Abusers getting more sympathy?

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Why do parents or caretakers of people with autism or bad mental health problems often get more sympathy from society than the effected individual with the disorder?

It hacks me off

I can understand a little if the child is acting violently. It is very difficult for the parents to deal with and they might have to be a little harsh in their punishments for the good of everyone.

What I don't understand and don't respect is this need to talk to children as if they are invalids. I have zero respect for any adult who takes their anger out on children without a good reason. Unfortunately, this makes up a very large percentage of parents (whether they have well-behaved children or not). It's a major problem.

Case in point: I witnessed this among an extended family member. A little girl pees her pants. The father acts like a little child screaming "WHY DID YOU DO THAT!" and everyone else at the table including myself just stays silent. It's very sad. And it's very pervasive.

I recognize that there are much more severe forms of child abuse. But I mean come on. It's a child.

Because more people can emphasize what it is to have to "deal" with one's mental illness than they can emphasize with the illness itself.

I blame Autism Speaks for a large part of the problem. They've taken away the voices of autistic people and handed them to caretakers, making them the focus, so it's easier for most people to sympathize with the caretakers.

Whoa. What is with the title vs the OP content? Am I automatically an abuser because I'm a parent or caretaker? Want to try rephrasing that?

But I would have to say that as a parent of an ASD child, I see very little of this sympathy you speak of out in the real world. I get a whole lot of judgement and get ostracized. The only thing I get in terms of "sympathy" is the many parenting classes I take to learn how to deal with my ASD child. It's funny because I'm on the spectrum myself and I still need help to figure things out because everything we learn about parenting is pretty much wrong when applied to ASD children (as opposed to NT children) and it can take a lot to relearn that. I would say as a parent of an asd child I experience more scorn and criticisim that anything else ESPECIALLY when I tell people that I'm not into "fixing" my kid and that I don't care if she stims or "acts autistic", and that my main focus is developing her into a good and moral person while giving her the tools she needs to navigate school and hopefully one day have a job and independence.

On the other hand, I don't find her really deserving of sympathy either. For what? Being different? HAving a harder life?

Anyway I would say that MOST of what you are seeing as "sympathy to abusers" is really either sympathy for parents of very low functioning children (autistic or otherwise). I have a nephew who is 14 and will never talk, will never communicate in any meaningful way, he will never respond to language, he will never be toilet trained, never dress himself, never feed himself, and will very likely never walk more than 10 feet without falling over. Guess what? His parents are wonderful people and I have sympathy for them. Oodles. The child though? For now he is really happy and his quality of life is excellent thanks to his parents. He, for now, doesn't need sympathy. He wants for nothing. His life is as good as it could possibly be. His parents though? Their life is hard. They live a hard life to make his life happy, pleasant, and comfortable. Sympathy. I have it for them. They are not abusers. Not by any stretch of the imagination.

OP is pretty insulting. Not every parent or caretaker is an abuser.

I can say the same thing about sick parents, why do mentally ill parents get sympathy when they do child abuse because they have depression or PPD?

I have seen mentally ill parents get judged harshly too for their abuse, same as as I have seen caregivers get judgments for their abuse on a special needs person.

That's barely even abuse, I have also been screamed at why did I do that. I don't think yelling at your kid is even close to abuse. Lot of parents yell at their kids.

I don't think a parent should get mad at their kid for peeing themselves but that also depends on the situation like if the kid refused to use the bathroom when she was told to go or she did it on purpose because she was too lazy to use the toilet and that is pretty common in small children so they get punished for it and they are punished for not using the bathroom when they should and they are capable of going. if they are being toilet trained and are still learning, then that is different and shouldn't be screamed at about and being given a consequence.

Actually, I don't think it's okay to ever scream at a child. Culture has made us believe that is okay. Just because everyone's doing it doesn't mean it's okay.

In any case, the original post is rather misleading since i think most parents are just doing the best they can. There are exceptions of course.

I have a memory of getting yelled at once for peeing my pants. Iwas probably 4 years old.

Did I do it to get attention? Hell, no.

My parents were angry because they didn't want to get me redressed, plain and simple.

Anyway, they probably apologized and whatnot, and it was a one-time event. I don't really agree with this notion that kids do it to get attention, since well, usually they aren't.

I think that for sure yelling does not automatically equal abuse. But we must note that yelling with a certain tone, saying a specific set of phrases and yelling at specific times can amount to a kind of abuse that children on the receiving end have said is at times worse, way worse, than physical abuse. We know full well by now how blatantly false that sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt bunk is.

As far as the OP goes, the title is indeed poorly worded but he does have a point about how a disturbing amount of those in the autism community have bought into the idea that parents of autistic children must always be viewed as martyrs and that the grotesque subset of them who do severely abuse there kids do get looked at as victims too often. It seems like the martyr complex among that subset of parents of autistic kids and their sympathizers has been discussed ad nauseam here, at least as far a I can tell.

It is critical of course to discuss the need fro as much education and assistance as possible for families of autistic kids but clearly it has to be done on condition that martyr complexes be dropped completely.

Thank you emax for saying that.

There is research that shows that emotional abuse can be just as harmful as physical abuse (let's say a dad hits their daughter and then says don't say a word....that emotional abuse is actually more hurtful than the slap in my opinion). At least with a slap you can report it and get on with your f*****g life.

I hope that I don't sound like I'm playing the victim, because sometimes I do feel like the victim and sometimes I do play the victim.

But, I mean, facts are facts. I've seen too many examples of parents playing the hero while taking their anger out on their children, both in real life, and online.

I don't respect any parents who take their anger out on children. Period.

