Parents wanted to buy me a place to live, I said no

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All, this has been eating me up inside all week. I visited my parents a few days ago, and they brought up something they've been dropping hints about for a while: they want to buy me a condo or loft apartment in the city to live in. I currently rent a place. I don't think they've ever liked me living there much.

But I turned them down. I just couldn't do it. I have my own dreams of the place I want, but that's going to be years from now, when hopefully I'm successful and I've found love, and we can afford it. I feel like accepting this place now is just acknowledging that I'm not going to find anyone soon, and my dreams are just delusion. I feel like it's cheating, taking a short cut to a reward I haven't earned and don't deserve (yet).

Not to mention, since it's my parent's money, I feel like they'd be calling the shots in choosing the place, that I would have no say because who am I to be choosy when I'm not paying?

And ultimately I just don't feel that I deserve this from them. So many aren't that lucky, don't have what I'm being offered, and I feel that I'd be a hypocrite if I accepted their generosity. I want them to save their money and not waste it on me. And I want to make it on my own, without anyone's help. I feel that every day I live in that place I'll be a fraud. That people who visit will see it and believe I'm actually successful when it's all a lie, that i just make a middling income, and my parent's got it. I'll just be another fortunate kid. I don't want that. I want to earn all I get, not be given it.

But I'm afraid I've hurt them. I haven't heard from my mom since I passed on their offer. I feel like there's no way to win. If i say no, I hurt them. If I say yes, I live in shame having given up my dreams for a place I don't even want or deserve. No matter what I feel awful.

What should I do?

Can you have open discussions with them? If so, tell them just what you so eloquently said here.

Cheers, Dave

And BTW, if you were my kid what you just said would make me very very proud.

Cheers, Dave

I would take the apartment, provided it isn't going to cause your parents serious financial problems.

I have a friend who's parents could work out how to separate out £60,000 that they'd accidentally kept putting into an account after separating. She used it as a deposit.

Another of my wife's friends' dad wants to buy a house with his savings and rent it to his son and his wife so that his savings are safe - if he dies before they pay him back he'd rather they have it than it go to inheritance taxes.

Taking the flat doesn't mean you're not successful, it means that your parents are able to support you and are choosing to do so. Neurotypical people's parents, where they are able, do this too.

To stop my mum getting half of a flat owned by my dad after they split, my grandparents bought him a house. He's never officially bought it from them years on and just pays rent.

If anything, it's a financially sound decision - you can dedicate your savings to other things, if they want you to rent it you could do this by cheaper rent (i.e., rent that isn't also going towards a profit) and if not you could save for your own home in the future, so that you are able to buy the home of your dreams (or purse strings) if/when you do become successful.

Where I live, it's pretty much impossible to get on the property ladder without parental help. My view is that there's no point struggling where it can be avoided. But if you don't want to just be a fortunate kid for moral reasons, that's fine but I hope this helps show that it doesn't mean you're failing.

I don't think one has anything to do with the other. If you want to accept the place it isn't acknowledging anything other than your parents' generosity. It's not a statement about you, or what you are or are not capable of, and it doesn't rule out your hopes and dreams in life coming true.




That might be awkward. It can only work if they understand that you are going to choose where you want to live. And if they are trying to use this to manipulate you into living where they want, maybe it's not a good idea.

But I would bet that what's behind it is they just don't like seeing you spend money on rent when you could be saving it, or putting it to some other purpose. Plus maybe it would ease their minds knowing you have a place that is yours where you can't be turned out if something bad happens and you are unable to pay the rent. It has nothing to do with your ability to be successful - anyone can lose their income due to illness, accidents, or injury. Life can hand anyone bad luck at any time, that's why you take the good luck when it comes your way, to balance it out and/or prepare for the worst.




I don't think it's anyone else's business if your parents help you out. It doesn't matter what they believe. And if they are nosy enough to pry into it they should know better than that and keep their mouths shut.

Lots of people accept help from their parents, inherit money or property, or marry into money or property or in other ways gain something that they didn't necessarily earn for themselves. If life hands you an opportunity, and it doesn't hurt anyone, there's nothing wrong with taking it if you want it. If you don't want it, there's nothing wrong with that either.

