Does anyone else do this?

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When in a mid to large group of people in someone's home or something everyone's just chilling, smoking or whatever making small talk. ...

I just go completely silent. It's like I have nothing to say at all in the conversation. It's not that I have nothing to say! I'm full of many many interesting ideas and things to talk about. I have many things to offer.

I just don't, I don't know I'm not good with the Smalltalk. I'm not inept or anything. I just, I don't know it just doesn't happen. I always feel like just awkward. And I know while I sit there quieter people will start to notice it and I will feel even worse. I don't know why I do this. I just can't think of anything to say. I'm always worried about what I say will sound wrong or offensive or it won't be appropriate, whatever. I realize this website is about these things. But I am new to this website and I've never really talked about these things before. I guess It's been too painful. I have to say, if and when I do open my mouth I seem to overshoot it. I don't know what this means or why it happens but I figured out it's better to usually just be silent. What I'll say will come out completely awkward for some reason, everyone will just stare at me. I don't know why this happens I'm just being"Normal " like I see everyone else is doing. It's like I come on too strong or something, maybe? That is the only thing I thought that could've occurred to me. But any thing else just feels like acting, like i'm just acting and really really regulating myself in someway. I look around others and I don't see they do that so much, they don't seem to have to ask. They just seem to be.


These are some of the things people have told me in the past: it's just like you don't have a personality. You seem really quiet. What's wrong you were so withdrawn? Sometimes you're awkward to be around. Why don't you say something? Just talk with more people!


Somehow last night I got sucked into hanging out with my neighbor friend downstairs, who we are really cool with one on one. But whenever I going to his house they're all these strange people there who have we have nothing in common. It just seems so awkward to me. I think even if I was typical it would be awkward. But it's almost painful sitting there like running a marathon or something. Why would I do this for fun?...

Smalltalk is work and I have to be in the right frame of mind to do it OK.

If there's a bunch of people in a group yapping away I'll often just shut-up and let them talk.

I think social meetings are problematic for a lot of folks here, me included. I can handle a dinner table with about 6 - 8 people. Any more than that and I'm a silent nervous wreck. I never seem to be able to join in the conversation or even care about their topics.

Sounds like social anxiety to me - you want to say something but you don't because you are afraid it will sound awkward.

I am also usually silent during social gathering too but I am not silent because I am scared but because I have nothing to say or I am simply not feeling right (I often end up in a shutdown due to sensory overload caused by too many people speaking at once). Instead of participating in conversation my mind either goes blank, I escape into my imagination, focus on my smart phone or eat whatever seems tasty - without paying much attention what is being said. I can't keep focus on multiple topics at once anyway.

However if I actually have something to say I will say it... and it is often ends up like this:

Someone: ... and in the car was 6 people!
<I recall related memory>
Me: When I...
Someone: I honestly can't believe so many people people fit in the car...
Me: When I was in middle sch...
Someone: ...and how come police didn't catch them?! Really that's just...
Me: When I was in middle school we were going to swi...
Someone: ...Well, I guess they were just lucky, unlike my husband. He recently got a ticket for parking in a wrong place. He was driving me to a shop center...
Me: Ok, nevermind.
Someone: Oh, sorry. Did you want to say something?
Me: Not anymore.
Someone: C'mon, say it. We are listening now.
Me: It's out of topic now.
Someone: Just say it.
Me: Fine. I wanted to say that when I was in middle school we were going to swimming pool classes using sports class teacher simple car in 7 people: 4 at back and 2 on pasager seat - it was taking 2 turns to get all girls in my class to the swimming pool.
Everyone: <awkward silence>
Me: I told you it is out of topic now.

I am a discussion killer.

