I have been through more evaluations than I can count since first grade. Even in kindergarten I had issues, but nothing was done. My grandmother told me that my teachers told her and my mother that I was going to have problems in school. My mother denied it, saying my grandmother was lying. I missed the year after kindergarten because we did not live in the city schools jurisdiction, and the school my parents wanted me to attend was less than a mile from our home. As it was at the time, I would have to ride the bus to a school farther away, but my parents did not want that. Therefore, they kept me out for a year. During that time, I learned to read and learned basic math, but I was grossly deficit in social skills. I did not know how to play with kids, even in kindergarten I felt strangely out of place and I probably acted up--I don't remember much now since that was over 50 years ago and my teachers are now dead. What little I remember about first grade, I was also disruptive and didn't know how to act with the other kids. The truth is, no one knew what was wrong with me. All my parents did was deny, deny, deny. They were angry when they had to take me to these appointments, saying if I would just behave myself, it wouldn't be necessary. When I asked why I had to see all these doctors, no one told me anything. My parents said they didn't know--it was the school that wanted me to see them. All they knew how to do was lie and deny. When I asked my mother why they lied to me, she offered no explanation.
I have been diagnosed with Major Depression, Schizoid Personality Disorder, Avoidant Personality Disorder, Simple Schizophrenia, and Residual Schizophrenia. A pediatric neurologist in Atlanta said that I had "some peculiar neurological and emotional disturbance", and that I was "very odd".
Several years ago, when I was transferring my records to my current doctor, my mother read my file. She laughed at and made fun of my psychological reports, calling them a load of bull. What she does not realize is that doctors and teachers are trained to recognize disturbing behavior in children. Any child that does not get along with his/her peers, does not want to participate in extracurricular activities, and who prefers to be alone is not normal and needs to be evaluated. On my last visit, I told my doctor how much this bothered me. He said that he tried to tell my mother that I had serious issues, but that she just didn't understand--I don't think she wanted to. When I was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome, she told me she didn't want to hear about it.
In later years, during my college and technical school years, my teachers suspected something was wrong with me when I could not find suitable employment. When they saw how I interacted with my peers, they told me that unless I got some type of treatment or intervention, I would never get a job in my field of study. And they were right--I never got a job in my field of study. I have been fired from every job I have ever held since 1991. Every time I tried to get help, my mother stood in the way, saying I didn't need treatment. What was she thinking? The three times I tried to commit suicide, including my first one in 1978 while I was in college, I received no treatment or counseling. Why? Were my parents really trying to sabotage my life? Why did they not want anything done? My mother told me that psychologists and psychiatrists were not real doctors--but were quacks.
Years of therapy have failed to help me become employable. I am beginning to have doubts about psychiatry--first of all, because it is not an exact science. There are no medical tests to diagnose mental illness--X-Ray, blood tests, MRI, etc. It seems like using the DSM Manual to group behaviors and then guessing a diagnosis. I may be wrong, but that's the impression I get. I wish that I could just be a regular person and not need psychiatric drugs. These various diagnoses have ruined my life.
I don't know where to turn or what to do. True, the medicines keep me stable, but that's about it. I want to feel good about myself. I am a complete social outcast. No one ever calls me or comes to see me. I want to get a seasonal job, but I don't know based on my work history.
Anyone out there have any ideas
26 Apr 2008, 5:11 pm
