One sided relationships

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Hello! I'm currently on a waiting list for ASD assessment and just trying to figure out what is "me" and what is a "symptom" so to speak. (Not the best language).
All the literature my therapist has given me says aspies have trouble making friends.
This has never been a problem for me because all you have to do is be nice to me and you're my best friend for life!

The problem I find is that the friendship is very one sided and I end up waiting for people to "catch up" with me in terms of the affection and loyalty I contribute. Often they don't realise they're my friends until I tell them - then they think I'm some sort of stalker.
Is this a common thing? Hopefully you can figure out what I'm asking. Thanks.

I lik people like you---but many people feel skeptical, in this day and age, when people are "too" friendly.

What I would do: continue being yourself--but don't do so many favors for people. Let people make friendly overtures, too. Watch out for people who take advantage of you.

I, myself, wish there were more people like you.

It often (not always) takes quite a while for me to make friends but I've had "friends" most of my life. The most difficult thing for me has been keeping those friends and knowing what is okay and what isn't (for example knowing what's ok to talk about, how often it's ok to contact a person etc). I think friendships are really difficult to define and I often have a hard time knowing who are my friends and who are merely acquaintances. A lot of the social relationships I've had have been rather one-sided and I've often felt that I contact other people but they never contact me. I think I'm a bit naive sometimes and I tend to trust people quickly once I like them. I feel like that's rarely mutual tough and sometimes it can get really bad because people can take advantage of that (which has happened to me).

If you were to ask me how many friends I have right now I'd tell you I don't know. I really don't know. Zero? One? Two? I don't know. How do you define a friend anyway?

(I hope that wasn't too off topic. Just wrote what I thought of when reading your post.)

Through my whole life I have only ever had 1 good friend at a time. Sometimes they last a couple months and some have lasted a year. They never seem to hang around and tend to drop me. I am very troubled by this as I do t have a clue why?

There are a few people in my life whom I would consider my "friend."

I don't really confide everything to them, though--hence, they are probably not my "best friend," "BFF," or whatever they call it these days.

It seems that you have an extroverted and sociable personality. The stereotype for those on the spectrum is introversion but I imagine there are many who want to be friendly and sociable but lack the social intuition to form strong, reciprocal relationships. I have the impulse to be sociable and friendly but I find it difficult to deal with the complexities of a relationship because I have to cognitively work out what to do rather than just knowing how to behave. This is the most difficult aspect of being on the spectrum for me. I want to have friends and share my experiences, thoughts and feelings but it is just so difficult and stressful.

I think just wanting to be sociable is a valuable trait because we can learn better social skills. There are people who simply don't want to be friends with anyone. That might be easier in some ways but obviously not in others.

You remind me of some commentary I read on Pinkie Pie.

http://teygrim.deviantart.com/art/Pinki ... -251110533

I think the commentary was in the comments of the article somewhere, but basically the autistic part is independent of being friendly, it's the fact being so readily to accept someone as a friend is a sign of not exactly understanding what a friend implies and whatnot and thus a symptom of autism. So to answer your question, yes, it is common for autistic people to consider someone a friend who themselves doesn't consider them a friend, though the opposite is often true, I'm very cautious to consider someone a friend, basically I consider those friends who consider me friends.

I often find that many people with ASDs have trouble knowing if a person is really their friend or if they are just an acquaintance, and I am thinking this may be the case with you. It can be tricky to know the difference though. Many people with ASD tend to think that the people in their life are closer than they actually are since they don't have much experience with friendships.

I made the following for someone I know with AS who often had trouble making these distinctions and they have gotten way better at it as a result. Maybe it's something you can try out. Hope this helps!

When a person is your friend, they will do the following:

• Invite you to get together and hang out (apart from the places they will usually see you)
• Talk to you and respond to your attempts to talk to them
• Give you their contact info and ask for yours
• Text message you, social media message you, email you or call you just to talk or catch up
• Respond to your texts, messages, emails and calls.

When person is an acquiaintance, they will see you during specific times and places in a group setting (class, group, school, family friend etc.) but they will do the following:

• Not invite you to get together or hang out (apart from where you usually see them)
• Not give you their contact info or ask her for yours
• Not reach out to you through text, social media messages, phone or email
• Not respond to your texts, emails, calls or or social media messages
• Not accept your invitations to get together or hang out
• May put off invitations - i.e. say to you yeah, we should do that sometime but not follow through

Anneurysm, I have that problem with not knowing who's a friend and who's just an acquaintance. Questions: what if the person often (not always) responds to text messages etc and we've hung out outside of university about three or four times but that person aren't ever the one to contact me (I'm the one who contacts her)? Is she a friend? Or what about a person who contacts me sometimes but we only see each other once every few months?

I don't think I have the social capability to sustain a friendship. I struggle to interact with immediate family, never mind any somewhat extended. Yet I'm not really introverted either.

rebbieh: For person #1, you have to consider her personality. If she is shy or introverted, she may not always take initiative in contacting you, but it could be that they are lacking confidence to take initiative rather than actively ignoring you (as an introvert, I can attest to this). Missing the odd text message could also mean that she was busy when you sent it and when they get to it they may feel it's too late to respond. But the fact that you have hung out outside of the place you usually see her (university) and you have gotten together with her repeatedly, this means she is a friend.

What is more important is the quality of her responses when she responds and how she reacts to you when you get together (i.e. is she treating you in a positive, friendly way or ignoring you/being snotty/giving one word answers).

You can also have friends that you don't see or chat to too often but you do catch up every so often. Person #2 is a friend even though you aren't getting together regularly as you are still making plans to hang out.

Anneurysm, that itemised list could help in future! I like things to be defined
I spoke with my Pastor a few months ago and she was the first one to ever speak about "friendship levels". (Of course this is noticeable all the time now that someone had mentioned it).

I never really knew they existed and assumed relationship was correlated with interaction.

Since this ASD idea has come up, and after the discussions I have, it turns out everything I know about everything is upside down and inside out.

I love being with people but can't handle more than 1 at a time without just "turning off". That seems to be the opposite of what the people I want to be friends with want:(