aware--and you have to anticipate the "moves" of others.

In your case, it's a survival mechanism, rather than "coldness."

I think you actually have a fine sense of humor.

If you were cold, you wouldn´t care. If you were sociopatic, you wouldn´t mind being fake with anyone. You´re just being honest, but it makes your mom nervous, because she thinks, she needs you to act according to social conventions.

As Kraftiekortie said: "You´re too troubled". You are depressed and in despair. Would you consider going to the doc for help? - and show him, what you wrote here?

As you say yourself: Anyway, it's Christmas, so I guess there's hope.

Last edited by Jensen on 10 Dec 2014, 3:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Could be. That sounds very familiar, especially anticipating others' behaviour.

I last saw a psychiatrist in August and he said I was handicapped in daily functioning, specifically by anxiety and depression. He said I could come back for a follow-up in 6 months time, which would be January. So I'll go back in the new year. But it makes me question myself and my judgment. Like, what part of me is me and what part of me is autism or possibly psychosis.

One of the hallmarks of autism - at least aspergers, is a low threshold for anxiety and depression. Another one is the difficulty communicating for the sake of communication. Aspies prefer a subject in order to see the point.
As Kraftiekortie and others have mentioned: Navigating in social contexts takes a lot of intellectual work, when you don´t pick up social signals intuitively. The strategy is anlyzing all the time, so of course, you can calculate. You have to in order not to get into trouble, - but that doesn´t make you "cold"/callous.
Does that make sense? Try airing this to the psychologist.

"what am I?' Is a thought question. The answer; what are you when you are not thinking, when thinking stops? non thinking creates no "I" to question. Does a dog ask itself such questions? Or a fish? Animals are content just being themselves, no question needed.

Just be. Don't waste time worrying what you are. Too much thinking. Too much mind. No mind. Be.