how come off as friendly and nice to NT's?

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I don't get it. People do not think I am nice. I never talk about people or say anything mean to anyone. I say please thank you etc. However, people always seem to have an issue with me/ think I am being mean. How on earth do you let NT's know that you are nice??? Am I missing something, what am I supposed to talk about to let them know I am friendly and open??

The best way to seem "nice" to NT's is to make them think you are interested in what they are saying to you.

Give them a proper eye contact. Make them believe that you're listening to them.
Smile. But not a creepy-smile.
Use the correct tone of voice; it's about HOW it says not WHAT is says. Don't use monotone. --THIS
Be 'expressive' enough - maintain body language and facial expressions. Use your hands and face but never overdo it.
More white lies. But not enough to be a flirt. Don't be too blunt.
Maybe a change of clothing - be presentable. Some clothes are off-putting by stereotypes.
Don't over-gait, and don't always cross your arms. Or appear sulking. Or appear angry.

That's the things I end up knowing for now. It varies where you live. And I cannot specify HOW to do these things...

It doesn't matter what are your true intentions; it's all about the impressions that they kept 'getting'. Because they consider it as a 'clue' for 'who you "really" are'.


If it's not the body language, it's something else then.

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the only way i can be nice to people is to be polite. politeness is something that was intensively drummed into me when i was a child by my therapists.

i can not seem friendly however. i am not interested in other peoples lives much, and i can not be bothered to pretend that i am.

i am not hostile however. i am polite and i will listen for a short while, but impatience gets the better of me when people are talking and i announce my intention to continue on my way.


but "niceness" and "friendliness" is not the way to get real friends in my world.

the way to have real friends is to experience things with them, and to cooperate in your assessment of those things.

one does not need to compliment anyone. the mere acceptance and incorporation of their ideas into your own deductive schematic is a more solid thing for them than any compliment.

one could be ostensibly diametrically opposed in personality to someone who may, under duress, find that they are your greatest friend.

like a very physically oriented person (muscle man) and a cerebrally oriented person (brainiac wimp) may be stranded together on a desert island. in their home lives, they never would have even associated with each other because each thinks lowly of the other. the muscleman thinks of the wimp as a "woos" and the wimp sees the muscleman as a "grunt" initially.

they realize that they must hold a temporary truce while they try to survive, and the journey begins. they both learn from each other and then come to rely on each others strengths and...blah blah..etc.

the best way to really know someone is to live things with them (under duress is best as i would never choose willingly to cohabit with anyone). whatever salutations that are dispensed with are irrelevant.

i only have about 4 friends, and they all are far beyond the simple introductory world of compliments and feigned interest.

It took me a long time to figure this out.

You have to learn to relax when you are around people and not immediately engaged in work. The thing is that, if you are Aspie, then your mind is constantly, exhaustingly on-task and overtaxed. It takes you more focus to cool your circuits.

When interacting with a coworker in slack time, tell yourself mentally that everything is okay, and think about the fact that the world of things you have to think about is "outside," and the "inside," where your mind can be tranquil, is the space between you and your coworker. Even picture in your mind an invisible boundary hanging in the air.

When you say "thank you," don't think of it as a transmission of verbal information. Picture yourself giving that person a one-armed hug, almost more of a back-pat, like that between heterosexual men who know each other professionally, but let your mouth say the words...on its own.

The trick is to NOT pay too close attention to the actual words you are saying. You instinctively, because you are Aspie, try to analyze your speech as it comes out. Try to let your mind be detached but in a studied and focused manner. Think of it as "meticulous disengagement," where you watch the speech itself mostly as an observer, guiding it by the most delicate touch possible. It is like a lady. It does not respond well to rough handling.

And the tone of your speech should shape itself around the picture of yourself giving the professional hug. Let the image work as a filter for your speech, so it wraps itself snugly around the contour of your intended sentiment.

Does that help?

I live in the mid west, USA.

Smile. And talk in a "chirpy" voice.

Trust me, this works wonders with me. I watch videos of really happy and nice people and copy them. One time, I copied the actress so well, that a restaurant gave me extra food. It took me about three hours to prepare myself and copy everything just right. Getting the eyes right is the hardest part.
I think if you move your face around a lot and kind of agree with what NTs say, then they think you're nice. I can't do it for a very long time and eventually slip back into my old, "weird" self.

Instead of picturing everything, like picturing hugging them when saying thank you, I try to look them as close to they eye as possible and say it while smiling.

I haven't lived anywhere else, but here, smiling is very important and it's pretty much the only means by which I communicate "niceness."

I wonder if people just think I'm creepy rather than nice....? xD

If you can try to "lighten up" - I know that at times especially when I was younger - people would think I was not nice because I came off as very intense. How does one stop looking intense if they are feeling intense? I'm not sure but try a little self-deprecating humor. It has usually worked for me. When I was able to show people that I knew I was a bit odd - but saw some humor in it - it helped a lot.

I remember years ago and at that time I had that intense and somewhat mildly anti-social reputation - Somebody sitting at the cafeteria table made a comment how the place we worked at was going to drive them crazy. I just shrugged my shoulders and said in a deadpan way, "I've worked here for more than a year and I'm normal." Immediately everybody at the table cracked up. It was a way of letting them know by humor that I knew that I was a bit odd and knew that other people thought that too - but, I was able to not take myself too seriously even if I tended to look too serious.

I think it's very difficult. I suppose I'd try to do the following:

1. Exchange "name, rank and serial number" first, if possible. Seems to put people at ease. Sometimes it's useful to talk about the weather next, or some other safe, non-profound matter, just to establish that the lines of communication are open.

2. Give reassurance that you're interested in them and like them. It seems quite irrational because you might not be particularly interested or like them, especially if they're new people, but I think sociable NTs find new people interesting just because they're people. Look at their faces when they're talking to you (but not for too long - I've heard that beyond 3 seconds or so they may interpret it as sexual or hostile), and also when you're talking to them (I've heard that it's normal to look at them when you begin talking, look away during the body of the sentence, and then look back at them as you end the sentence). Ask about their loved ones, their jobs, and whatever else they're most interested in, congratulate them on their successes and commiserate with them over their misfortunes. Seemingly trivial niceties such as "good to see you" seem to work wonders.

3. Try to maintain a bright, positive presentation, unless they're speaking of misfortunes, in which case empathise, but don't overdo it and drag them further into misery, remind them of the hope for something better or change the subject once you've "paid your respects" about the misfortune. It's OK to share your misfortunes with them too, but if you seem miserable or bored for long, you risk giving off unpleasant vibes. Speak clearly with normal intonation - monotone is rather hard to listen to. If you're not facing somebody, they might not be able to hear what you're saying.

4. Take part in their rituals and copy their behaviour, as far as you feel reasonably able to.

5. Try to keep conversation good and "reciprocal," i.e. take it in turns to say a little bit, avoid monologues. In a social setting you're not a solo act, it's a team effort, so play to the centre. Also reciprocate invitations to visit or hang out, greeting cards, etc.

6. Be assertive rather than aggressive or submissive. It seems odd to say don't be submissive after recommending all the above concessions, but they won't see those things as concessions. People tend to dislike submissive behaviour as much as aggression, so it's important not to come over as suspiciously generous or accommodating.

7. If it's a group of NTs, learn how to participate in group talking. I've no idea how that's done.

Well, I said it was difficult.