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F84.9
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07 Jul 2017, 6:55 am

This is probably a topic that was discussed before, but..
I notice that people everywhere are uncomfortable with silence. If they aren't talking they get nervous taking out a cigarette or whatever. I think that's not smart. In this sense a dog has superior intelligence. Unfortunately I feel like I too become anxious, but not because of any reasons but because my mind starts to predict that the other person will get anxious and in this anticipation (of them interrupting the silence with random small talk) I also get anxious. But not always. Sometimes I'm completely relaxed. I notice that when I am, relaxation also sends out waves to others in a sense.

Any thoughts?



starkid
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07 Jul 2017, 12:12 pm

I think judging people's intelligence just because they get nervous is ridiculous.



Joe90
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07 Jul 2017, 1:28 pm

Awkward silences make me anxious. I know how people feel when nobody's talking, unless there's silence for a reason.


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Aristophanes
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07 Jul 2017, 2:03 pm

I love awkward silence. Being an outsider I'm used to feeling uncanny, so it's in my comfort zone. It's nice to see other people have to adapt to awkward situations once in a while, it brings a sense of karmic justice.



seaweed
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07 Jul 2017, 2:13 pm

i won't usually notice anyone is uncomfortable with a silence until they say something like, "awkward silence" or, "don't all talk at once" harharhar. social silence is relaxing to me but i'm awkwardly unaware of other people feeling awkward about it.



CharityGoodyGrace
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07 Jul 2017, 6:49 pm

People say I talk too much, others say I don't talk enough. Some people in high school asked me why I never talked, or why I never made friends. There was a rumor that I was autistic, so they were trying to get me to admit it. I didn't. Not to them. NEVER. Or maybe they just wanted me to say I was stupid.



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07 Jul 2017, 7:06 pm

seaweed wrote:
until they say something like, "awkward silence" or, "don't all talk at once" harharhar.


another phrase I've heard is "that was a conversation killer"


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F84.9
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08 Jul 2017, 8:06 am

starkid wrote:
I think judging people's intelligence just because they get nervous is ridiculous.

I fully agree.
I just mean to say very strictly that the brain itself really isn't "smart". I mean that it isn't smart of your brain/body to unnecessarily make you feel bad (like restricted breathing, mind inclined to start racing, somatic symptoms of unease...) in totally unthreathening situations.

But like you said, we can't judge people's intelligence by this. If we did, I would qualify as one of least intelligent, as I get unnecessarily nervous all the time. I'm just strictly speaking that it's not smart of my brain to do this x--O.
I wish the old brain (limbic system or whatever) would be more attentive to commands from new brain (neocortex or whatever). This requires alot of work, and would work best in a supportive environment, where people hugged eachother more :P DONE.


EDIT:
But, additionally, I must add that (somewhat ironically) I was under influence of emotions while writing the First post in this topic, it was almost like a form of anger which was inside me, because I feel like this societal inertia 'infected' me, because as I was younger I didn't have anxiety, whereas now I do have it and it is horribly difficult to get rid of it. In a sense my anger (also mildly reflected in my somewhat careless wording [the lack of eloboration also determined by inconvenience of having to type it on the phone]) was a form of unwillingness to take responsibility for my chronic anxiety disorder, and in a way an attempt to blame 'society' for it (or worse yet, blaming all NTs).
So yes... I'm not a rational being, and do take my words with caution if they do not agree with you.
I hope in the future I can try to type more elaborately, although I must admit that since this is a forum I thought that it wouldn't matter too much if I vented a little bit (my semi-conscious thinking was "hmm, well, everyone's doing it, so i will too").
I am very happy to have started this topic, as it is a learning exprience in communication for me aswell.

But as a final remark to all, I must say that I never wished to judge any person, and I love you all :heart: no matter NT or Non-NT, or E.T. for that matter . You're wonderful as you are, so don't worry!

EDIT 2:
I feel that I sometimes unconsciously make a 'mess', because when I appologize for it, that gives me some "value".
It's a really bad habit (I'm not sure that it's real, but it's something that the author Eric Berne talked about in one his book "Games People Play") but I decided to write about this too.



skiddlebugz
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08 Jul 2017, 9:05 am

Usually if it's in a certain place like the mall, If I am with a friend and we were talking and all the sudden we stop talking for about 1 minute it gets me concerned. I start to think I said something wrong but this is with my close friends though.
If it's with someone I barely know or just met I wouldn't be THAT concerned about silence. Awkward silences are normal when your with someone new.


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renaeden
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09 Jul 2017, 10:44 pm

I don't mind if other people talk too much, even if it is a load of bull. It takes the pressure off me and I don't have to say anything. My brother in law's mum is excellent for this. All I have to do is nod and say ,"Mmmm" every now and then.



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09 Jul 2017, 11:04 pm

Joe90 wrote:
Awkward silences make me anxious.

This. It makes me wonder whether I am supposed to be talking, but I usually don't know what to say.