Oh yes, I hardly ever take part in group conversation, I generally avoid it because I can't keep up with the rapidly-changing subject matter or butt in at the right time, and even if I could, I'd be at risk of data-dumping if I grabbed a speaking part. When it works at all, it's been in small groups of calm people I feel good about, and it also helps a lot if it's not a purely small-talk social situation - if it's a group with some common practical purpose then I often feel more at ease, because there's less awareness of the social dimension, my silence is less noticeable, and the subject matter (the purpose) is better defined. I think hearing also comes into it. I can't pick up what people are saying if there's too much background noise, and the larger the group, the further away the voices are, and that means they can't hear me so well either, unless I talk loudly, which I don't like doing.

I don't avoid group conversation just out of social anxiety. Boredom is also a factor. The last situation I was in, I managed to say a few things without data-dumping, and blended in quite well, but there's a limit to the interest I can feel about random subjects.

What is "data-dumping"? ....Is this what I think it is?


I do that too. I'll like overcorrect and go from nothing to completely exuberant about something; almost like i've found a chance to fit in, and people will notice it and "jump back", and I often get weird, bemused stares. And then I'll start rambling off information about a subject and won't/don't know when's too much or when to stop - it all "feels" right, to me. But to others it may and often is too much. I've got this.

It sucks. I can do what you do, too. But I have to not be my natural self - and it takes a lot of self regulation to limit or modulate myself so that I don't "data dump". It often comes off (to me) as fake and very tame, calm, empty; but for others around me it comes off as completely normal. and they start warming to me - a fake me that isn't real - that I have to practice; like a second language, which is unsustainable. And you can't build bridges on something that won't/doesn't last.

A very strange world we live in here.

I have a really hard time injecting myself into a conversation even if I have something substantial to contribute. I need to be invited into the discussion or I will not contribute. That applies even among other fellow Autistics. They can sit there and chat up a storm between each other and I just sit there listening and rarely speak.

A month ago there was a social gathering with 4-5 Autistics at a coffee shop. One of them were going to travel to Hawaii for vacation so they started to talk about Hawaii for 30 minutes. I just sat there and didn't say a word. I have lived in Hawaii for six years and probably knew a lot more about that state than everyone else there combined. Yet, I did not speak up!

In another meeting, they started to talk about the Middle East and the civil wars in Iraq and Syria. They were confused about the whole situation and they couldn't really figure out what was going on. I just sat there and didn't say a word. I know A LOT about this particular situation as it's a special interest and I also do political and military research about the Middle East for a living. Yet, I did not speak up!

I have SO MUCH information stored in my head. I just can't get myself to share this wealth of information even if it applies to the situation at hand.

I don't participate in verbal group discussions. It doesn't work. I'm either running two or three sentences behind the conversation, trying to get the words out and miss my turn, talk when other people are speaking, trail off mid sentence, whisper, say something irrelevant or something that sounds stupid.
I have great conversations in sign language with my deaf co-workers.

Very true, man. Is there a chat room here? I thought that there was. ..would be really helpful.

I go really shy if I'm in a room with people and most of them I don't know at all. I just sit there silently, maybe smile or laugh a bit when they're all laughing and perhaps make some other facial expression to show that I am friendly but shy. I think of things in my head I could say, but something makes me feel afraid to say it, in case I don't get heard or something. Sometimes I feel afraid to hear my own voice when in a group of people I don't know or hardly know. So I just sit quietly. That way you can't go wrong.

But I do hate it though when people suddenly say ''you're quiet!'', even if it's in a friendly sort of way. I just get embarrassed. I'm like ''yeah....I am quiet.'' At times like that I often wish I was naturally chatty and extroverted and knew how to be part of the group and be heard without feeling embarrassed or shy or anxious. But I know that there are NT people out there with that same problem. Not all NTs are loud and extroverted. There are some who are very shy. I like it when there's another really shy person in the group who sits quietly. I can feel more relaxed.

I zone out when other people are talking and miss about half of what they say. Or else background noise drowns out the words. I spend so much time trying to figure out what I missed that I'm always a step or two behind in the conversation. I can't seem to talk fast enough or find the right fraction-of-a-second opportunity to speak. If a lot of people are talking they just talk over me. A lot of the time I don't have anything to say anyway because I can't relate to what people are talking about.