likeability

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In "Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for Adult Asperger Syndrome," Dr. Gaus makes some interesting statements about likeability.

She sets the context a bit by noting:

Dr. Gaus goes on to discuss the likability dimension this way (I am leaving out some interesting stuff which is well worth reading--if you are interested it's available on Amazon):


Later, after an interesting discussion touching on several aspects of looking weird, Dr Gaus goes on:


Reading this, I realized that this has been something I have been working on for the whole of my adult life. I try to show an interest in other people and share experience. I try to be optimistic and share my sense of humor. When I succeed, I am much happier for it. When I fail, I just keep trying. I found reading this very interesting and looking at some of the associated dysfunctional beliefs and rational frameworks for working through this area of life really enlightening.

I wonder if this idea makes sense to others here and what sort of experiences people have had with recognizing this aspect of themselves and working on deficits in this area.

The likeability thing makes much sense to me, as others have told me what they find likeable and unlikeable in a person, and what they found likeable seemed like people who show interest and share without dominating and say funny or interesting things and don't appear too tense and aren't too sensitive, and what they said about unlikebable was opposite of these. Besides those who are obviously mean, the most unlikeable characteristic seems to be ignoring others or having nothing to say to others' social overtures, which might eggsplain why this one preschool teacher really didn't like me when I always ignored her.

Last edited by btbnnyr on 28 Dec 2014, 8:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

That would be my therapeutic style, should I become a therapist.

It's all very well going on about "likeability", but if you can't do those things then you can't do them. It's better to work on caring less if you really can't fit into your culture/community/family, or whatever. For example, I am absolutely rubbish at making small talk: it's not lack of willingness or at least not entirely - I just cannot do it. My mind literally goes blank. In the past I would make an effort to engage in conversation with people, but it never resulted in sparkling, scintillating conversation: usually the precise opposite. A common tip for shy people is to ask the other person questions about themselves. Have you tried doing that in reality? If not, then take it from me it's a rubbish tip. It might work for a couple of minutes, but then you either run out of questions to think of or you risk sounding like an interviewer or interrogator: not a vibe you wanna give off for relaxed chit-chat. Plus if you're not genuinely interested in the answers, it almost certainly will show in your tone of voice and facial expression.

Nowadays I don't bother with talking, unless it's somebody I feel comfortable enough with to talk to: the people who fall into this category are few and far between. Don't get me wrong: I'll say "hello"and "okay thanks", when asked how I am - but I won't bother trying to make conversation beyond that. It's less painful that way for both of us.