There are some deeply irrational beliefs there. There is no relationship between your parents' offer and your dreams.

There is no game that you are playing with rules, rewards or deserved or undeserved things. Those ideas are part of a kind superstition or magical thinking. The real world doesn't have those things in it.

I think you should take the place and don't give up on your dreams. You should explain your irrational feelings to your parents and apologize for hurting their feelings. You should thank them for being kind and take their gift. Later, when you buy that dream house, you can sell or rent this place.

You should not be ashamed of good fortune.

Yeah, I think you've over analysed the situation and that the other posters here are right. I assume your parents would be buying the apartment in their names, so they get the advantage of any capital improvements in the property and you get what you want, which is to stay living independently of your parents, without the anguish of having to find the rent each month. If you really want to branch out from your parents, you need to save up enough money to buy your own apartment, but this is too much for a lot of people. The proviso is whether your parents have the money to buy you a place, or whether they are putting themselves at financial risk to get you a place. You wouldn't want to have that on your conscience, but otherwise their proposition to me makes sense.

Yup, but that is why I was urging the you to talk this through with them. Maybe what your parents want to do is to invest in a condo, and you living there for a while is a win/win for them, or maybe they want to buy as an eventual retirement place for themselves that they can get now with (hopefully) lower prices. Anyhow it needs to be worked out with all expectations on both sides aired. Hopefully that would help you decide what is best for you.

Cheers, Dave

There is nothing wrong with accepting the offer your parents are making you. Its completely normal practice for parents to want to pass on their wealth to the children before its done via a will. Having said that, talk it through with your parents and don't feel rushed or pushed to act quickly. Take your time and work through the idea and then do it. Whatever you do, be responsible with what your parents give you; that is the greatest respect you can show them. If you can, pass on what was given to you to your children, and if you don't have any or want to have any, discuss that with your parents and ask them what they would do if they were you. Of course, that is assuming the having of children (or not as the case may be) is not a sensitive topic in itself.

In my case, I have nothing to inherit from parents. I see many others around taking everything they get and so many squander their financial opportunities.

Quit feeling ashamed that your parents want to help you out. I'm sure it would please them to do that. And guess what the best way is for you to pay them back? Say you have some kids and who knows they have some kids too? Then you turn around and do what your parents did.

Seriously, this is how many cultures used to work primarily. People were very thankful and benefited from the previous generation, then they built upon that and gave back to their own kids, even their siblings and cousin's kids too. In my family we rarely sell land and because of that many of my family members are benefiting from homes they didn't buy themselves. It isn't a shameful system, it's a wonderful system and we take pride in doing it. It is a great way for a close knit, loving family to work.

That may also mean that we don't just trade up for better houses like so many other people and things take considerably more time, but you can't beat having over a dozen homes in your family that have been paid off in full. Also it's a huge load off of your shoulders when you are ready to retire (no mortgage or rent). I couldn't be happier that I'm going to have so much more free money when I retire, because what I might have been paying in mortgage has gone into a deductible Roth IRA.

Honestly I look around at other Americans and they seem nuts to me, always trading up for a better and better house, not content with what they have and leaving less and less for the next generation. The home I live in now used to belong to my great aunt, and when she fell into her dotage stage I moved in with her to take care of her. It's weird to me that other families bicker over stuff like this and consider it kind of even predatory ("swooping in and taking advantage of an elderly person to block others out of the will"), in fact everyone else in my family is glad that I was willed the home.

Seriously, the amount of financial help this could be for you, can go towards helping someone else. Towards providing a good life for a woman sooner and building a family. Eventually towards annuities that can be drawn from after you're gone. The best way you can respect such a generous offer from your parents is to build a great life with it, be thankful, and help others.

My parents bought an apartment for my brother to live in. He's not on the spectrum, just crazy and chronically unemployed. I don't mind. They didn't put his name on the title. They just let him live there rent free. I warned them against it as owning a property might affect his eligibility for disability benefits. Plus if he divorced his wife might claim half and he might end up homeless again.

I suggest you write a heartfelt message to your parents accepting their generosity, but tell them you're not ready to settle down yet. When you're ready in a few years, you'll be thrilled to have their help. Many parents help their NT kids with wedding cost and down payment nowadays. You really don't need to feel too guilty.