aethra-
I almost think it's like that, but in a different way. For me, it's like thinking you have a headache, then a stomach problem, then lets say you feel a little "weak." These are the "symptoms" of a bigger problem, each has it's cause, maybe they cause each other, like a chain reaction, or maybe they manifest each other when parts of the body begin to have problems. I don't know, but when you describe a "flu," all these problems present themselves.
OK, now, before I read about AS, I thought I was "depressed" in a way, I did not understand the world, and never seemed to "fit." Well, thought that suited, and never thought much bout that, didn't even think I should be "treated" for it, cos well-why couldn't I fix it myself, you know? Anyway, there were times I'd be running like a son of a gun, I'd have a "mission" of some sort, that, well, could be described as a "manic" phase-this "thing" my mind was on HAD to be finished, and I expended much in the way of effort to get "it" done. So I figured I possibly had a funny case of manic depression, or was "bipolar," wouldn't have been such a far stretch cos my grandmother was. (Am starting to wonder if "manic depression" is actually a symptom of asperger's with a name and ignorance of the other signs of AS. Hm.) Ok, now what about my emotions? I was depressed for much of my life, and always wondered how I could be so different-I did not cry, did not laugh, did not "know" how to interact "naturally" and well, had to "think" about everything. I figured "something" in my head was missing, possibly I was a "sociopath," as a TON of stuff really didn't move me at the time. Then I had things that did move me, to extreme anger. Hm, wonder if I'm insane? Being alone in your thoughts for long periods of time can cause this line of thought...
Anyway, when I discovered AS, I was pretty frickin amazed. Every one of my "explanations" for myself over the years was rationalization, a way to live the next day without having to constantly wonder (which usually failed-I always "wondered"). Now, AS is known to me, well, everything is clear. I've only listed some of the things off top of my head, but the way this "fits" my life story is enough for me. I was "hesitant" at first, in assigning my "wierdness" to AS, didn't wanna get too hopeful. Also, seemed like the "perfect" excuse for many of my "unsavory" traits. However, I've come to accept it as part of me, and have become aware of many of the things that HAVE to be fixed, and also many of the things I should be cultivating.
Personally, AS is like my signature says. It doesn't have to be a "true disease" or syndrome, or be "real," it's already done it's magic in me, and I feel TOO GOOD. I always felt the freak, and now, well, I don't. If they decided AS isn't real, wouldn't bug me, I've learned who I am, and that I'm "acceptable." That's been my problem throughout my entire life-feeling as if I was unacceptable, despite many people's attempts to sway my thoughts otherwise.
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Still grateful.
"...do you really think you're in control...?"
Diagnosis: uncertain.