Do you mean parents and caretakers in general or abusers? Most parents and caretakers are not abusive. Parents and caretakers seem to get more sympathy because most people can identify with them more than they can the person with the illness. Also, in cases of bloggers they are the ones with the blog about their lives, so when people respond to them they are typing to the parent or caretaker and not the child or person with the illness who may or may not get on the internet at all.

Some autistic people believe that parents of autistic kids shouldn't get sympathy for the hard work they have to do raising their kids, but I disagree with that. Anybody who has a child they are raising who needs that much time from the parents is doing much harder work than the rest of us and deserves a bit of sympathy and kudos. That doesn't take away from feelings of sympathy for the child because of his disability and problems he's having from it, but it's entirely possible to feel for both the parent and child.

As for abusive people, I have no sympathy for them at all whether or not the is disabled or not. You shouldn't abuse your child, ever. I can understand being at the point where you are so tired that you just can't care anymore or you are so tired your judgment is impaired and you could be abusive but that's no excuse. There are always options other than abusing the child. Just because I understand being to that point doesn't mean I'm sympathetic to them for not taking other action. When I had three in diapers and one in grammar school and I was constantly busy with the kids and never had a minute to myself I was pushed to the point where if I hadn't had some help from someone else I could see how I could have taken it out on my kids. Luckily I had my husband and my mother who I could get help from and they could spell me and watch the kids for me for a little bit. I can understand how parents who have no one else at all to turn to could lost their ability to think straight but I have no sympathy for them when they abuse their kids.

However, please don't lump all parents and caregivers into the category of abusers, because most are not abusive at all.

My mother must have done something wrong then when she would yell at my brothers and me because I seem fine and I don't seem to be damaged or anything. I hated being yelled at yes but I also hated being in trouble or hated being in time out or having dessert taken away or losing computer or TV privileges or having my dolls get taken or not being allowed to leave the yard so I don't see any difference. So hearing how damaging yelling is to a child makes me go "huh." I wonder why my husband isn't damaged or anyone else I know. My brothers aren't damaged either.

I have only known a few moms in my childhood who yelled far more often than my mother did and you know what, yelling doesn't work because the kid just tunes it out because they are so used to it so yelling is normal to them and their normal mom's voice. It may have worked with me because my mom didn't do it all the time and she only did it when she got mad or when she was tired or irritable or when we did something dangerous or when we got into trouble but those other moms seemed to yell at their kids about everything while my mom would use her normal tone to tell us to stop or don't do that or just talk to us than scream it. But there was only literally one mother who never screamed at her kid and what I mean by literally is I never ever saw her raise her voice once at her kids but all the other moms have a few times.

I assume we are talking about raising our voice when we mention yelling since yelling doesn't always mean raise your voice.

Yelling at a child is not emotional abuse, spanking a child is not physical abuse, taking away privileges is not abuse of any kind. All of these things can be done to an extent and in a way that they can be abuse. That does not mean that these things in and of themselves are abusive in any way. Parents usually find the best ways of discipline that works with their child. Sometimes they use one of the methods, somethings two of them and sometimes all three of them. Sometimes they simply lecture the kids. I've seen kids who have been hollered at a normal amount by normal parents, kids who have been spanked a normal amount by normal parents and kids who have been grounded and had things taken away a normal amount by normal parents and I haven't seen any of them be damaged by that. I've seen kids lectured, and only lectured as discipline a normal amount by normal parents and I've seen some serious damage in the instance of my husbands family from it. It kept those kids under their thumb and afraid of them to this day.

Every parent takes anger out on a child at one time or another. We notice when we do it, apologize for it and try not to do it again. Thats just something that happens to every human being, taking anger out on the wrong person. A parent has to try and make sure the don't do that because kids can drive you nuts.

Of course you don't yell at a kid for peeing in their pants or pooping in them. They can't help it. Unless there is some rare instance of the child refusing to use the bathroom because they simply refuse to, yelling at a child for bathroom mistakes doesn't help anyone at all. Yelling a kid who is refusing to for whatever reason won't help either because the kid has deeper problems than simply not minding the parents like he might not mind them when they say no tv after 9pm or something.

Every parent is human, and every parent makes at least one mistake raising their children. Usually it's not a big deal and nobody worries about it afterward. You can't hold a parent to impossible standards simply because their child is autistic or because someone else feels that their child should have a parent who is perfect. I see people on this forum many times label an entire action as abuse because their parents did something completely normal that they didn't like so they decide it's abusive to all kids. I've actually seen someone insist that their parents were abusive for taking away their computer. These aren't 13 year olds reacting like 13 year olds normally do, these are adults who still talk about and obsess over the time their mom took away the laptop years ago. Just because the child doesn't like it does not make it abuse. Any punishment that you give a child should be something he doesn't like. Otherwise it's a reward. Parents can be less than perfect, and less than the pushovers who constantly hand the child everything he wants and give in to every wish and who sometimes put their needs before their childs needs without being abusive. Abuse isn't just something unpleasant, it's much more than that, but I've seen so many people here lump things that are simply unpleasant in with horrific abuse, which some here have undoubtably suffered, and that mindset is something that those people who can't see the difference between regular parenting and absuive parenting really need to address.

League_Girl, shouting can be harmful to people if done in excess. It's also not the best way to teach kids about managing their feelings and can make it difficult to escalate the problem (so, you've yelled/threatened to do/done x... it had no effect... now what?)

That said, I would imagine that almost all parents have yelled at some point. So, a small amount of yelling isn't likely to cause significant harm but if there's also more efficient ways to doing it and it can be difficult to find the line then it's best to stick to other parenting methods.