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zenoncopy
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10 Jul 2017, 12:09 am

I can't think of a single first-hand instance of awkward silence. I don't know if my memory fails me or if I really don't know what it's like.

I'm pretty good at disappearing. When disappearing is not an option, I talk a lot by default. Or sometimes I just look out the window. What's more awkward to me is the problem of "where to look when I'm walking in public".


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C2V
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10 Jul 2017, 12:51 am

They absolutely do. For no reason. I hate speech so absolutely needless speech grates at me - it's not even smalltalk. Like this morning, a relative comes out at me when all I wanted to do was get ready for work without being pestered, and says "well this is an early start for you."
Stating the bloody obvious just to make me vocally reply. Why? Why not just leave me alone? Why do people have to talk when there is absolutely no need?


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F84.9
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10 Jul 2017, 5:18 am

C2V,

This reminds me alot of my situation. I like that you used the word 'pestered', because it's meaning is "to be bothered persistently". I feel like it's difficult to create a distance between some people, and there becomes this amplification of the inner response.
Recently I've come across the term "Emotional Sensitization", which basically means that after repeatedly being approached by others in such an ambiguous manner, it leads to amplification of your emotional/inner response.
In other words, we might become more annoyed as these kinds of situations repeat.

Considering that person's statement outside any past context, we might see the words as being harmless. In truth, the words are harmless. In a sense, the person who said it is possibly merely making a (possibly biased) observation, and stating it explicitly ("noting out loud") for no obvious reason.

So there are only 2 options to consider:
1) there is a reason
1a) Win-win intention* ~ they benefit from saying this to you, and they see the exchange as being of mutual benefit
1b) Win-lose intention* ~ they 'benefit', by leaving them with an inflated sense of self at your expense
2) there is no reason ~ just explicitly stating the obvious (i.e. they're "noting out loud"), possibly due to automaticity/habit

* intention may not be conscious; also, "road to hell is paved by good intentions" (but not always :D)

It's just a possibility. Not a perfect model, but its something.
And I also believe 1a & 1b are not done consciously most of the time.

To be honest, it seems to me that I wrote this post because of 1a). It serves as a mental reminder to me, and helps me integrate some of my thoughts, encourages debate, possibly challenges my assumptions, and hopefully contains some truth/resonance for whoever reads it.

But maybe I am missing something? I'm happy to hear any thoughts.



C2V
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10 Jul 2017, 6:15 am

Quote:
This reminds me alot of my situation. I like that you used the word 'pestered', because it's meaning is "to be bothered persistently". I feel like it's difficult to create a distance between some people, and there becomes this amplification of the inner response.
Recently I've come across the term "Emotional Sensitization", which basically means that after repeatedly being approached by others in such an ambiguous manner, it leads to amplification of your emotional/inner response.
In other words, we might become more annoyed as these kinds of situations repeat.

Considering that person's statement outside any past context, we might see the words as being harmless. In truth, the words are harmless. In a sense, the person who said it is possibly merely making a (possibly biased) observation, and stating it explicitly ("noting out loud") for no obvious reason.

So there are only 2 options to consider:
1) there is a reason
1a) Win-win intention* ~ they benefit from saying this to you, and they see the exchange as being of mutual benefit
1b) Win-lose intention* ~ they 'benefit', by leaving them with an inflated sense of self at your expense
2) there is no reason ~ just explicitly stating the obvious (i.e. they're "noting out loud"), possibly due to automaticity/habit

* intention may not be conscious; also, "road to hell is paved by good intentions" (but not always :D)

It's just a possibility. Not a perfect model, but its something.
And I also believe 1a & 1b are not done consciously most of the time.

To be honest, it seems to me that I wrote this post because of 1a). It serves as a mental reminder to me, and helps me integrate some of my thoughts, encourages debate, possibly challenges my assumptions, and hopefully contains some truth/resonance for whoever reads it.

But maybe I am missing something? I'm happy to hear any thoughts.

Wow. That makes perfect sense to me. That never happens with anything anyone says to me. I distinctly like the way you think.
As for this person, he is extremely passive-aggressive (so much so that I don't always even pick up on it) so I am assuming given this model that his intentions verged on 1(b). Noting that I am up early, and going to work, as a way of insinuating this is strange behaviour for me, as I have an autism-related neurological sleeping disorder (which he has interpreted as me being lazy before) and notoriously have trouble holding down work. I assume this was also to somehow emotionally insulate himself, as he has just been fired.
Do normal people do this sort of thing all the time???
I can also completely understand the concept of "Emotional Sensitization". It's like wearing new boots. You're unlikely to notice much of an irritation the first wear, but by the second or third, if you're going to develop blistering you're going to develop it by then.


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EzraS
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10 Jul 2017, 7:53 am

F84.9 wrote:
I notice that people everywhere are uncomfortable with silence. If they aren't talking they get nervous taking out a cigarette or whatever. I think that's not smart. In this sense a dog has superior intelligence.

Any thoughts?


Dogs go around sniffing each other's butts.